Friday, July 10, 2009

Still a bit lost


G has been away all week in Thunder Bay for work.  It's been nice having the apartment to myself, lots of time for writing and reflection I originally thought...none of which I really did. Went to school, had an old friend over for dinner and a sleepover, and then yesterday after class I drove up to Lake Simcoe and spent the night at Harrison's cottage. 

 We went out on the boat for a cruise, went swimming and just spent a super duper cottagey 24 hours.  Last night I think is when the real reflection came about.  I started thinking about being a kid and my old cottage.  So many memories of my Dad came flooding back, and all of them good. Me being young and out on the boat with him, thinking he was the most amazing, smart and strong man in the whole wide world.  The reality of that was obviously far from the truth, but I just felt lost in memories.  I miss the young me, so secure in the notion that those who were supposed to love her did and always would.  That my family would always be in fact a family, and that my father who could do anything, would never let me fall.

       As an almost 29 year old woman I obviously realize that my 6 year old self was flawed in thinking that.  My father was 29 when I was born, my age now. And it is becoming glaringly obvious that he was a fallible being, much like myself.  It just hurts to think too deeply about my childhood memories of him, and wonder where it all went wrong.  I can't help but wonder if I am only setting myself up for more hurt as at this time of grieving I am focusing on all the's almost as if I have forgotten all the shit that made us have no relationship at the time of his passing. But I can't hate someone who is dead, someone who it is ingrained in me to love. And at the same time, I cried myself to sleep last night at the cottage missing someone I haven't even seen in 6 years.


And yet all is not lost. I don't want to sound like a sad sloppy mess. At the same time, I have things I am smiling about and looking forward to. This weekend we are going to Niagara on the Lake with 3 other couples to drink wine, take a pile of photos and celebrate my 29th birthday. After a brief sadness comes great happiness...maybe....At least that is how I am going to look at it. Bring on the birthday. The last year in my 20s is going to be fabulous no matter what just to make up for the insanity that was my mid to late twenties!

1 comment:

Melissa said...

Father's sure were great when we were six, eh? For 29 years I have just focused on the good stuff, and did my best to ignore the questionable. I might be repressing some anger by doing this, but at least it lets me spend time with him and not be angry while doing it. I don't think it's a bad thing at all that you get lost in the revere of what was. If you can release the hurt from your heart, you will feel a much better person for it. Even if it takes you 10 years to do it. xoxo PS I hope your birthday weekend is wonderful!