Wednesday, August 6, 2008



I awaken, intertwined with you
you hit snooze and we nuzzle
spoon one side, turn, repeat
tepid breath on my neck, soft skin under my own
the last moments we share of stolen sleep
before consciousness peels us apart; feet no longer touching

A weeks worth all at once:

As it hasn't been that busy at work lately (while I am covering reception) I have been writing blogs and then emailing them to myself. But my internet access at home is unreliable and also once again I forgot my password etc so yeah...anyway here are several Blogs, a few are from last week and one is from yesterday, I am doing them in order so most recent is last. yippee.

Bikini Death Camp and other pleasantries

I have been unhappy with my level of fitness for quite some time now. In fact…I would say the past 11 years. At 17 I pierced my belly button in what was to be motivation for me to work out and get really fit. I am now 28 and my mid-section has just slowly started getting more pronounced. I am not fat, I am not even what would be considered as overweight, but for my personal ideal, I have been unhappy for quite some time. In the late spring I noticed flyers going up all over my neighbourhood about “Bikini Bootcamps” that were starting up all over the city. They seemed to fill up before I could even locate the sign up locations. I was telling G about this and he decided that he would run a bootcamp for me (it would seem that my main issue is complete lack of motivation) So for the past two days we have gone to the park near our apartment, and run stairs, used benches as step machines, jogged along the marked path and done many forms of squat lunges and the likes. I honestly feel like I am going to throw up mid way though, but as G seems very encouraging and supportive I push through and am now having a small sense of pride that I have made it through. Unfortunately there are no immediate results, so other than the fact that I am walking like a cowgirl today; I can’t tell I have been working out. I know this is silly, but I do this all the time, start working out do it a few times and then my laziness takes over and I bail. I would really love to feel good about myself and to know that I am somewhat fit. I feel like at 28 it isn’t too late to start getting into shape and being active. I know I want to live a more active lifestyle, but it is just those few steps in getting going that I tend to lack. It feels amazing to have a partner who wants to be active too and who can be motivate me to get off my ass!
I am feeling out of sorts today and I can’t put my finger on it. I am being really good lately at looking on a brighter side of things or perhaps trying to be positive…however sometimes those old feelings still overwhelm me. As with many times in the past few years, I am once again at some sort of crossroad. While it is so exciting that I don’t know what is coming up in my life, at the same time I occasionally get into a panic about it. My temp job potentially ends at the end of August. My supervisor here has said that he really can’t guarantee that I will be able to get hired on full time, he is pretty sure that my contract will be renewed. While this is good as it means no unemployment, it is also somewhat bad as I don’t get paid days off and my temp agency makes a few dollars on the hour from me. My friend is leaving her job in the city and heading back up to her hometown. Her boss asked her if she knew anyone that might be interested in her job. I think I am going to apply. It is more money than I would make here and it would be an actual position. I also wanted to start looking for jobs that might help me career wise (in the vein of being a counselor) but I think I am somewhat scared to try to take a step. Or I just feel overwhelmed with where to even start looking with something like this. I feel like so much time and energy is devoted to teenage angst…but what about late 20 angst?!
I always thought that I would go to school, find an awesome job and just delight in my work. (extremely optimistic huh?) I didn’t think I would be someone floundering around trying to find something to suit me…never sure what it would be that I could do. After a very long talk with an old friend, I realized that I love the idea of counseling...and now I just need to start taking those steps towards my goal. It just seems scarier at this point for some reason. I guess cause I have already done the starting over thing within the last year. But honestly? If I am not making tons of money and am still in school for a few more years I will survive wont I? I think I still worry too much and want to be secure (financially) but realistically, as long as I have a job and goals I will be moving in the right direction.
Day Three...
...of my attempts to blog from work. I keep emailing entries to myself but the night seems to get away from me and then I forget. Now instead of blogger collecting my thoughts it would appear that hotmail is the keeper of secrets. Today is one of those days where I can’t concentrate at work. The allure of a lovely summer day and the promise of the coming long weekend are infiltrating my thoughts. There is a farmers market on the street below my building and I wish I was out there taking pictures and buying produce; instead I am manning the phones and watching the computer clock slowly creep towards 4pm. No big plans for tonight, after work I am heading to Urban Outfitters to buy a really cool old school camera for G’s brother--check it out Perhaps looking at spending some birthday money on hipping up my wardrobe and then home to watch more episodes of Californication. I have been up at 7 every day this week to open up at work (must be in by 8) I don’t know why, but it appears that there is a correlation between how late I go to bed and how early I get up…it never appears to work in my favour. Last night I recall seeing 12:34am as I was getting into bed. I always have the greatest intentions of early to bed when it is early to rise, but the night seems to creep away from me…it can go from dinner time to bed time in the blink of an eye. We recently got cable which I think might be leading to my downfall in losing the night. Who knew the Showtime/HBO yielded so many gems? I have been doing a lot better about working out and going out in the evenings but I really need to figure out how to maintain the right balance of domesticity, fun social life, and hobbies. Last weekend we spent a lot of time doing laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning our apartment. My mum used to always tell me “Maintenance…that is how you keep things all clean etc so you don’t have to spend as much time cleaning and organizing” (I have always been notorious for having a messy room) I have begun to realize that having a dishwasher one day will really aid in that…or maybe I can just stop being lazy and do dishes right after dinner. One meal worth of dishes just destroys the motif of a tiny kitchen.

I used my birthday money to buy a Holga as well (hence the idea to buy one for G’s bro). I got my first set of prints back yesterday afternoon on my way home from work. They are square, and not totally what I was expecting, but I am super excited to take more pics and learn to use it better. I need to get a scanner so I can get them online. It is an amazing feeling, one I had long forgotten…the anticipation of getting photos back. I must say that I LOVE the instant gratification of digital pics, and the ability to make sure that you captured the moment…but the pure joy of picking up photos and going through the envelope high hopes of neat photos, is amazing. It reminded me of the era of the mixed tape. I used to sit listening to the Top 7 at 7 with my finger poised over the record button, hoping that the song I liked would be played so I could tape it… if I wasn’t fast enough to stop the recording in time I would have the voice of the DJ on the end. Tarzan Dan likely should receive royalties from me.
Me again

Last night I was in a funk. No decisive reason really. I think it was cause I was trying to find a jean skirt with no luck (which sounds like a lame reason to fall into a bad mood but I am sometimes just lame) All the ones I found were absolutely TINY. I am not a prude by any means, but holy crap I can’t imagine wearing a skirt that barely covers my ass. They were like large belts. And now I sound like a mum. But it was somewhat frustrating and the fact that there were so many people at the mall as well, just a bad all around combo. But when I got home I just lost all inspiration to do anything. I lay on the couch and just watched TV all night. When I have those moments of feeling down, I can almost sense a gravitational pull to the nearest object on which I could sit or lay. I kept trying to get up to do dishes or take some night photos or something, but I just couldn’t get it together. I know that had I pushed myself more I could have, but I just got somewhat complacent with being horizontal. I get so frustrated with the waste of time. Today I am feeling better and wishing that I had actually got around to doing something last night, actually publishing to my G.D blog, or doing more tidying or organizing or cleaning…or working on my photography or my writing. I hate that I cant bring myself to focus sometimes.

I wrote G a poem about spooning yesterday…I feel so creative while at work, like I want to start doing short stories again, or something but then I get home, where I have the time and space to do these things and I just seemed to lose it. I think I am a bit overwhelmed with all the possibility for myself and my life at the moment. There are some family situations that have arisen (health wise) for my mum and my grandfather that seem to compound things. It is weird what a good nights sleep can do though, all does tend to see darkest before the dawn. I just don’t want to waste any more of my life with nothingness. So much of my time spent in Philly was heartbreaking loneliness even within my marriage (especially within my marriage) I was incredibly depressed and did nothing. I am 28, I have a lot of life left to live and I want to get out there and start doing stuff. Laughing, living loving. Listening to records and drinking wine. Reading books that I love, reading books I hate, being able to put away those books I hate and search for more books I love. Being with my family, learning how to take the photos I dream of. I think that there are SO many things that I want to be and that I want to do…what is it that I am scared of? I used to write lists, lists of everything maybe I need to start doing that again to keep me focused.
Long weekend

I met G’s dad yesterday. We went to the cottage he was staying at on our way back down to the city. I have heard about him since we have been dating, but as he lives up in North Bay I just haven’t met him yet. I am happy that it went well, cause as the total neurotic I am, I was worried he wouldn’t like me. Ended up ok. This might sound strange and I am not totally sure how to word this, but he reminded me of all the things I miss about my estranged father. He had that familiar look about him, the tanned, lined face. I can’t totally put my finger on it, but it was somewhat comforting. He obviously isn’t like my father in that it wasn’t awkward hanging out with him, and he isn’t an alcoholic, but there was just something there…I enjoyed watching him speak, perhaps it was some mannerisms that they share.

It was a long weekend, but as per usual didn’t seem all that long. My Grandpa is in the hospital, so there was some visiting that went on. My Dad died in that hospital so the smells in there just bring back a really bad time for our family. The skin cancer that G’pa is dealing with has come out as a large lump on the side of his neck, he is to start radiation tomorrow in Toronto, so my Mum will be driving him down to the city and getting him situated. He is 86 so it isn’t like I am expecting this to make him start doing cartwheels again, but just seeing him so pale and helpless was difficult. He has been a strong figure in my life that thinking about that being taken away is hard. I do know that no matter what happens I have been so lucky to have him in my life for so long and for having the opportunity to spend all this time with him this past year.

The rest of the weekend was spent with G, we went for a late night sauna and then a swim in the bay under the stars. Very cold and yet very romantic. We went for a hike, and did some strength training/weekend bikini death camp, and took lots of pics. It was nice to be up north and have an extended weekend. My mum and I managed to spend some time in her basement going through our piles of scrapbooking stuff and getting rid of cheesy papers and stickers we would never actually use. It feel so good to get things organized.

Along with the organizing vein my friend Melissa, who is learning how to be a life coach, was practicing on my via email on Fri and today. We established that I worry about not having much peace in my life at the moment because of my lack of organization. So I have started making lists of things I need to be doing to get my life more organized. Then we look at each one and break it down further so that it doesn’t seem like an insurmountable task. The areas I need to figure out are job, apartment and life. For job, the tasks I need to do for now, are to update my resume so I can make sure I have employment in the fall, start looking out for volunteer opportunities, start examining areas I may want to work in. Apartment…I need to make lists of the things I think I need to get my apartment more organized: a shoe rack, a butcher block…making sure to do the dishes before bed and not let everything pile up. Life wise I need to make lists of things I want to accomplish in my days, to figure out what I am going to wear to work the night before to avoid last minute scrambles, to plan meals ahead of time, to schedule in my exercise times, make lunches the night before and keep my surroundings somewhat clean. This all seems so obvious I am sure, but I really need to give these things a go and not succumb to my laziness and maybe I can make some real changes.

Friday, July 4, 2008

The time does fly (a.k.a catching up)

Wow. So it has been almost two months. It is funny, when I don't post I think about it all the time. Things happen in my life, even funny random little things that I want to be sharing, but then I forget and time marches on and then it's been two months....(in my defense we currently have very sporadic access to le internet)

Lots of Big News:

1) I moved to the city. Yay Toronto. I was temporarily staying with G$ (the boyfriend) however (more big news) last week he asked me to move in with him! As in cease looking for another apartment and stay here...he even suggested I move all my shoes in. This must be love.

2) To go along with #1, I got a job! Not a dream job, but it is better than the stress and perpetual brokeness of unemployment. The people I work with are nice, the company itself is really great to their employees and the work is interesting. I have been there on a contract basis since May 16th, but today my boss told me that it was very likely that they were going to offer me a full time placement in August, also awesome as this affords me some luxuries...such as hopefully more $$$ and benefits. hurrah.

3) I have joined a goal based group lead by my friend Tall Glass of water (if I can remember how to insert link I will do so asap) We are meeting on a bi-weekly basis to discuss our goals and to make plans of action how to attack them. This I LOVE as our first meeting was yesterday and today I feel super kick ass as I have already conquered several of my tasks for our next meeting. yay me.

4) I have developed some career focus. This fall I am going to be taking some college courses for a certificate in psychology. I have decided I want to be a couples counselor or a sex therapist. Thoughts?

5) My birthday is in 8 days. I will be 28. Occasionally that terrifies me as I still feel about 19, but on the whole I am happy about it.

6) The biggest news of all is the one I have been avoiding through the 5 other notes. Last month my mum was diagnosed with Lymphoma (cancer of the lymph nodes) The doctors gave it a primary staging as Stage 1, but she is going for a bone marrow test and an MRI etc just to be sure. When I think about this too much it feels like my stomach moves into my throat and that I may lose consciousness. I am trying so hard to remain positive and strong, but realizing how much the security of her presence grounds me is outstanding. After losing my Dad the thought of being an orphan at 28 overwhelms me. I know that it is kind of nuts to start panicking about things that are so abstract I can barely comprehend them....but that is how I roll.

I miss blogging. In fact this was added on my goal sheet. To blog more. I think I was worried that G$ will come across it...with my old blog, when my ex started reading it it really took some of the joy away from me. I felt I had to censor myself and that is not something that I want to do here. This is an outlet, it is for me and me alone, so I choose not to let him know I do it, and I will just be better about doing it when I have some alone time.---not being able to blog at work has been a new form of torture for me.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to the woman who has given me so much. The confidence to know I can be whom ever I want to be, my love of cooking, reading, drinking wine. The ability to laugh at myself and to be kind to others. You raised me to be respectful of myself and to always remember the importance of family. To cherish my friends and those special moments. I would not be the person I am if it wasn't for you.
Love you always,

Thursday, May 1, 2008


Lately I have been a pro. A pro at leaving everything to the last minute...a "pro"crastinator if you will. I think it is a personality flaw that I like to be somewhat lazy and leave things to the last minute and then go bat-shit insane when deadlines are all coming up at once. I need to work on making more positive changes.
This one may or may not have come about from an offhand comment from G. When he was leaving the house the other day after drinks with the family, he told my mum that I was really organzied. No one has ever told me that before in my life, and to be honest I kind of liked it. I guess to him I am organzied in some way..the girl vs guy way. I remind him to pack running shoes, to confirm he has his wallet, keys etc. I guess he sees that as organized. I think it's odd that I view this compliment as a challenge.
So...away I go! I am throwing a bridal shower this coming weekend with two other bridesmaids, and for the first time in who knows how long I have everything all ready. No last minute errands to lose my mind over, no freaking out and no insanity! I have everything all packed and ready in bins and bags by the door. I will be able to relax in the morning, tidy the house and take my Nan out to get some groceries...I will still have time to take a leisurely shower, pick out what I will be bringing down with me, and take a calm drive down to Toronto, knowing I will arrive with all I need. It's a refreshing feeling.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Dumpy Day Diva (with pics)

I was starting off wanting to write about being really depressed today. About not being able to find a job and about realizing that my credit card payment was supposed to be yesterday and not tomorrow...and while I was all about hitting the minimum now I will have to deal with...about feeling like I am stuck treading water and not able to move forward with my life...about just feeling totally lost about what I want to do and what should happen with my life.

BUT...instead I am choosing to write about my trip, to not be the dumpy day diva that I thought I was going to be. I started looking at pics from my trip to post up here and I realized that all really isnt lost. I just had an adventure. With a boy that I really like. So I guess things could be a lot worse right?

We flew out to Vancouver separately due to booking issues and met up Friday afternoon. We stayed with his parents and headed out on Saturday. Saturday night we stayed in Whistler, Sunday we stayed in Lake Louise, Monday Banff, Tuesday Calgary, Wednesday Regina, Thursday Winnipeg, Friday Terrance Bay (just past Thunder Bay) and then Saturday we did a 13 hour tour and made it home. We ate a lot of junk food, sang lots of tunes, I was corrected on many many hip hop lyrics, we made out in every province, and chatted. To be super girlie, I feel like we really got to know each other a bit better...we didn't even really pull out the indepth "getting to know you" conversations, but we spent 8 full days together, 50+ hours being confined in a vehicle. So for two people who have mostly spent time on weekends together, I think that this was good for us.

--Here we are pretending to hate each other
at the Ontario sign. Little did I know it was still about 18 hours home from that sign! Ontario is a GIANT province...we were still about 6 hours from Thunder Bay at this point. We had joked about hating each other by the the time we got to the middle of the country and since that didn't happen we thought it would be good to seem like we hated each other once we got back home.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

In-dia Mood For Love

Getting ready to fly to Vancouver. My Nanny took the two of us out for pedicures today and I got the aptly named 'In-dia mood for love' pink for my toes. While I can definitely say I am not in love with G I could say that I am well on my way...I am curious to see how the week together in close quarters goes. Full update when I get back.

Monday, April 14, 2008

My new Boots

Since I am trying to be oh so healthy, my mum bought me some new rain boots for Easter instead of chocolate. When we were at the Scrapbooking shop I came across this paper which matched my boots perfectly and really inspired a page.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

I've missed the blogging world

Hello world...I have returned from beneath the rock where I was hibernating/licking my wounds. It has been a long. dark, Canadian winter and I am finally feeling more like doing things I enjoy once again. Also...due to the fact that I have had about 11 email addresses and password combinations in the past few years, I couldn't remember how to log back in. I spent a frustrated hour last week trying to get into Blogger and yet it wouldn't let me in! The email address I used when I was married no longer exists so I was afraid the password was being sent to it. Ok, so pointless drivel but nonetheless...I AM BACK!
So, the super quick update and I will provide more hilarity and life-affirming details as time goes by:
  • Still separated. Ex decided to go for one more awesome power play and has claimed to be "too busy to deal with our divorce" (it actually just involves signing papers, but he is a giant idiot so what do I expect) He claims that we can talk about it again in 2009...when he is less busy. Honestly? I am not about to get married again so I don't really need to be divorced, it just bugs me that he goes in for the power trip once again. Am also a bit nervous he is waiting to see if I get a job so he can go after me for support. urgh
  • Am unemployed. ha. I worked at a ski club for the winter and it recently ended (for obvious reasons) I am looking to move to Toronto so I have been job hunting for a little while but nothing has come up. Thankfully I live at home at the moment so I dont have eviction notices being nailed to my door, but this is the first time in ages that I haven't worked. It's somewhat humbling to be honest...
  • Have taken up scrapbooking again. For a while there it was overwhelming me (silly to be overwhelmed by a craft? oh yes) But now it is something I look forward to which is great! I have been taking photos again and really feeling a lot more like myself
  • Been dating someone. Not sure how serious it is, I am pretty crazy about him, but trying to just be chill about it. He is friends with my brother, motivated, handsome, hilarious, dead sexy, and the best big spoon ever. It's grand
  • Am flying out west to Vancouver on Thursday and then driving an SUV home with said 'someone' Relationship maker or breaker? I think so! Also, pretty excited cause I have never seen that part of Canada really and i am quite excited to check it out. Will have heaps of pics to post when I get back.

Ok, so there is the quick update. I am going to spend some time trying to pimp out my blog a bit cause I hate how boring it looks at the moment. Then family dinner. Mum and I made Lamb tonight, will post the recipe if it works out.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008



I have had lofty aspirations of being single. I have been so excited to move on, to not be living at home and to get to have the solitude I desire. I've been housesitting since Sunday and I have had a lot of alone time. I don't really know why I crave it so much cause when it is silent I feel lonely. I hate that...I really do. I keep being told that I need to learn to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else. Or be happy in my life. And I can throw the word 'happy' around a ton. yeesh. I don't know what I am scared of in the quiet. I think I should relish this time that I can be alone. But I think I get depressed. Just me and the giant dog I am taking care of...and all I can think about is the boy I am crazy for. I doubt that is the point of inner reflection; to be counting down til I see him again and can smooch him. oh man.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Day Off

I have been working a lot over Christmas but now I finally feel back to reality. It is so easy to get into that holiday season time warp where days pass in strange manners and none of your usual routines hold up. We had my brothers girlfriend visiting us from the UK for three weeks and while she is an awesome girl, it was just one more person in our already over crowded household. Yesterday Mum and I drove down to Toronto and took her to the airport. It was so hard to see how crushed my brother was to have to say goodbye again. They were living together in Australia and have since been apart for a year now, they have visited twice, but I think each time is harder to let go.
The drive to Toronto wasn't that bad and on the way home we stopped at a Chapters and freaked out and bought about $100 worth of books. I try so hard to save money but there is something about a giant bookstore that makes me lose my mind. My Mum is the same way so I guess we are a bad shopping combo. Living in a small town makes things like Chapters quite the big deal!
We have had insane weather (warm and tons of rain) lately so all the snow is gone. It feels like March and not so much like January. This morning was garbage/recycling pick up and much to our dismay, the wind blew everything all over our street. We had to run outside about 4 times to try to weight things down or else to pick up what the bin had dumped all over our front lawn. Mum and I sat with our coffees in the front room and narrated the adventures of our neighbours as they did the same thing. The mad pajama dash to grab ones garbage can lid is quite the sight at 8am. I'm just sitting at my kitchen table at the moment watching the hedge in our backyard bend like crazy...and I love that this is my day off and it's 11am and I have accomplished nothing. I think I will be doing some fun errands today like taking empties back to the beer store, picking up dry cleaning and hitting the grocery store. The usual mundane stuff that seems to get pushed aside with all the craziness lately.
I have to get my New Year Resolutions together and posted so we can laugh about them together!

Monday, January 7, 2008

Hey Echo is wondering...

How someone could possibly find watching 'Frasier' motivation at the gym. what a strange strange guy.