Daily Grace

:::

1. Mail from my amazing friend nicole which contained two amazing tops for me and two pairs of jeans for G. Someone shall get a killer care package in the new year!
2. T minus 1 day til this semester is over...I had my chair presentation at 5 and so just 1 left (shall post pics of the chair at some point soon)
3. Am finished my Christmas shopping
4. It's snowing...the nice kind of snow
5. I am ahead enough with my school work that I know I can sleep tonight. awesome.

Daily Grace

:::

1. An email from my lawyer early this morning telling me that my divorce is one step closer to being finalized.

2. Our new duvet cover

3. A phone call from the Garage (where we had to get the truck towed to yesterday after it died) saying that it might just be a pump and a belt issue...not a whole engine rebuild like the tow truck driver lead us to believe

4. Finishing my art history class tonight

5. $3.99 breakfast I am about to have.....

Today is one of those days...

:::

...where I paid to get on the streetcar using nickels and dimes as I have already robbed the piggy bank of loonies and twonies....

...where I question how to spell twoonie? toonie? Twonie?...

...where I make popcorn for lunch cause we haven't grocery shopped in so long it was literally the only thing to eat...

...where my teacher makes a pile of changes regarding our final presentation which negates a pile of work I already completed....

However it is also one of those days where I realize that Christmas actually is just around the corner, where I get to go to a bar tonight with G and some friends to listen to live music. And where I finally get around to registering for some of the perks I am to get with my small business.

Daily Grace

:::

1. G is done in Sudbury so now I get my boyfriend back full time!

2. Did some Christmas shopping this weekend....almost done

3. Red scarves

4. New Sunglasses

5. The end of Movember approaches so G's mustache is about to go the way of the mustache (out!)

Daily Grace

:::

1. Its raining but at least it isn't freezing cold

2. Not So Wise's sister seems to be recovering well from her surgery!!!

3. Mum comes tonight for a visit

4. Greys anatomy

5. I am working this weekend...huzzah for some much needed cash

The beginning...

:::

Two years ago you texted me out of the blue. You asked me to meet you for a coffee sometime, and could we talk about life? You requested girl advice. Happily I obliged, as a friend of my brothers I had known you for years, it would be fun to catch up. You met me at the door of the coffee pub, I remember you had on your grey wooly sweater and your striped club Monaco scarf…we hugged, and I thought that you were wearing phenomenal cologne. We grabbed coffee and sat at a table in the back. I listened to you recount stories about a girl you had been seeing, and why it hadn’t worked out. The longer we chatted and caught up, the more I started thinking…”maybe it’s a good thing this didn’t work out with you and the other girl” We moved on in topic and just talked about what we had been doing for the past few years, never have I drank a coffee so slowly. We said goodbye and made plans to maybe have alcoholic drinks together sometime soon. You didn’t wait the obnoxious 3 days to text, the next day you invited me to meet up with you the following weekend. Saturday afternoon we made martinis and watched a movie, I don’t have any memory of what we watched, I spent several hours willing you to kiss me..I was in disbelief of how attracted to you I was, of how much I enjoyed chatting to you. Each time we returned from making a drink we got closer and closer together on the couch, fingers almost touching. *You tell me now that you had wanted to kiss me that whole afternoon too, it took you hours to work up the guts…and finally you did. You took me for dinner, and we both couldn’t stop grinning..I remember blushing and looking away. The whole winter we spent the weekends together when you came up from Toronto. We would go out for drinks, we would stay in and watch countless movies, and eat Spinach Dr. Oetkers pizza. We became best friends It evolved slowly into something so special, 6 months later under a starry sky you told me you loved me for the first time. We moved in together a year ago in June. Sometimes it makes me crazy that you never do the dishes, but I love that you let me wield the remote control from time to time, and that you will spoon with me on our tiny couch. That when I have had a hard day, I can come home and vent to you, and you can always make me smile. I love waking up each morning to you. In 2 years we have supported each other through 3 deaths, my mum's cancer diagnosis, the complicated dissolution of your mom’s 7 year relationship, being broke, me going back to school and you starting your first “real” job. Just knowing you are there really makes getting through the darkness possible.

We may not have it all together just yet, but together we have it all. Happy Anniversary G, you have my heart.

Love, J

Daily Grace

:::

1. The unseasonably warm Toronto weather this past week and weekend.

2. My mum heads back to Ontario today after 10 days out west

3. A presentation I have been dreading will be over this afternoon

4. Finally getting a new desk and bookshelf moved into our bedroom so I can try to organize my school stuff.

5. Last night noticing that my drawing and watercolouring skills are improving (random yes, but important for school)

Dreary

:::

The weather has been so dreary all week. I wake every morning to rain....or just dampness outside. It's the type of morning that I just want to roll over, spoon G and go back to sleep until spring. Why can't humans hibernate for the winter? Well there is that and the fact that G is away a lot at the moment. His job has a contract in Sudbury at the moment so during the week there is no chance for stolen moments of spoonage in the morning.

I took the day off school yesterday as I was feeling really nauseous and had a sore throat. I fear the H1N1. Talked to my doctor and was told to just drink lots of fluids and rest. Thankfully I feel better today (Started feeling better yesterday late afternoon) What I hate about that is that I just feel so restless. I have what could be defined as a pile of homework to do and yet I just can't really get going. It's 11:00 and I am still in grubby clothes. I did 2 loads of towels this morning and that's it. Not crucial to do today, but it's like I can't seem to manage to get done what I need to, but I will just procrastinate by doing unnecessary tasks.

AND its raining again...I wanted to walk to the supermarket. boo

Daily Grace

:::

1. New photos on Flickr

2. Finished my chair model that isn't due til Wednesday

3. 3 more sleeps til G is home

4. 4 more sleeps til Halloween

5. 2 babysitting jobs this week :)

I Have the Power

:::

For years my Mum has extolled the virtues of positive self talk. I have tried it on and off but tended to feel a bit hokey saying "come on you can do it" out loud. I didn't want to be one of those people who must talk to themselves to get through the day...However, I have made more of an effort lately and find that even if I feel like a bit of a tool at first, it puts me in a better mood than listening to the more quiet voice in my head that continually whispers I am not good enough. So I'm running with the hokey thing and it is surprising to see the changes in myself. My amazing friend Nicole who I adore recently blogged about this article http://au.pfinance.yahoo.com/b/for-love-or-money/11/the-starving-artist and I smiled. I think it deserves a look...what is the harm? If I am one of those people who talks to myself from now on, so be it. But at least I am feeling good while I'm doing it!

:::

"I am a highly paid professional designer. I am in high demand due to my originality. Whenever I work, I receive new creative ideas on how to become even more handsomly paid"

That unsafe feeling in my tummy...

:::

Was away all weekend with my Mum at awesome Scrapbook camp (pics at some point soonish to follow) I got back to the apartment on Sunday to spend a lovely day in the apartment with G. Upon our arrival, my neighbour informed us that 3 apartments in our building (and one on our floor) were robbed last week. I immediately felt sick. This is the first place I have lived, beyond being in my parents house where I have felt safe. Yes I have blogged about being a bit nervous here at night, but I all around felt pretty good about being here. We live in a pretty snazzy part of Toronto and a large part of the appeal of living here is that we are in a good safe area. I HATED to hear that. With G away a lot during the week I really am now a bit panicked about being here alone. True its not like a string of assaults in the building, but it makes me a bit nervous to think about coming home late from class and finding that someone has been amongst my things. Before I left for class this morning I hid my jewelry. And I am thinking of taking my nice stuff up to my Mums place for a while. I find it quite unsettling to not feel I can have my apartment the way I want it for fear of someone taking it. So not impressed right now.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Sun is shining in Toronto

2. Scrapbooking retreat (my several months later bday present from my Mum) is this weekend

3. Am up doing homework...sort of a grace as will save me stress later

4. Cafe Crema Coffee

5. G being away again this week which causes him to call and leave me lovey dovey voicemails.

Good day(s)

:::

Yesterday I had my first 'history of modern furniture' lecture. It was a really good class from a very interesting teacher. Part way through class I started feeling really anxious...In case you haven't noticed I am a chronic self doubter. I tend to question my abilities on pretty much a daily basis. And so as I was listening to my teacher I started to panic with all the work that we have to do (for example in this class, we have to build a to scale fully functional chair out of cardboard. eep) My teacher then went on a tangent that I felt was directed at me (obviously it wasn't but it just felt so fated at that moment) He said that he once had a professor tell him that when things come easy to you you aren't actually learning. That fear you feel in your stomach when you are doing something you are unsure about, something that scares you...that is in fact when you start to learn. I found that SO unbelievably encouraging as I question myself and panic all the time with this program. I do notice some of my fellow students seem to get As with no effort and that they can tackle anything that is thrown at them without a sense of worry. So, now I am choosing to say thanks. Thanks for the fear cause maybe that just does in fact mean that I am learning...heaven knows I have a ton to learn!

This weekend is Thanksgiving. I really need to think about all the amazing things I have in my life to be thankful for. And there is a lot. I am excited to get the long weekend started extra early tonight! I am babysitting for a few hours and my Mum is coming down to pick me up late night. So, I am starting the weekend off being thankful for my Mum. For her loving to spend time with me so much that she is driving down to Toronto to pick me up at 10pm, for getting to wake up in her house tomorrow, a place I feel that is my home, to have coffee made perfectly as only she can and to get to spend the day getting ready for our special family dinner. Thank you thank you thank you

1992

:::

Yesterday my Aunt Pat emailed me this picture. She came across it while cleaning things up she said. It's my Dad and I at Thanksgiving 1992. (I was 12) Why am in pajamas you ask? Each family Thanksgiving all the ladies would wear matching pajamas. (this started before I was born, so I am not too sure why/how this became a tradition) The picture made me smile...and then get all tight chested. I have such a hard time with all the conflicting emotions. It's been 14 weeks now since he died. And while it is definitely becoming less of a raw wound, I still fight feelings of regret. what ifs. loss of what might have been. I am working hard to be in a space where I can look at these pictures and focus on being thankful for the time we had and come to terms with what was.

The Lazies

:::

I'm not too sure what I have been afflicted with as of late, but I refer to it as 'the lazies' I guess it comes from my ridiculous class schedule at the moment..mondays class from 5-8 Tuesday from 10-7 Wednesday from 12-8 and Thursday from 10-3. I know it's not like I am working five 8 hour days, but it feels weird for me to just have the whole morning to myself (*mostly just talking about today at the moment). And instead of being an awesome motivated person and getting done the things I need to, I instead sleep in silly late and then get up to blog...not to do the dishes I didn't do last night, not to start some homework. Nope. I just started scanning photos and things like that. Very important work. It's frustrating cause I just can't seem to get it together. I had lofty aspirations of laundry and so on this week, but for some reason I just feel really slow moving. It's pathetic.

And am also feeling somewhat resentful, NOT a happy morning time feeling. With G working out of town all week, all the errands and jobs around the apartment seem to fall to me. And I love the man like crazy, but its things that need to be done THIS EXACT MINUTE AHHHHHH when he calls and I think....dear sweet man, why wouldnt you have mentioned this on the weekend....so we could have either done it together or I could have allotted time in my day to do that. I have to go downtown and fight his speeding ticket, I have to go register for a permit for a deck he is building. All these things are fine to help with cause I love him, but it's all stuff that has been left to the crazy last minute so I have to rush. And now I sure seem like a total brat as I am talking about being lazy in one breath and then complaining about G in the other. Sigh. ***Other issue might be that I sleep like crap when he is away due to another issue I refer to as 'the crazies' and am just tired and a grouch...that sounds more like it!

Feeing Five Years Old

:::

G is up working in Sudbury during the week and usually I take it as a chance to revel in the things I don't do as often when he is here, read, journal, watch girlie TV....but last night was different. I tried to go to bed, but found myself scared of the dark...I had to get up and put the light on, and read til I passed out from utter exhaustion. In the morning, I laugh at myself, realizing that the tapping on the balcony windows was in fact rain, as I had tried to convince myself at 3am, that no one was hiding in my closet (which didn't stop me from checking twice) It's somewhat ridiculous that I am 29 years old and I can still have the late night paralysis boogie man fear that I had as a young girl. It gets me no where other than just looking like a zombie the next morning...and I have a long day of class today. It's so foolish, but I can't fight it! I think I need to stop watching CSI etc, until I have my roomie back again!

Daily Grace

:::

1. Photos of doors I love

2. Starting the new term with a passionate art history teacher

3. Thanksgiving coming up....and the many many reasons I have to be thankful this year

4. Fresh Green Tea in the mornings

5. Running errands that have been piling up...(ie. Finally taking my record player in to get fixed!)

aaaand I'm back

:::

Sitting on hold with the Toronto Traffic Ticket central place. Oh no not for me...I am perfection in my driving and don't speed (or more so have yet to get caught) G got a ticket a few weeks ago, meant to fight it so our insurance doesn't go up...left it under a pile of crap on his dresser to discover yesterday.

"I thought you said you were going to take care of it for me" G

"Um...I would have but you neglected to give me the ticket nor mention it again so I forgot" Me

"Shit" G

"yup Shit" Me

It's been over a month, and the ticket says you have 15 days to fight it. And I so do not want our insurance to go up. We are barely functioning on a budget as it is...sigh

.....

And Hakim just answered and told me its not too late. amazing.

Surprise Comfort

:::

Am home alone this weekend--G went north to visit his Mom and is today heading to North Bay as he has to be in Sudbury for work Monday morning. (boo) It worked out well as I have been doing nothing but school work all weekend anyway. Last night I was up til 2 getting my presentation boards ready, and this morning I got up at 9 to get back to work. I may or may not have been a little bit distracted by Flickr, but that's beside the point. Am heading downtown shortly to go to Sambuca for brunch with my friend Cynthia and her almost 1 year old son Phoenix. Havent seen them in a while so I am looking forward to catching up. Have been sitting on the couch this morning surfing for images for my presentation, I got cold so I got up and put one of G's sweaters on over my jammies. It's strange the comfort I get solely from the smell of him. It's nice that he isn't here this weekend as I would be ignoring him due to school, but it felt nice this morning to catch a whiff of him as my mind is focused on something else.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Flickr

2. Glee (potential to be my new favourite show)

3. Wasabi Peas

4. Up coming road trip with the mother

5. Brunch today with Cynthia and Phoenix

T-minus 6 days...

:::

Until I have my final project presentations for term 4. I have been in school for almost a year now, but due to the condensed program I am almost a third of the way done my second year now! Time flies much?! This has been a long week of sitting in AutoCAD labs trying to get my plans, elevations and sections into presentation quality. It does feel so good to see all my work from the past few months coming together, but at the same time I am really ready for this to be over and to have my week off. My mum and I decided to have an adventure and we are roadtripping to Quebec City and Montreal. I am super looking forward to both the break and the change of scenery.

In other news, looking back through old emails, I have realized that I have emailed my divorce attorney 3 times since early July and I haven't heard back. I assumed I would be divorced by now. It's not something I think too much about, but I do worry that my ex might try something last minute (as he enjoys drama) I would just really like this to be over, all ties to be severed and me to be able to officially move on. Am not in a rush to remarry, but I just want that chapter of my life legally finished with. There is a nice bottle of champagne waiting for me to buy it at the LCBO so I can celebrate the end of all of that. It's funny cause I don't really dwell on it a lot, however I think that once I can move on I will realize how much it has been bothering me. It's nice cause I really don't feel like I was ever married...and as time has gone on I have forgotten many of the intimate details of that relationship. It makes me happy to know that when and if I get married again I can start with a clean slate and work on maintaining a strong and healthy relationship with my partner. Never again will I go back to that debilitating sort of dependance that defined my life previously

He Never Put Baby in a Corner

:::

I just saw on the news this morning that Patrick Swayze died. I know it is a bit ridiculous to get somewhat affected by the passing of a complete stranger. However, he was my first celebrity crush and I feel quite down. I remember renting Dirty Dancing at sleepover parties when we were preteens and (*don't judge me but...) we would keep rewinding to the part where his bare bum is seen when he gets out of bed (I know you know the part I mean). NO idea why, but we all loved that part and would dissolve into giggles each and every time we saw it. Last year I watched a Barbara Walters (or someone similar) do an in-depth interview with him and his wife...it's just sad. Am not saying that it is somehow more sad as he is a celebrity, cancer is a total S.O.B for everyone it touches, but am just sad.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Seeing NSW tonight to head to Guelph and start the wedding extravaganza
2. Got my homework all handed in that was due today
3. It's going to be sunny on Saturday
4. It's beautiful today
5. LONG LONG WEEKEND

Little Bits

:::

How is today September 1st? It has felt like fall in Ontario for most of the summer, what a rip off. And now fall is almost here (can't really complain as I delight in the ways of autumn) but I can't believe it's September already. And I can't even have the back to school rush cause I have been in school all summer anyway.

In WAY more exciting news, not-so-wise gets married on Saturday. SATURDAY...it's sooo soon, but I am not remotely worried as she is the most organized wedding planner I have ever met. I can't wait for her special day, it's going to be such a blast. Her fiance has been struggling with a lot of health issues this past year and I am really looking forward to her having at least one special magical day that is all about her!

The other night we were having dinner with another couple who are about to get married. S just picked up his wedding ring and was showing it off. G tried it on and I must say my heart got all a flutter seeing him with a ring on his ring finger. It was a strange feeling, but I'll take butterflies whenever I get 'em :)

Glamour Shots at Scotland Yard

:::

This is our 'slutry, sexy, we've been drinking tequila all night' super model couple pose. ooooh my. Photoshoots at the bar = too much fun

daily grace

:::

1. Green Tea from Starbucks
2. Picnic in the park tonight with Meags and B
3. G making some extra dough running errands with the truck
4. Running into an old friend on the subway who might have a connection to get me a design internship
5. Lulu Lemon short pants. I could live in these

I think this is my new favourite word:

:::

Reverie: From the French, meaning thes state of dreaming sweetly and comfortably, a state of enjoyment and pure happiness. To be in a Reverie is to be in one of the single most blissful states in the world.

Sigh.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Not So Wise's wedding is fast approaching...can't wait
2. My friend Morgan got engaged on Friday
3. Babysitting tonight = extra cashola
4. Free tickets to a play for Sunday fell into my lap
5. Finally feeling better

Rounding a corner?

:::

I had a meeting at school yesterday regarding whether or not my ID diploma program will be turned into a BA program (signs are pointing to yes...yay) As I was sitting in the room, surrounded by fellow students I suddenly had a surge or positivity. An "A-Ha" moment I believe Oprah calls them. I know that I am where I am supposed to be, working towards this goal that I want, and surrounded by the right people. I CAN DO THIS. Things are on the right track for me, and even though I tend to get bogged down often with the "holy crap is this right for me"ness, I need to rise above and realize that yes, I am in the right spot. It was the first time in months that I actually felt that way, and it was very refreshing.
Then this morning we had a presentation in front of our studio teacher, and I pitched my ideas for the tea shop I am designing. She loved my store front and had only positive minor improvements to add. I am starting to feel more confident with my ideas and I need to stop playing things so safe, cause I am only getting better at what I do, and isn't that what school is for anyway? It's great, I feel like I might be getting over the hump that has had me down for the past while.

Three as one

:::

I dream of my father every night.  He comes into my subconsciousness as a not so holy trinity of the men missing in my life: stepfather, grandfather, father.  I have lost too many people in a short period of time, and all of them my older male figures.  Some closer to me than others, but strangely the loss is felt just as deeply with each. Every morning as of late I wake up with a renewed sense of loss. It is always my father in my dreams, but at times it is as if I am spending time with my stepdad, or my grandfather.  I don't feel as if I can even articulate the way I feel about this....it's just far too much.  I want to dream of hot men, and rainbows and whatever random carefree crap I used to dream about.  I just don't want to have incredible dreams about spending time with people and getting closure in situations, and waking up feeling as if a bandaid has been ripped from a wound.  (gross analogy) 

Daily Grace

:::

1. My first design consultation is today!!!!

2. Heading home this weekend and going for brunch on Sunday. delish

3. It's a sunny day in Toronto

4. I did well with my preliminary retail space planning assignment yesterday

5. Having a trial version of AutoCAD on my desktop...just need to get it on my laptop and life is good!

To Bang or not to Bang

:::

When I was 14 years old I finished a two year long growing out my bangs fest. At that point I swore I would never ever cut my bangs again. That was in 1994...and to this point I have remained true to my word. Last night my friend Harrison was playing around on the InStyle website where you can give your own photos celebrity hair styles (and makeovers) So here I am...with the Vanessa Hudgens...And I kinda like it.  Maybe even just the colour more so than the bangs. Thoughts? I really like how it looks, but I don't want to HATE my bangs after a week...cause it literally will take me years to grow out.  I love the way they look on other people, but not sure if it's for me. I can't decide!!!

Magical Mummyness

:::

I've felt so dumpy lately. Trying hard to stay positive and not dwell on the negative, but I guess really it is ok to have a pity party, as long as I can move on from it.  I talked to my Mum on the phone for about 40mins this morning and she some how has the ability to turn around my outlook and make me feel better.  She is able to be encouraging without being condescending and really seems to understand just how I feel.  She has her three month appointment tomorrow and I hate so much that I can't be there with her (I have a test worth 30% of my final mark) I just want to do whatever I can to support her in the ways she supports me.  We decided today that we are taking a trip out East (or ANYWHERE) on my week off in September.  She is always the one who is taking care of everyone else, putting her needs aside.  I want to do this with her, something fun, we have never really done a road trip before, and I think this will be great for us. She so needs an adventure and I want to be the co-pilot, the partner in crime!

Daily Grace

:::

1. The amazing Kobe beef burger from Il Fornello in Queens Quay

2. Getting some of my homework done today

3. The promise of a weekend spread out before me

4. The one bloom still clinging to life on my orchid

5. My spotlessly clean bathroom courtesy of G

Boozy at Bedtime etc.

:::

I had a few drinks with G after work/school...G and his visiting friend Ski...or Josh as some may call him.  I wasn't paying attention, and now, look out, here it comes...I am in my jammies, blogging in bed while they guys have gone out, boys night style.  I have to say I am thankful I didn't need to attend, to put snazzy clothes on and fight against the trendy, Thursday night Toronto crowd,  however, now I have a bit of a beer buzz happening, and alone I lay, in my apartment, nay...my love nest! So I turn to what I love second best...my Mac. And those on the internet I feel strangely close to.....

Many an ellipses passes through my fingers...(and here I go again) but do any of them deserve to be here?

    I thought I would write a bit about last weekend, the long random civic holiday here in Canada.  G and I had a progressive Northern tour.  Friday night we spent with Erin and Steve in Barrie. Saturday afternoon we made it up to Gravenhurst to visit my family and Sunday afternoon we headed further north to see his grandma and uncle.  Friday was great, catching up with friends who are known so well that they just feel like an extension of oneself.  Saturday was great to see my uncles, aunts and cousins.  Reflecting on the last few times I have seen them, my grandpa's funeral, my dad's funeral and my aunt's mom's funeral, a simple random family get together felt so nice and so safe.  It was just strange to be around people and in a setting i SO relate to my Dad.  The cottage is so him. So Dad.  My cousin Jeff took G and I for a boat ride past our old cottage, and it took all I had in me not to cry.  I am not sure why it is I feel I need to try to be so strong sometimes, but it's almost that I don't want to let others down. Make them have to deal with me, the hot mess. So I try to bite my lip and soldier on.  I don't think even G realized how tough this all was for me.  Soon we will be bringing his ashes up here, to be in the river with my grandma and grandpa...and even thinking about it almost brought me to my knees.  It hasn't even been two months yet but I feel like everyone expects me to be so cool about this.  It almost hurts that no one asks me about him, about how I am doing. And yet at the same time I don't want it to be a topic of conversation. Never have I felt so conflicted with my emotions.  What I needed to take from the weekend was some form of feeling close to my Dad, being up in Muskoka, the place he loved the most, the place with the best memories I have of him, of us as a family. I still sometimes feel so raw thinking about the losses in my life as of late, yet I am trying so hard to focus on the good, and move forward with everything.

     It was so nice to be in North Bay, to have a good visit with G's grandma, to sit in the gazebo with her and drink Tim Horton's coffee with timbits, to hear her stories, to laugh and feel light hearted for the first time in ages.  My Nanny is so in love with G, so it feels good knowing that his grandma knows me as well.  We ended up spending 6 hours in the truck together on the way home. A 3 hour ride + the insane weekend traffic.  It was good to be together, we sang along with our Ipods, caught up on the past few weeks as we have been all over the place and got to see a lot of the mid Ontario landscape that perhaps we take so for granted. It's felt good to have a short week, to try to tackle some of the insanity at school, and to feel the momentum of moving forward...crossing things off my list and slowly but surely getting to be where I want to be.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Field trip to the ROM this morning instead of class

2. Babysitting for some moolah tonight

3. a GREAT weekend spent with both sides of the family

4.  Where do you go my lovely? By Peter Sarstedt

5. Finally the arrival of summer

Quality Time and other tid bits

:::

Q.T is what I need to spend with my scanner! G and I have taken a ton of Holga pics and sweet new fisheye lomo photos this summer, and yet none of them are on the computer yet..sigh! Must get on it.

Watching Til Debt Do us Part and feeling crazy motivated to save save save!

Got up early and did laundry, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, ran errands,  I was filled with delight as I crossed things off my list. 

 Tonight it's up to Barrie for dinner and a sleepover with Erin and Steve. Tomorrow we head up to my uncles cottage for a family visit, then Sunday it's continue north to North Bay to visit G's grandma and uncle. Long weekend of multi family togetherness.  Am looking forward to getting out of the city for a few days and taking pics.

NOW....to stop reading and blogging and to finish putting away laundry and moving on to homework....am I only cleaning to procrastinate from homework? me thinks yes. sigh.

zzz

:::

This morning started off early...as in way too early. G and I were up at 5 so he could catch his 6:30am flight to Thunder Bay.  I dropped him off at the airport at 5:45 and watched him hustle to get in line. Where he was stuck for 20mins before he could get to the counter.  (keep in mind I am driving back to our apartment during this time)  I crawled back into bed, just shut my eyes, when my phone vibrated...He missed his flight. They wouldn't let him on even though he was in the airport in time. They told him that next time he should come 2 hours early just to be safe.  (isn't that supposed to be for international flights? Ones with Customs and so on involved..hell he is just flying up to Northern Ontario. They wouldn't rebook him on another flight for this morning without him paying the upgrade charge of $200 (as the later flights cost more) SO...this means I had to get out of my cozy, snuggly bed and race out to Pearson to grab him. Turns out he could get on a Porter flight, leaving from the Toronto Island Airport for less money than rebooking through Air Canada.  Needless to say he is not so happy with Air Canada at the moment.  And now I am finally back home, just made a cup of coffee, and thought I would blog and do some homework before school. I'm going to be a basketcase before my school ends at 8pm tonight.  I have a 3 hour class where I sit in a dark classroom and look at Art slides, then an hour break, then 5 hours of AutoCad with a teacher who talks like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman. Sigh.  

Figured I would incorporate my daily grace into this post so I don't sound so grumpy or as miserable as of late.

1. Homemade starbucks coffee

2. Sunrise over the 401 this morning

3. valuing the comfort and awesomeness that is my bed

4. Hearing that VIArail is having a 60% off sale on seats if you book now and ride between now and December sometime....perhaps a mini road trip with my Mum is in order

5. Getting to spend time with my awesome extended family this weekend.

 

sigh

:::

i feel so sad lately and I just can't shake it. I HATE feeling down and negative, and I am doing everything I can do to try to snap out of it, yet I feel on the verge of tears most of the time. It's not something I can put my finger on, but I sort of feel like no matter how hard it's just not enough. And I read back over these sentences and feel like such a negative person, and I don't want to be that person. I want to feel better I just don't know how

As the thunder rolls in the distance....

:::

...which normally I don't mind so much, however G and I have tickets for Depeche Mode tonight and as per usual I got lawn tickets (cheaper, plus tis so romantic to listen to live music while snuggled up on a blanket) Am sitting in the apartment, watching the sky get darker and darker as concert time approaches. Usually am oh so up for a rainy day adventure, but really? I would much rather be snuggled up inside tonight instead of out in the deluge.  

Today I say

:::

 

In an effort to be more health conscious I have started drinking my coffee with milk instead of cream.  The taste I can handle, however I haven't yet figured out what colour it is to be.  I had it down pat with the cream, yet now most mornings I tend to find my coffee is either to milky or else to coffeeish.  Oh foolish drama.

It's been a quick week, so quick in fact that I start panicking with how fast this term is going by.  I just completed week 3, so that is just 9 more weeks til I do my final presentations. eeeek!  As I have mentioned in about 500 previous posts, I am working really hard to stay on top of things this semester which is great, but then there are those early Friday mornings...I get up with G to make us coffee and breakfast, he heads off to work and then I am going to be oh so productive...I get all my markers and materials out so I can start rendering stainless steel (exciting right?) and then I sit down at the computer and spend 45 minutes trying to figure out how to import my old blog into this one.  I have actually been blogging since 2006, but due to an unfortunate incident (aka my first marriage) I had to switch blogs so he wouldn't keep leaving stupid comments.  Now that he has backed off significantly, I thought it might be interesting to link both blogs. However can I remember how I used to log into the old one? Not a chance.  

In semi related news: I am almost a divorcee!!! Thrilled/over the moon is how I would best describe the emotions I feel when looking at that previous statement.  I NEVER wanted to be one of those people who had a quickie wedding and even quicker marriage, but I am learning to accept that yes, I did make a mistake.  It's still kind of a fresh wound and embarrassing at times, but I do have to look back and laugh...chuckle, chortle and down right giggle with glee at how happy I am to be out of that, and moved on to something so much better.

G and I are going to the bank this weekend to see about a mortgage. With me still being in school, it will end up being thanks mostly to a co-signer situation with my Mum...but the thought of getting into the real estate market has been on my mind for the past few years.  And the thought that it might be on the horizon is thrilling. We have spent a lot of time in the evenings perusing MLS.ca, in the hopes of stumbling upon our dream home. We don't have any thoughts that it will be extravagant, we just want somewhere to hang our hats, together as we dream together and make plans for the future.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Dinner in the Dark tonight at O'noir...celebrating Nat's 23rd birthday.
2. Planning a bachelorette party for Not So Wise
3. Being somewhat on top of homework for the time being
4. Looking into homeownership with G...ahhh and yay all at the same time
5. The adorable huge hoop earrings I am wearing today

Daily Grace

:::

1. 2 more sleeps til Harry Potter with Not so wise and her sister

2. Song exchanges with the lovely Nicole last night

3. Dinner at Insomnia

4. Finishing classes early today

5. Getting film back today!!!

Still a bit lost

:::

G has been away all week in Thunder Bay for work.  It's been nice having the apartment to myself, lots of time for writing and reflection I originally thought...none of which I really did. Went to school, had an old friend over for dinner and a sleepover, and then yesterday after class I drove up to Lake Simcoe and spent the night at Harrison's cottage. 

 We went out on the boat for a cruise, went swimming and just spent a super duper cottagey 24 hours.  Last night I think is when the real reflection came about.  I started thinking about being a kid and my old cottage.  So many memories of my Dad came flooding back, and all of them good. Me being young and out on the boat with him, thinking he was the most amazing, smart and strong man in the whole wide world.  The reality of that was obviously far from the truth, but I just felt lost in memories.  I miss the young me, so secure in the notion that those who were supposed to love her did and always would.  That my family would always be in fact a family, and that my father who could do anything, would never let me fall.

       As an almost 29 year old woman I obviously realize that my 6 year old self was flawed in thinking that.  My father was 29 when I was born, my age now. And it is becoming glaringly obvious that he was a fallible being, much like myself.  It just hurts to think too deeply about my childhood memories of him, and wonder where it all went wrong.  I can't help but wonder if I am only setting myself up for more hurt as at this time of grieving I am focusing on all the good...it's almost as if I have forgotten all the shit that made us have no relationship at the time of his passing. But I can't hate someone who is dead, someone who it is ingrained in me to love. And at the same time, I cried myself to sleep last night at the cottage missing someone I haven't even seen in 6 years.

:::

And yet all is not lost. I don't want to sound like a sad sloppy mess. At the same time, I have things I am smiling about and looking forward to. This weekend we are going to Niagara on the Lake with 3 other couples to drink wine, take a pile of photos and celebrate my 29th birthday. After a brief sadness comes great happiness...maybe....At least that is how I am going to look at it. Bring on the birthday. The last year in my 20s is going to be fabulous no matter what just to make up for the insanity that was my mid to late twenties!

Daily Grace

:::

1. Sourdough bread toasted for breakfast

2. Impending Ikea trip

3. Great Gmail chat last night with a girl who always makes me smile

4. My beautiful orchid that is still fighting to live after coming home with me

5. The Beta fish I picked out last night who will come home with me soon and have a better chance at life than the above orchid.

mur

:::

That's a noise I make when I feel...like I feel right now. Also usually accompanied by a "meh" or two.  After the depressing week that I lived last week, I put my butt in gear and worked my BUTT off to finish school. I managed to get all my work done and pass all my classes. I feel somewhat down that all the hard work I put in at the start of the term didn't really matter as I just squeaked by on my final projects, however my teachers were pretty understanding.

Later today I am going to the house where my father lived to pack up all his things and move them home for my brothers and I do go through.  I feel really strange doing this, partly because I haven't known him well in the past few years and wonder his "stuff" consists of, and partly the sense of deja vu that is strangling me at the moment.  In the past three years I have lost my beloved step dad, my grandfather and now my father.  All the losses have effected me, poked holes in my heart, used up boxes upon boxes of Kleenex. Yet at the same time they are all so different, different relationships, different circumstances, different everything.  I just feel a little lost right now, wondering what could have been, wondering if I had just been stronger if would still feel like I am gliding through life currently.  I think since I have been so focused on school since the funeral today is the first day that I have nothing preoccupying my thoughts. It's just me alone in the apartment surrounded by the remnants of my final project.  The solitude is allowing me to absorb what I feel.  And right now that is just a deep sadness surrounded by anger.  Having anger with no one to direct it at just feels extremely frustrating and all consuming.   So I am trying to focus on a few good things, like my freaking incredible group of friends.  There are two who I refer to as "the Erins" who just have always been there for me. No questions asked and it's never a mention of need, or asking for help, any time my life has been in crisis I turn around and they are just there, standing behind me ready to catch me if I fall.  My friend Melissa who I lost touch with for many years in the past is also someone who seems to just know exactly when I need a word of encouragement, a smile, or a silly story sent by email. She somehow manages to turn negatives into positives and having that in my life is essential and amazing. So maybe today I will try to focus on the amazing friends I have in my life instead of anger that I can't deal with just yet.

A letter to you would read...

Dear Dad,

You passed away over a week ago now and I have to say I have gone from being sad to angry. I know we haven't been close in years but I was trying, and I would have wanted to know that you were dying. I am SO mad that you knew this was coming for so long and yet you made no effort to let your daughter, your sons, your brothers...ANYONE know that you were dying. Now there is no chance left for us. How did you not see that? There are so many things that I have wanted to say to you, things I always assumed I would have the time to say. The way you have treated me in the past I knew I had to wait to be stronger before I could have a relationship with you. I finally felt that that time was on the horizon. At the funeral many of your current friends told me how much you loved me and how sad you were that we weren't close. I felt so bad, but now I just wonder if you were so sad why didnt you make the effort? I am taking solace now in the thought that even though you didnt love me the way I needed you to, you still loved me the only way you could. I am still so hurt and angry and just generally broken feeling right now. In all my dealings with you since I was a kid, I have always come through somewhat dirty and tangled, but always stronger. This will be no different. No matter what I wish I could have told you that I loved you. At least one last time.

Love, Julia

Dreams can be motivating

:::

Last night I had a really weird dream. I was hanging out with my ex-father in law and ex brother in law.  When Steven (ex pops in law) was left by his wife, he never really recovered. He got depressed and his house turned into a disgusting mess.  There was an accumulation of newspapers, garbage, mail, recycling that was approximately 8 years old. I think that at some point he just gave up life but kept living.  It was really sad.  However in my dream last night I was randomly visiting them and his house was spotless.  I noticed a ring on his finger and then a woman came in.  He had remarried and was happy. He had moved on and it was so great to see. Even though we aren't in touch anymore, it still made me smile to see how he had turned things around.  Then I awoke and realized with 98% certainty that that was not the case. He has pretty much dedicated his life to taking care of my ex (who has issues and pretty much needs a crazy amount of attention). It was strange, but when I woke up I felt like I had to get moving, to clean up my apartment, not to waste the day away in bed.  I just want to keep moving forward so that no matter what my life wont be me, surrounded in the dirty remnants of my past, unable to take another step.

Daily Grace

:::

1.Hot pink Gerber Daisys in a new ikea vase

2. the GIANT bag of handmedowns I got yesterday

3.It's 9am and I have already done laundry, cleaned the kitchen, made coffee and taken the garbage out

4. Having the fan on

5. My new magic bullet c/o Erin finding the sale and G picking it up for us!

Today...

:::

...I awoke to find that it is amazing what a little sleep can do for your perspective.  The sun is shining in through the cheap plastic blinds in my living room, and everything is going to be ok.  I have to be less passive aggressive and talk to G about what is bothering me.  As a dear friend pointed out, he is young and really he is not going to necessarily notice that vacuuming needs to be done. So I shall say "My dear sexy G, please could you vacuum" instead of stewing over how he doesn't magically understand my needs.

Meh

:::

Am having trouble staying positive today. I let down a friend, and she is justifiably upset with me.  Wrote PS I love you after telling me she was frustrated that I was bailing on her tonight....even after she confirmed on Tuesday...I have to bail cause G got upset with me this morning that I had made plans instead of planning on coming to dinner with his mom and bro who are in town for the night.  Feel like I can't do anything right.  The financial aid guy is also mad at me...trying to help me but all this crap with my name being on G's truck is wreaking havoc on my OSAP. I will hardly get any money this year.  Not at all panic inducing. Thought I could quickly take my name off the vehicle however that involves repaying the entire retail tax amount of the truck. Which we already did when G bought it. SO stupid.  Hate the government.  Got invited to a girls night with highschool friends on Saturday night, confirmed, and then found out its another friend (the one I was to hang out with tonight)s going away party. I just feel down today and I hate it. G has been grumpy for the past few weeks as he hates his job...isn't feeling motivated to clean the apartment and I being the queen of passive aggressiveness am just getting more and more upset about it but refusing to deal head on with the situation. ALSO gained back 5lbs..can't seem to make time for working out. Venting isn't helping. sigh

Daily Grace

:::

1. Finally catching up to the season finale of Nip Tuck last night...can I say... HOLY CRAP

2. A potential job interview today

3. Melissa coming on Friday to do new goals with me

4. G telling me he loved me in his sleep last night

5. sewn birds on my nightstand

Daily Grace

:::

1. Sleeping in til 8:45 this morning
2.Having crazy motivation to get a JOB
3. Still apparently being the most on top of things at school
4. This should actually be #1..My weekend in Guelph with Not So Wise...SO cannot wait for her to meet me at the train at 7 tonight!
5. I'm taking a train ride weeeeeee

Quote of the day

:::

...background...I downloaded the "doink doink" Law and order noise for G....

Text from G: I put the law and order noise on my phone and now weekdays from 6-8 I can't tell if I am getting texts or if I left the TV on...

Daily Grace

:::

1. Delicious Mccain Sweet potato fries (I pretend they are super healthy)
2. Free Iced Coffee at McDonalds
3. Keeping the apartment clean
4. Emailing off resume for a job at an art gallery
5. Not having school today yet still getting up at 7am with G so I can do work

Quote of the day

Me: hey babe wana go see the hangover on friday?

G: I'll be wherever you are.

Me: sigh * sound of heart melting into a puddle on the floor
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell

Creepy Crawlies

:::

This apartment is the only place I have lived other than my parents house, where I haven't had either a rodent or bug issue (*sound of me loudly knocking on wood). My first apartment in the ghetto of Toronto found us waking up in the middle of the night once to pretty much see the floor moving. and so started my first nervous breakdown...barf. (Ok, so not an actual breakdown however there were tears and a few frantic phone calls to my mum that occurred) Places I lived in Philly had mice several times and also a few insects. I have never been able to really call somewhere my "home" when I am kinda creeped out by the place. However since G and I have lived together I think we may have come across one ant. I can handle bugs in the singular form. And ants seem less disgusting somehow.

Anyway the point of this ramble is that yesterday we had a note tucked in our door that they were coming to put down roach stuff over the next few weeks...and I got immediately itchy and grossed out. I much preferred to think that cockroaches don't live in Forest Hill. I guess the issue of apartment living is that these sorts of things are bound to come up, but I hate to think that my view of our love nest will be tainted by the threat of creepy crawlies.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Going to the movies last night and seeing both Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds in various states of undress. sigh. Don't you dare judge me
2. Sleeping in past 7:30
3. It's not raining today!
4. Jac is coming over to do homework with me and she is bringing us lunch. sweet
5. Seeing my brothers new place tonight

Daily Grace

:::

1. Coffee in the morning
2. Packing my lunch for today
3. Knowing my posse at school has my back
4. Playing on Photoshop yesterday and rekindling a love affair
5. The motivation that I have been channeling from somewhere to keep up with my insane work load

Daily Grace

:::

1. G went grocery shopping and made dinner last night. Gloriously relaxing. (well not really cause I was relaxing by studying for a lighting test, however it was awesome not to have to worry about dinner)
2. Being adjusted to getting up early
3. Getting to ride in a convertible yesterday
4. Having used a new razor head to shave this morning....ridiculously soft legs at the moment
5. Knowing that the first two weeks in June I get to spend time with two of my favourite gals!

Daily Grace

:::

1. Getting picked up for school in a convertible
2. Going to the movies last night for the first time in a few months
3. Feeling in a good place with my school work
4. Wearing a dress to school
5. Coming home to a tidy apartment

Summer's coming

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell

Subway signs

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell

Daily Grace

:::

1. Watching the season finale of Criminal Minds last night while hanging out via blackberry messenger with Erin
2. Fresh raspberries I packed for lunch
3. A chat with G last night where we talked about cheesy stuff like our hopes and dreams and what we are looking forward to together
4. Getting to school a full 6 hours before class starts to get a pile of work done
5. An impending tea party, full out with fancy hats and all

Daily Grace

:::

1. I got a 100% on a presentation in my lighting class

2. It's Day 2 of total apartment organization and things look good

3. Its 8 am I have been up for an hour and am about to start homework

4. I made a new dish last night for dinner with the utmost success

5. I bought a T-Shirt at Joe Fresh for $8 last night. Also...am newly addicted to the Canadian Superstore. eeek

Sadness

:::

Although I don't currently have any children, I have taken great pleasure in reading many of the parenting blogs that are out there.  It's nice to hear about people in a different stage of life and to catch a glimpse of what my life may be like in years to come.  I have laughed and cried with many of these people over the last few years, watched them welcome more kids and weather the storms that come with parenting.  Lately however it has been so hard for me to read a few of the blogs I love.  Gorilla buns and TheSpohrs are bloggers who have both recently lost children.  This I cannot even comprehend.  I continue to read, offer up small prayers, and cry.  I literally cannot even fathom the depth of their grief.  I find it amazing how a community of virtual friends can rally so hard behind people they only know through their blogs. I hope it is somewhat cathartic for them to be able to write their way to healing.  And it makes me realize that all the crap I complain about in my day to day life is total bullshit in comparison.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Foresight to do my homework on Friday so I could just chill last night

2. Having my mum drive me to Toronto and hang out all night helping me organize areas of my apartment...did you know I actually have carpet in my bedroom?!  

3. Starbucks vanilla soy latte that I got up early to treat my Mum and I to

4. Getting a presentation out of the way this morning at 11

5. Having G come home tonight

Daily Grace

:::

1. Had an amazing time last night. See below. This is us all snazzed up on our balcony before we TTCed down to the  opera.

*2. I am going to Vera Wang to try on Bridesmaid Dresses today!  Not paying for them is actually the grace.

3. LONG WEEKEND

4.Beautiful Weather for a drive...hoping it holds up for a hike tomorrow

5. Woke up and started on homework.  Always feels good when I get that stuff on the go.

*NO idea why everything under the pic went underlined, I couldn't get it off!

Daily Grace

:::

1. Today marks the 1 year anniversary of G telling me I could come stay with him for a few weeks while I looked for an apartment...so it's the unofficially "we've been living together for a year" day today. hurray.
2. To celebrate number 1 we are getting snazzed up and going to the opera tonight! La Boheme. Never been to the opera before but we love an adventure so here we go!
3. For some reason the rest of my classmates think I am on top of things this term. Freaks me out yet makes me feel amazing all at once.
4. New Criminal Minds last night...spoooky yet good
5. Knowing my best friend SO WELL that at 830 when she texted me "HOLY SHIIIIT" I knew exactly what she was referring to.

Project Progress

:::

For a little over a year now Melissa and I have been working on a little thing called Project Progress We used to meet as much as possible but now that she moved away (cough cough) now we email each other every Monday morning to discuss our goals both short term and long term. Lately we have been really just looking towards things that we need to accomplish in the week even mundane things like "Get a handle on my pile of laundry". It's funny but being accountable even just to one person really helps me keep on track. We email throughout the week with our little success stories of how we are working towards goals and for advice on how to keep moving forward. I think I am going to start posting my goals here each week as well so that I can feel as if I am accountable to even more people.

This isn't exactly the way that Melissa's actual program runs, but we have been doing a bit of a mini version to fit our schedules at the moment. I do need to sit down and examine more long term goals and make a plan of attack for getting there!

Letting it go

:::

Lately I have been somewhat consumed with bitterness and jealousy towards someone I spend a lot of time with. And I hate what it's doing to me. How do I let it go? She and her fiance really are nice kind people, G and I have been asked to stand up for them at their wedding. We rushed into saying yes before we really looked into the cost of being in their wedding (it's in Germany) and tonight we have to tell them that we simply can't afford to go. I have been trying to drop hints lately as to how broke I am...the whole crying in the OSAP office was witnessed by the gal, but she can't seem to grasp that $1500 each (low ball estimate) is far too much for us. That is over 3 months rent...plus some of our bills. G just finished school and has started his apprenticeship and I am trying to find a way to make some extra cash while I am in school. While we would love to go it is just simply impossible.

The issues that are killing me the most is that she just dropped $6,000 on her wedding dress, her parents are helping her and her fiance buy a truck and also they just announced that they have started house hunting. It's true that they will be financing all this stuff through their parents, but it just bugs me that things will never come that easily for me. I realize that I am WAY more fortunate than a large portion of people in this country let alone in this world, but it still bothers me nonetheless. And then thinking about how it bothers me bugs me even more. I dont want to be that girl. I really don't. It's just weird to me that her parents are paying for it all and she is claiming that they are paying it all back. She can shop with minimal consequence as her credit card bill goes to her parents.

I wouldn't trade my life with G for anything. I love our relationship, our love nest and our dreams. So how do I let go of this grumpy feeling towards our friends. It's not their fault that their parents have money and pay for everything. But why do I still hold a grudge? I don't want to be bitter and angry, in fact I would love to be happy for them, buying your first home is a big deal! I really need to let it go and move past it but I dont really know how.

Daily grace

:::
1. Mothers day spent with my mum
2. Feeling like I managed to keep somewhat on top of my homework.
3. Soy milk for my cereal
4. Spooning
5. G helping to cut and mount my project on foam core last night. Let me get to bed at a decent time
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell

Daily Grace

:::

1. Amazing homemade curry I had for dinner tonight.

2. Seeing something looking close to being done(ish) homework wise

3. Tim Hortons decaf tea

4. Getting the remnants of my drunk hair cut fixed up and snazzy

5. Spending time snuggled on the couch with G

Daily Grace

:::

1. Getting a free cup of Starbucks filter coffee for buying beans...no place has ever offered me that before.

2. Slowly getting a hang of using my camera, I have had it for 3 years and I still mostly use it on the Auto setting. I have been reading the manual on the subway and I think I am slowly learning a few new tricks. Hope to have time to try them out soon

3. People who pay their babysitters WAY over minimum wage

4. New tunes on my Ipod

5. My Nanny telling me that she has a present for me. yay presents!

Is it my big mouth? or Girlfriendly Duties

:::

So on Monday, I offered G that I could go pick up something for us to get his Mom for mothers day. He sort of grunted that he and his brother were going to be getting her some jewelry of some sort. Ok sweet...no other thought from me about it...and then...this morning at 6:30 when he was about to work, he gently woke me up to say "Hey babe when you pick up something for my Mom today wana text me a picture before you buy it? Also, can you grab a card? Love you bye" and in my semi awake state I sort of just grunted. However now I am somewhat flustered and annoyed as I have a SHIT PILE of stuff to do today before we head up north. As in a crazy amount of homework, and tidying the apartment and while I know he has a busy day at work I am starting to think that a division of labour chat needs to be made ASAP. bah.

16 again

I feel as if I am 16. I have spent the past hour and a half arguing with a 5 year old about why bed is a good idea and how I don't believe that his mum allows him to not brush his teeth. Or eat chocolate chip cookies in bed for that matter. The lady I am babysitting for is so sweet, had snacks out for me and told me to help myself to anything in the fridge. I may have eaten my weight in homemade chocolate chip cookies! I forgot how much I love babysitting.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell

Daily Grace

:::

1. The periods of calm I have before the panic resets in about all my midterm projects

2. 50 free prints from shutterfly

3. The delicious dinner I threw together last night

4. The promise of wine with my Mum this weekend

5. My health

The ex files

:::

The ex called last night in a terrible state needing to apologize for the approximately 5000 ways in which he mistreated me during our relationship.  I decided that I would answer his call just this one time for old times sake. 

He spent the call apologizing while crying and hinting to me about how he was going to kill himself.  Perhaps this sounds callow, but after roughly the 50th time someone tells you they are going to harm themselves and then they actually do not mean it, it really doesn't remain a concern of mine.  It is something he does for attention not as a cry for help so after 4 years I tend to not get all that concerned when he says those things.  I decided to listen to him apologize cause for once it was a nicer thing to hear than him telling me what an awful person I am for leaving.  Allegedly he is getting all the stuff of mine that he took from me, and assembling it in to some boxes and dropping it off for my cousins who still live near him.  I highly doubt any of that will come into play, however I figured I would listen to the apology and thank him.  I know he wants my forgiveness and to be honest I forgive him in the sense that I just won't let it bother me any more.  However, I don't want to grant him the absolution he is looking for as I know that is the only reason he is saying sorry-->to make himself feel better. And I think that is wrong.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Crab legs being on sale at Loblaws giving me a creative and freaking delicious new option for dinner last night

2. Lindt Fleur De Sel chocolate. Divine

3. Rediscovering my LuLu Lemon short pants which I will wear today

4. Getting to sleep in just a little bit later than G this morning

5. Having my friend Emma hook me up with a sweet and potentially somewhat lucrative babysitting gig

Daily Grace

:::

1. The sun is shining when I have to get up nowadays....makes it much easier for me to drag my bum out of bed

2. My Mum got another 3 months reprieve from her oncologist. Amen. Which also leads me to: 

3. Getting to spend a nice day in the city with my Mum yesterday. We were going to attempt to go to the AGO yet it was closed on Mondays. D'oh. So instead we got a coffee and browsed around Chapters on Queen street while we waited for her appointment.  Really nice day together

4. For the amazing new pillow that me ma bought me yesterday from home outfitters (we also went there;) ) I am always on a quest for a good pillow and by george I think I actually have one!!! This may sound lame but I have a really hard time finding pillows that work for me so this is actually HUGE

5. Fighting the lazy last night and cleaning the kitchen while I made dinner. And also making us both lunches for today. It really is so easy to just say "I'll do it tomorrow" but whenever I do that it always seems to come back on me later as then I have to buy lunch and spend even more time cleaning!

The surprise hangover and the rest of the weekend

:::

Originally I had planned on getting lots of homework done this weekend and doing some fun stuff around Toronto as we weren't heading north.  Friday night we were both just pooped from a long week so we were lazy kids and snuggled as deeply as possible into our couches and fought the urge to move all night. We rented Religiulous and were in bed by 10:30.

We woke up at the same time Saturday morning somehow feeling like it was really late, but it was only 8:30.  I guess that is late to some extent as all week long we had been getting up between 6 and 7.  We got dressed and walked up to Spadina village, did a little window shopping and got coffee at Starbucks.  It was nice to just get to people watch and hang out.  We had brunch plans around 12:30 for our friend Ron's birthday and that ended up setting the tone for the day.  Since we had taken the subway we decided to be either decadant or disgusting (depends how you look at it) and have beers with our brunch.  We then were taking our time up at Yonge and Eglington just chilling and checking out new stuff at HMV when Kate called, and had us come over. So we headed downtown and ended up spending the afternoon chatting, catching up and you guessed it drinking.  

At 10pm their houseguest who I know from back home and who is a hairdresser came home...can you guess where this is going?  She was giving us all haircuts in Kate and Lorne's living room.  I mentioned that I has been wanting to go really short. And with my alcohol induced lack of inhibitions....I ended up getting quite the hair cut. My main stipulation was that I am in Erin's wedding in September so I need pretty hair for that.   

We were there til 3am playing cards and gossiping about highschool and drinking their homemade beer. (who knew it has crazy alcohol content?!)   Apparently I had a nap on the couch for a bit before we headed home oooh classy me passing out at parties!

Sunday morning was a bit of a good news bad news situation.  Good news? I still loved my hair cut. Bad news? It was ill advised to make any sudden movements.  In yet another testament to why I love him, G went out and grabbed us McDonalds....literally saved the day. And while I spent a good 6 hours trying to get up out of a reclined position to do homework, we just chilled on our couches and watched Nip/Tuck for many hours.  It felt like a bit of a wasted day as there are literally a million things we need to get done ie throwing out crap and more organizing of the tiny space that is our love nest, but it was a good day all in all.

Today I have no school. Actually all week for that matter.  I have to be a bit reclusive though and get tons of work done.  Today is a bit of a writeoff homework wise as my Mum is in Toronto for her oncology appointment so I am going to hang out with her and wait for the blood work to tell us that she is good to go for another 3 months.  I am going to tidy up a little bit and maybe get some stuff set up so that tonight I can hopefully stay on track so that next weekend doesn't end in my tears (which is what happens when I don't stay ontop of things with school!)

Daily Grace

:::

1. For these two 'new to me' songs I have been listening to all weekend. 'Weighty Ghost' by Wintersleep and Brighter Discontent by The Submarines.
2.Cafe Creme in the big red coffee cup G bought me

3. My new haircut

4. Catching up with friends I haven't seen in ages over the weekend

5. Getting nothing accomplished that was on my list of to-do's this weekend....and still enjoying myself

Quote of the day

:::

(this one is actually from last week)

I was talking to Erin about life etc and all she is dealing with with her fiance's illness....

*I am paraphrasing

"Well we get lemons and try to make lemonaid"

"You are just so positive Erin, it really encourages me"

"Yeah well somedays when we get those lemons we just throw them at the wall"

Which I think might be the funniest thing she has ever said!

Daily Grace

:::

1. I got to wear my adorable wellies (see sidebar pic) last night cause it was raining

2. I'm slowly learning how to use Flickr

3. After my terrible horrible no good financial aid experience I came home to G who said the best words to ever hear "We'll take care of it together"

4. I am organized enough to get two assignments finished today...I am not coming back to the apartment until they are finished

5. A good nights sleep. Brings much better perspective to my life!

Not a high point for me

:::
Today I got called into the financial services office at school to discuss my next OSAP application. All was going well until I mentioned that G and I had bought a truck. It is essentially his truck however my name is on it since I have a good insurance record and so our rates would be lower. Apparently OSAP looks down on students owning vehicles and so it would seem I will go from getting the max (as I did for this year) to getting around $4,000 which won’t even come close to covering my tuition. So the guy’s big tip for me was to a) sell my truck or b) figure out some other way in which to get tons of money.

While stripping was the first thing that came to mind, it isn’t exactly a viable life choice for me in all honesty. And G needs the truck for work so it’s not like selling it is another option.

He was talking figures and not seeming to comprehend that I am living pretty basically at the moment he sussed it out that with interest relief on my loan, the penalty of me having this vehicle will add up to me missing out on 15,000 essentially. This is where I thought I was going to blackout, but instead I started to cry in the financial aid office. I felt like the biggest loser. It was one of those cries where you feel it coming, do what you can to hold it back but those hot tears come bursting out no matter how hard you will it stop. 

It always seems to happen just as I think I have a handle on things that something else pops up and bites me in the ass. I just don’t know what the best plan of attack here is. OBVIOUSLY I would love an extra $15,000 that I don’t have to pay back in 2 years, however I currently don’t know if I have the money to pay all the extra in insurance each month it will cost if I am not listed as an owner.

Bring a grownup sucks sometimes, yet do I even count as a grownup if I literally cry in grownup situations?

Daily Grace

:::

1. I got up early enough to enjoy a leisurely cup of coffee while blogging this morning

2. Getting 90% on my building Systems test last night...need to know anything about HVAC? I'm your girl!

3. Meeting up with my class early before class today (9am instead of 2pm) to get two assignments out of the way before midterm week. As much as I would rather chill at home than have 10 hours of school today, I know it will feel phenomenal to get stuff done.

4. A lovely long catch up email from an old friend

5. Figuring out how to make my blog prettier.  I love it!

Freedom?

:::

 Over the past week it would seem that D is finally letting go.  After several frantic emails and calls (both of which I ignored) He finally sent a really long email saying that he no longer blames me for everything that is wrong in his life.  He apologized for treating me so poorly and for being so cruel.  He then claimed that he doesn't want to hold out on signing the divorce papers any longer.  That he isn't going to try to come after me for anything financial (which is great cause I have no money, however I would have had to pay a lawyer a bunch of money to defend against that) As he has done this a few times before I emailed to let him know that the ball was in his court. Last time he said this I spent $200 for my lawyer to send him papers that he just ignored.

Dare I hope? Do I actually believe him this time and start formulating plans and picturing my life completely free of him? It's weird cause he is asking for forgiveness yet I just don't think I am there yet. He has done too many awful things to me for me to just let it go, however I know that holding on to the hurt and anger really just effects me.

Also--tacky or no: sharing some champagne with a few close friends to celebrate that chapter of my life being over?

pretty pretty

:::

Attempting to fiddle with le blog and make it look prettier...can't quite figure it out, but its a small start.  Should be studying for a building systems exam, yet I am doing this instead.  Oh  I am such a fabulous procrastinator

Daily Grace

:::

1. Feeling somewhat on top of my school work...which is decreasing my anxiety level...which is an AMAZING thing!

2. For having a really nice visit with G's brother who has been staying with us since Sunday

3.  We started trying the GI diet on Sunday.  It's been hard cause sometimes I am lazy however I feel like for once I can actually do this.  I have lost about 10lbs since January and I am really trying to keep the healthiness going

4. Making fun plans for G and I for Saturday in Toronto.  I think we are going to go to St Lawrence Market...any suggestions?  We have a bad habit of going north every weekend and not enjoying our surroundings here in the city

5. Knowing my friend Emma has had two great dates with the amazing DB (dreamboat) the past two nights

Quote of the day

:::

After getting cut off on our way home from the grocery store:

"Just cause you drive a Bentley doesn't mean you have to be an asshole"

-G

Daily Grace

:::

1. Last night I had nachos for dinner. Hurray for laziness

2. Iphoto might be my new favourite thing in the world. Or at least one small step in the direction of me FINALLY getting something like 6000 photos organized

3. I got a delivery from Amazon! granted it's a book for school but I have to say I always feel pretty  awesome getting mail of any kind. Usually its junk mail or addressed to Dear Occupant

4. Some form of motivation I seem to have today...I woke up on the earlyish side and have started cleaning up for G's brothers surprise visit this weekend. Hopefully motivation continues all day and I actually get some homework done too. There are some serious deadlines looming and I need to get on it!

5. This is going to make me sound like a monster redneck, however...There is a buck and doe tomorrow night and I am really looking forward to dancing with my friends and eating midnight sandwich buffet!

Daily Grace

:::

1. Finally getting my butt in gear, and calling TD to get the credit card with WAY lower interest...paying off old credit card with new credit card and getting a great balance transfer rate...CUTTING OLD CREDIT CARD UP AND THROWING OUT.

2. While not spending the time I planned this week on getting housework done, I have somehow managed to keep on top of my homework and start making plans for upcoming projects and assignments which will keep me sane in the coming weeks.

3. Once again--The Sun.  I feel like I have been thankful for that a lot lately, but heck, it makes me feel thankful so big ups to that yellow thing in the sky.

4. Getting to go see my oldest and dearest friend at her first wedding dress fitting last night.  I was fake tearing up to cover the real tearing up. She picked the absolutely perfect dress that might as well have been made for her. I am so honoured to be in her wedding.

5. For the first time, I have really appreciated and enjoyed the quiet and solitude that comes along with G being gone for a few  days. True I miss him and I may or may not have been sleeping on his side of the bed, but I have been enjoying some "me" time.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Learning how to use my new computer. I am in love.

2. My awesome friend Harrison who came with me tonight for some sushi and is now teaching me how to use my new computer.

3.  G going away for a few days so I can hopefully get my crap together and clean up my trail of stuff I leave all around the apartment.

4. The new issue of Dwell Magazine

5. Strawberries being on sale for a LOONIE at the corner market.

Mac daddy love

G and I bought a new laptop last night and I think I am in love. I am by no means "in the money", I just recently sold something expensive and I wanted to put the money towards something we really needed. I am a giant fan of all things internet, I love taking photos and playing with Photoshop, and I am going to need a nice computer for work and presentations...and so...we bought a Mac. I wish I could stay home from school today and organize my pictures and upload my itunes, but alas duty calls.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell

Daily Grace

:::

1. Not having to wear a jacket yesterday
2. Having the courage to tell G that I have been feeling a bit down lately.
3. Coffee with mum this morning in our favourite polka dotted mugs
4. Getting a really good sleep last night and the refreshed feeling that comes with it today
5. Slowly but surely getting things organized in my life

long class

:::
I am currently sitting in my AutoCAD class and it seems our teacher is learning along side us. Class started at 2, and it's now 4 and we have literally not learned a thing. It has taken 2 hours to just get everyone set up. I tend to have an onset of ADD in situations like this, I can barely pay attention to her anymore (as can be evidenced through mobile blogging) I have to sit here til 7pm and I am just sooo ready to go.  5 hour labs in rooms with non opening windows and barely functioning CAD capabilities is just not a good call.  Also someone in the caf has made popcorn and now I am ravenously hungry. sigh

---

Create a cool, new character for your Windows Live™ Messenger. Check it out

Daily Grace

:::

1. The delicious Bagel and Lox I had for breakfast. It was glorious
2. Feeling that I am mildy ahead of the game in the homework department
3. That I am currently blogging from my AutoCAD class
4. Having my brother randomly stop by last night on his way to the airport
5. Today I am wearing my adorable new Payless shoes and I have had about 5 compliments on how adorable they are

Daily Grace

:::

1. For finishing Season 2 of Nip Tuck last night. OMG (this may be the first time I have used the abbreviation OMG) but wow it was awesome and I think we have to rent season 3 ASAP. I love renting TV shows on DVD cause then we can just chill and not get suckered in with those brutal cliff hangers!

2. Melissa and I have started doing our goals again. Last year we would chat each week and talk about our daily, weekly monthly and long term goals...just kinda get them out in the universe what it was we needed/wanted to accomplish. Having someone to be accountable to really helps keep me on track.

3. Even though I had 10 hours of class yesterday...long winded boring classes... I managed to come home and still find some (albeit minimal) energy to get some work done. yay me. I just really need to keep on top of things this term cause I think I could drown in school work very quickly.

4. Erin's fiance didn't have to go back to Emerg yesterday. He is still in a lot of pain and tons of frustration dealing with his health issues, but a small blessing in his day I am sure.

5. Sharing a bottle of red wine while watching television on a Monday night

Daily Grace

:::

I have been writing down all my daily graces at graceinsmallthings.ning.com but I am having a hard time/am too lazy to seem to remember to put them here as well. I think I may just start keeping track of everyday miracles and blessings here instead. Happy Easter Monday everyone. I have a few pics I will post tonight,

1) My brothers girlfriend. She is awesome, beautiful and really really cares about my brother. This is the first girl he has ever brought to a family dinner and she fit in really well. Was so much fun to have other girls around!

2) Getting all my homework done this weekend yet still being able to enjoy myself

3) Even though I had a coffee to perk myself up for the ride home last night I was still able to fall asleep at a semi regular hour...this is a miracle in itself. Usually coffee after 5 for me means no sleep til Brooklyn!

4) The ease at which I can get out of bed when it is light in the mornings. I can find everything in my room without having to turn lights on and wake G up

5) Having a sushi and 'Rachel Getting Married' date with Emma later this week. I am going to make it work so that I have all my homework done and can just relax and enjoy!

Real Love 2

:::
Real love is sending cute facebook love notes and then being too excited for the other person to get them...so calling to say "umm check your facebook"

Pad Thai

Pad Thai

Sauce (mix all ingredients together in small bowl and set aside)

6 tbsp Brown Sugar
2-4 tbsp chili garlic sauce
2 tsp soya sauce
2 tbsp oyster sauce
6 tbsp rice vinegar
2 tbsp ketchup


Pad Thai

1 cup raw chicken breast sliced on the diagonal
10-20 shrimps (raw or cooked) cut them in half
2 eggs *I feel these are optional
14oz dry thai rice stick noodles
175g chopped extra firm tofu
4 tbsp cooking oil
1 tsp minced garlic
½ cup chopped green onions or chives
1 red pepper sliced in strips and cut in half
1 yellow pepper sliced in strips and cut in half
1/3 cup chopped coriander
2 cups bean sprouts
½ cup ground peanuts
1 lime (cut in wedges)
¼ tsp fish sauce
½ tsp soya sauce

**Soak noodles for at least 30mins in lukewarm water
**Mix fish sauce with chicken and let sit while noodles are soaking

Put 2 tbsp of oil in wok and heat using medium high temperature.
Add tofu together with Soya sauce, reduce heat and cook 2-3 mins each side
Increase heat to medium, add garlic and cook til lightly browned
Add chicken. When chicken is cooked, add shrimp.
Add remaining 2 tbsp of oil. Add eggs and stir.
Drain water from noodles
Add half the sauce to ingredients in wok, add half the noodles and stir fry.
Add second half of sauce and noodles to wok, continue to stir fry mixing well.
Cover for 2 mins. Remove lid and stir fry until noodles are soft.
Add peppers, green onions, coriander and 1 cup of the bean sprouts.
Stir for a minute and remove from heat.
Serve with remaining bean sprouts, lime and peanuts. Garnish with green onion and peanuts.

Pretty Good little Sunday

:::

Mum and I got up early and just sat on the couch discussing life love and the pursuit of happiness. Before I knew it it was 11am, and I had promised my grandma I would come to her house and start going through my grandpa's things. She said she just can't bare to see her husbands life reduced to "stuff" but she just needs things packed away. It is just too raw for her. 61 years together and suddenly you become single again. She has been part of Joan and John essentially all her life, it is so sad to see her struggle with who she is as herself. Mum and I made piles to take to the community outreach, piles to throw out and piles of things we want to keep. I ended up with a brown suede fedora, a book of quotes and his old burberry umbrella. The umbrella is so old that it appears it might disintigrate at the first sign of rain, but it just screams "Grandpa" to me and I love it. We spent a few hours immersed in his things, which was both sad and funny. He kept some of the strangest things over the years. I found notes I had tucked in his pocket when I was 10 years old. Seeing what was important enough for someone to keep for 18+ years really says so much about a person. I have always known he loved me, but I just felt such a sense of being loved today, it really meant a lot.