Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A letter to you would read...

Dear Dad,

You passed away over a week ago now and I have to say I have gone from being sad to angry. I know we haven't been close in years but I was trying, and I would have wanted to know that you were dying. I am SO mad that you knew this was coming for so long and yet you made no effort to let your daughter, your sons, your brothers...ANYONE know that you were dying. Now there is no chance left for us. How did you not see that? There are so many things that I have wanted to say to you, things I always assumed I would have the time to say. The way you have treated me in the past I knew I had to wait to be stronger before I could have a relationship with you. I finally felt that that time was on the horizon. At the funeral many of your current friends told me how much you loved me and how sad you were that we weren't close. I felt so bad, but now I just wonder if you were so sad why didnt you make the effort? I am taking solace now in the thought that even though you didnt love me the way I needed you to, you still loved me the only way you could. I am still so hurt and angry and just generally broken feeling right now. In all my dealings with you since I was a kid, I have always come through somewhat dirty and tangled, but always stronger. This will be no different. No matter what I wish I could have told you that I loved you. At least one last time.

Love, Julia

2 comments:

cococricketsmama said...

I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were estranged from your dad. I'm sorry for your loss. I have a somewhat similar relationship with my dad, it is very sad. My heart goes out to you.

Rebecca said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. :( I haven't visited in a while but I hope you are doing well esp with all of that to deal with. Go through the emotions girl, journal it out, cry, scream - whatever you need to do to process it all.