1. Green Tea from Starbucks 2. Picnic in the park tonight with Meags and B 3. G making some extra dough running errands with the truck 4. Running into an old friend on the subway who might have a connection to get me a design internship 5. Lulu Lemon short pants. I could live in these
Reverie: From the French, meaning thes state of dreaming sweetly and comfortably, a state of enjoyment and pure happiness. To be in a Reverie is to be in one of the single most blissful states in the world.
1. Not So Wise's wedding is fast approaching...can't wait 2. My friend Morgan got engaged on Friday 3. Babysitting tonight = extra cashola 4. Free tickets to a play for Sunday fell into my lap 5. Finally feeling better
I had a meeting at school yesterday regarding whether or not my ID diploma program will be turned into a BA program (signs are pointing to yes...yay) As I was sitting in the room, surrounded by fellow students I suddenly had a surge or positivity. An "A-Ha" moment I believe Oprah calls them. I know that I am where I am supposed to be, working towards this goal that I want, and surrounded by the right people. I CAN DO THIS. Things are on the right track for me, and even though I tend to get bogged down often with the "holy crap is this right for me"ness, I need to rise above and realize that yes, I am in the right spot. It was the first time in months that I actually felt that way, and it was very refreshing. Then this morning we had a presentation in front of our studio teacher, and I pitched my ideas for the tea shop I am designing. She loved my store front and had only positive minor improvements to add. I am starting to feel more confident with my ideas and I need to stop playing things so safe, cause I am only getting better at what I do, and isn't that what school is for anyway? It's great, I feel like I might be getting over the hump that has had me down for the past while.
I dream of my father every night. He comes into my subconsciousness as a not so holy trinity of the men missing in my life: stepfather, grandfather, father. I have lost too many people in a short period of time, and all of them my older male figures. Some closer to me than others, but strangely the loss is felt just as deeply with each. Every morning as of late I wake up with a renewed sense of loss. It is always my father in my dreams, but at times it is as if I am spending time with my stepdad, or my grandfather. I don't feel as if I can even articulate the way I feel about this....it's just far too much. I want to dream of hot men, and rainbows and whatever random carefree crap I used to dream about. I just don't want to have incredible dreams about spending time with people and getting closure in situations, and waking up feeling as if a bandaid has been ripped from a wound. (gross analogy)
When I was 14 years old I finished a two year long growing out my bangs fest. At that point I swore I would never ever cut my bangs again. That was in 1994...and to this point I have remained true to my word. Last night my friend Harrison was playing around on the InStyle website where you can give your own photos celebrity hair styles (and makeovers) So here I am...with the Vanessa Hudgens...And I kinda like it. Maybe even just the colour more so than the bangs. Thoughts? I really like how it looks, but I don't want to HATE my bangs after a week...cause it literally will take me years to grow out. I love the way they look on other people, but not sure if it's for me. I can't decide!!!
I've felt so dumpy lately. Trying hard to stay positive and not dwell on the negative, but I guess really it is ok to have a pity party, as long as I can move on from it. I talked to my Mum on the phone for about 40mins this morning and she some how has the ability to turn around my outlook and make me feel better. She is able to be encouraging without being condescending and really seems to understand just how I feel. She has her three month appointment tomorrow and I hate so much that I can't be there with her (I have a test worth 30% of my final mark) I just want to do whatever I can to support her in the ways she supports me. We decided today that we are taking a trip out East (or ANYWHERE) on my week off in September. She is always the one who is taking care of everyone else, putting her needs aside. I want to do this with her, something fun, we have never really done a road trip before, and I think this will be great for us. She so needs an adventure and I want to be the co-pilot, the partner in crime!
I had a few drinks with G after work/school...G and his visiting friend Ski...or Josh as some may call him. I wasn't paying attention, and now, look out, here it comes...I am in my jammies, blogging in bed while they guys have gone out, boys night style. I have to say I am thankful I didn't need to attend, to put snazzy clothes on and fight against the trendy, Thursday night Toronto crowd, however, now I have a bit of a beer buzz happening, and alone I lay, in my apartment, nay...my love nest! So I turn to what I love second best...my Mac. And those on the internet I feel strangely close to.....
Many an ellipses passes through my fingers...(and here I go again) but do any of them deserve to be here?
I thought I would write a bit about last weekend, the long random civic holiday here in Canada. G and I had a progressive Northern tour. Friday night we spent with Erin and Steve in Barrie. Saturday afternoon we made it up to Gravenhurst to visit my family and Sunday afternoon we headed further north to see his grandma and uncle. Friday was great, catching up with friends who are known so well that they just feel like an extension of oneself. Saturday was great to see my uncles, aunts and cousins. Reflecting on the last few times I have seen them, my grandpa's funeral, my dad's funeral and my aunt's mom's funeral, a simple random family get together felt so nice and so safe. It was just strange to be around people and in a setting i SO relate to my Dad. The cottage is so him. So Dad. My cousin Jeff took G and I for a boat ride past our old cottage, and it took all I had in me not to cry. I am not sure why it is I feel I need to try to be so strong sometimes, but it's almost that I don't want to let others down. Make them have to deal with me, the hot mess. So I try to bite my lip and soldier on. I don't think even G realized how tough this all was for me. Soon we will be bringing his ashes up here, to be in the river with my grandma and grandpa...and even thinking about it almost brought me to my knees. It hasn't even been two months yet but I feel like everyone expects me to be so cool about this. It almost hurts that no one asks me about him, about how I am doing. And yet at the same time I don't want it to be a topic of conversation. Never have I felt so conflicted with my emotions. What I needed to take from the weekend was some form of feeling close to my Dad, being up in Muskoka, the place he loved the most, the place with the best memories I have of him, of us as a family. I still sometimes feel so raw thinking about the losses in my life as of late, yet I am trying so hard to focus on the good, and move forward with everything.
It was so nice to be in North Bay, to have a good visit with G's grandma, to sit in the gazebo with her and drink Tim Horton's coffee with timbits, to hear her stories, to laugh and feel light hearted for the first time in ages. My Nanny is so in love with G, so it feels good knowing that his grandma knows me as well. We ended up spending 6 hours in the truck together on the way home. A 3 hour ride + the insane weekend traffic. It was good to be together, we sang along with our Ipods, caught up on the past few weeks as we have been all over the place and got to see a lot of the mid Ontario landscape that perhaps we take so for granted. It's felt good to have a short week, to try to tackle some of the insanity at school, and to feel the momentum of moving forward...crossing things off my list and slowly but surely getting to be where I want to be.