Not a high point for me

:::
Today I got called into the financial services office at school to discuss my next OSAP application. All was going well until I mentioned that G and I had bought a truck. It is essentially his truck however my name is on it since I have a good insurance record and so our rates would be lower. Apparently OSAP looks down on students owning vehicles and so it would seem I will go from getting the max (as I did for this year) to getting around $4,000 which won’t even come close to covering my tuition. So the guy’s big tip for me was to a) sell my truck or b) figure out some other way in which to get tons of money.

While stripping was the first thing that came to mind, it isn’t exactly a viable life choice for me in all honesty. And G needs the truck for work so it’s not like selling it is another option.

He was talking figures and not seeming to comprehend that I am living pretty basically at the moment he sussed it out that with interest relief on my loan, the penalty of me having this vehicle will add up to me missing out on 15,000 essentially. This is where I thought I was going to blackout, but instead I started to cry in the financial aid office. I felt like the biggest loser. It was one of those cries where you feel it coming, do what you can to hold it back but those hot tears come bursting out no matter how hard you will it stop. 

It always seems to happen just as I think I have a handle on things that something else pops up and bites me in the ass. I just don’t know what the best plan of attack here is. OBVIOUSLY I would love an extra $15,000 that I don’t have to pay back in 2 years, however I currently don’t know if I have the money to pay all the extra in insurance each month it will cost if I am not listed as an owner.

Bring a grownup sucks sometimes, yet do I even count as a grownup if I literally cry in grownup situations?

Hope Springs Eternal

:::

It is a gorgeous day in Toronto. A no coat needed, tempted to break out my birkenstocks kind of day. G and I are driving up north later on this afternoon and I just can't wait to have the windows down in the truck while we cruise.

I feel as though these days that promise that summer is on it's way really do cause such joy in me. I am feeling more lifted than I have in ages and it is such a needed emotion. I think that I really do get affected by the dumpy Ontario winters and the stress that this past season brought along with it. I am trying to focus on the future life wise as well as season wise and get through it bit by bit.

I am not sure why, but lately I have felt so much more in love with G. I get giddy when we are together and I actually miss him when we are apart. Almost pathetic as sometimes we are only apart for 8 hours while we are in classes. I think that sometimes I feel as if this relationship can't be real. Surely I do not deserve to be this happy. Why is that? I guess cause I used to date total assholes and I just don't realize if I made better choices when I was younger, I would have been happy then too. It's just that as we move further and further into our relationship, meshing our lives and our personal effects into one, I panic at how easily it could all disappear. I think once realizing that I can actually be this happy in myself and in a relationship, I see just how much I have to lose. Part of me wants to hold back, just a little so that if things don't work out I would have some shred of self left, but I just don't know how. And it is literally ridiculous writing this as I know he is just as batshit crazy for me as I am for him, but years of self doubt are hard to break free from.