Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Daily grace

1. Having one presentation left before my week off!
2. A good nights sleep.
3. New episodes of Lie To Me 4. Roof top patio
5. The smell of rain
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Monday, June 21, 2010

Daily grace

1. Reading on the Subway
2. Having coffee in the house and allowing time to make it in the morning.
3. Summer dresses
4. Tru Blood
5. Crossing things off my list
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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Tis the season

:::

For being end of term again! T-minus 5 days til final presentations start. Who has two thumbs and feels remotely ready? *points to self. Not this guy. This term has been a struggle, with moving and all that, but I just don't feel ready for everything to be due. We always get through it but as of late I tend to keep choosing sleep over staying up and working.

In probably a creepy and TMI note, right now I am laying in bed thinking morbid thoughts. A year ago today (the 16th) my Dad didn't wake up in the morning. And I guess its messed up to be thinking this but part of me wonders if he was just sleeping and he slipped away or if he was up and suffering for a while. Girlsgonechild.net posted a song today called Let Go by Everest, and it really made me think. I want to just let this go, but sometimes I don't know how. I have so very many amazing things in my life to focus on but then I get these blips like anniversaries or just thoughts that bring me back to where I see that I haven't let go.
I can't believe its been a year already, I feel that my life was irrevocably changed and I kind of just want it back.
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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The big D

:::
I got an email from my lawyer yesterday...and my divorce, 3 years in the making has finally come through. I was at school and was chatting about it with my friends when another classmate said "I've never heard anyone celebrating a divorce before". That can't possibly be true right? I am sure people have escaped far worse marriages than mine and had cause for celebration!
It really got me thinking though, and that's always good! I think its a bit callous sounding to delight in the complete removal of a person from ones life, but he wasn't a good person, and its best that he is gone. I feel strange today, somehow almost lighter. This has been a weight dragging me down for sometime now, and knowing that this break is final, that he no longer has any power over me feels fantastic.
I do however feel that thanks to this experience my view of relationships and marriage as a whole have changed. Not in a bad way, but just different. Before I think I was so focused on the wedding aspect I think I didn't really contemplate what came after. Forever. That's a looong time. With my ex, I was in a position where things happened extremely fast, and we definitely didn't have time to get to know each other enough first. (obviously as we made the wrong decision) But things with G are different. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, having him tease me about my clumsyness and me rolling my eyes at his inability to be on time. I know enough of him and love all of it, and I look forward to uncovering the parts of him that I don't yet know. I think we will remain in this stage together for a while now, living together and making sure we are really right for each other before we move forward. But I am definitely ready and excited for the next stage in our lives.



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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

1 year (almost)

:::

It seems that I am thinking of things in years lately...or there have just been some anniversaries as of late. June 16th will be my best friends 30th birthday, and one year since my Dad died. What a shitty way to always remember the date. I almost feel like he is haunting me lately. I dream of him almost every night. I have dreams of him and our old cottage, I guess they will forever be intertwined in my mind. The dreams are always good, in each one we are just spending time together and I almost feel like I am getting the chance to say goodbye. That we were able to some how wrap up all the crap between us. But then I wake up and remember that we sold our cottage and that he went and died without so much as a whisper about his illness. I guess sometimes I am just still so freaking mad at him, but then other times I am just so sad. I know that death is final but I just really wish that we had had a chance to talk. Why didn't he let us know he was dying? Did he think that I wouldnt forgive him for all the crap that he put us through? And how could he just leave us all behind trying so hard to pick up all the pieces that he left us here with. Never having closure really is just leaves me grasping at straws trying to imagine what he was thinking. And no matter how much he hurt me when I was younger, it kills me just a bit to think that he was scared and alone and dying--with no family around him. I would have come back to him, and I know my brothers would have been there with him too. If not to comfort him, at least to say goodbye.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

3 years ago

:::

3 years ago I moved back to Canada. I was so very unsure of my self and the next steps in my life. I was turning 27, and had felt that I was a lost soul. My mum welcomed me home, enveloping me in her unwavering love and support and her trust in me that I would figure it all out. I decided to get out of my abusive marriage and to start all over again. I remember being so scared and sad and worried that I would never get it together. I can honestly say I never thought I would feel the way I do today. So I am so thankful to my amazing mum for once again picking up the pieces of my self esteem and helping me figure out how to place them back in order
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