Thursday, August 6, 2009

Boozy at Bedtime etc.


I had a few drinks with G after work/school...G and his visiting friend Ski...or Josh as some may call him.  I wasn't paying attention, and now, look out, here it comes...I am in my jammies, blogging in bed while they guys have gone out, boys night style.  I have to say I am thankful I didn't need to attend, to put snazzy clothes on and fight against the trendy, Thursday night Toronto crowd,  however, now I have a bit of a beer buzz happening, and alone I lay, in my apartment, love nest! So I turn to what I love second Mac. And those on the internet I feel strangely close to.....
Many an ellipses passes through my fingers...(and here I go again) but do any of them deserve to be here?
    I thought I would write a bit about last weekend, the long random civic holiday here in Canada.  G and I had a progressive Northern tour.  Friday night we spent with Erin and Steve in Barrie. Saturday afternoon we made it up to Gravenhurst to visit my family and Sunday afternoon we headed further north to see his grandma and uncle.  Friday was great, catching up with friends who are known so well that they just feel like an extension of oneself.  Saturday was great to see my uncles, aunts and cousins.  Reflecting on the last few times I have seen them, my grandpa's funeral, my dad's funeral and my aunt's mom's funeral, a simple random family get together felt so nice and so safe.  It was just strange to be around people and in a setting i SO relate to my Dad.  The cottage is so him. So Dad.  My cousin Jeff took G and I for a boat ride past our old cottage, and it took all I had in me not to cry.  I am not sure why it is I feel I need to try to be so strong sometimes, but it's almost that I don't want to let others down. Make them have to deal with me, the hot mess. So I try to bite my lip and soldier on.  I don't think even G realized how tough this all was for me.  Soon we will be bringing his ashes up here, to be in the river with my grandma and grandpa...and even thinking about it almost brought me to my knees.  It hasn't even been two months yet but I feel like everyone expects me to be so cool about this.  It almost hurts that no one asks me about him, about how I am doing. And yet at the same time I don't want it to be a topic of conversation. Never have I felt so conflicted with my emotions.  What I needed to take from the weekend was some form of feeling close to my Dad, being up in Muskoka, the place he loved the most, the place with the best memories I have of him, of us as a family. I still sometimes feel so raw thinking about the losses in my life as of late, yet I am trying so hard to focus on the good, and move forward with everything.
     It was so nice to be in North Bay, to have a good visit with G's grandma, to sit in the gazebo with her and drink Tim Horton's coffee with timbits, to hear her stories, to laugh and feel light hearted for the first time in ages.  My Nanny is so in love with G, so it feels good knowing that his grandma knows me as well.  We ended up spending 6 hours in the truck together on the way home. A 3 hour ride + the insane weekend traffic.  It was good to be together, we sang along with our Ipods, caught up on the past few weeks as we have been all over the place and got to see a lot of the mid Ontario landscape that perhaps we take so for granted. It's felt good to have a short week, to try to tackle some of the insanity at school, and to feel the momentum of moving forward...crossing things off my list and slowly but surely getting to be where I want to be.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

awww...sounds like an awesome weekend, even if it was a little emotional at the cabin. that must be really hard for you at times I bet. Sounds like you're really happy though.
and gotta love those beer buzzes while on the internet. Dangerous for me though, I always go shopping on Anthro or Urban or Etsy and then the next morning remember what I've done and feel guilty-especially when a week later my package arrives-ha! o'well!