Useless powers

Watching a movie where Nick Cage can see 2 minutes into the future. I feel cynical but isn't that a mostly useless super power? I mean I guess it could be helpful but seems a bit silly to me



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Daily Grace

::::

1. Muppets Christmas carol
2. Cedar Saunas
3. Being Done Christmas shopping
4. Secret Santa
5.today being last day of work til January 4th!!!!! -although also kind of stressful as am not getting paid while my work is closed.
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Uncultured lout

:::

Last night G and I went out with my friends from school. A dinner/movie celebration of being done school. We went to the 630 showing of Black Swan-not my choice. Throughout the whole movie G and I kept making fake barf faces at each other during the gross parts(yes we are mature like that) and pretty much just waited for it to end. I hated it. I would have rather saved the $12.50 each and sat home watching something, no anything else. It wasn't scary, but it was gross in parts and just too much wtfness for one movie. When it ended we began to discuss and it seems only G and I hated it. The other three thought it was the best movie they had seen in ages blah blah blah. I felt like maybe I was missing something, that perhaps I passed out for some monumental moment in the movie. I predicted the end due to my movie/TV psychic abilities, but it wasn't just that. Definitely something was missing for me. SO glad it was missing for G too as we chatted about it the whole way home. I read some reviews this morning and it would seem that everyone loved it. And I'm left feeling that perhaps I am not as arty as I think I am. Would much rather have seen Tangled and then met the group at dinner! Next up for G and I is the fighter and love and other drugs-bet you can't guess who is picking which movie!




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Crap

:::
I had a few beers tonight and ended up in a candid conversation about my mother in law (to be) with my brother in law (to be). Not totally sure how that started but I am pretty confident it will not end in an "hilarity will ensue" type of situation. He clearly didn't understand what I meant nor does he really get it because he lives about 25 hours away so he isn't privy to the situation. However when does a girl learn to keep her flipping mouth shut? Cause clearly 30 isn't the age. Nor is 3+ years of experience in this family.....nuclear fall out in T minus........keep you posted
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Daily Grace

:::

1. Christmas cookies
2. Being 1 assignment away from finishing school
3. Free breakfast at work
4. Cheap champagne to randomly drink on a thursday night.
5. Seeing a good friend tonight who is home from Ireland for Christmas
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Oooh the lethargy

It has struck with a vengance. I still have to assemble all my research from my final project but instead I spent last night drinking cheap champagne from when we got engaged. What? We ran out of beer!..... I feel that my love of booze comes across quite well in that sentence no?
We had our friend Derek over and the boys made me watch 2012. I hate HATE apocalyptic themed movies. Mostly because in movies like that I get all antsy concerned that Toronto is going to slide into Lake Ontario. I do not want to go to a watery grave-ever preferably, but at least not until I've done a few more things with my life.
So the G and Derek spent the whole movie teasing me about being a mega nerd and a super baby. I also detest scary movies so perhaps they are partially right. I've never been able to watch scary movies. I know several friends who LOVE the feeling of being scared. Me? Not so much. I spent the whole time I was at a haunted house this past Halloween buried in my friends chest freaking out a la Marge Simpson "get me out, get me out get me OUT!"
Is it so wrong that I would have rather spend the night watching something funny? Or cheesy? Granted 2012 was kind of Armageddon-ish, not so terrifying, but I get too emphatic and think about all those poor people who died.
Nerd.
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Aaaand Done

::::

The day I have been anxiously dreading for ages has come and gone! I somehow managed to get my project finished and presented and now that looming cloud of a project is over!
It feels so good to know its over and to know that it was well received. G came today to watch the presentations which made me a bit nervous but at the same time it was so nice to have my own personal cheering section.
2 more small projects and my thesis binder are what I have left and then I am free as a bird!
This weekend G and I are taking my mum to see The Good Lovelies as her Christmas present and I really feel that that will start the holiday count down for me.
Finishing school sure puts me in the Christmas mood!


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Its the final countdown

:::

At 1130 I will be presenting my final thesis project. Last night I practiced what I was going to say to G, which almost made me more nervous hahaha. I'm up writing out what I want to say and hoping that I can get out all the important facts before I pass out from fright. I have never been a fan of presenting or general chatting in public. Not sure why, but when I signed up for design school I didn't realize that it would revolve around presenting. Duh.
I know that in a few short hours it will be over and I will look back at myself this morning and think I wasted too much energy on worrying. However that is how I operate.
Am off to practice again. Wish me luck



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Scammed

:::

Bought a mixer pack of delicious teas at Winners. Thought it would be a nice treat for the 16 hour days at school this week-they all taste suspiciously of Chai. Boo
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To do in January....

:::

Am inspired thanks to my good friend Bee vs 30 to start making some more lists:
Forever things have been put off "until January when I am done school"... so perhaps I should make a list of what must be done..

1. Clean the apartment--my side of the bed is carpeted in clothes, both dirty and clean. It will almost be like getting new clothes as I am embarrassed to admit some of them have been there for a few weeks.
2. Make an appointment with a naturopath to finally figure out what it is I am allergic to so I don't feel sick every time I eat
3. Organize my school stuff--I can actually throw out and recycle a pile of stuff now--no longer shall our headboard be piles of foamcore stacked behind the bed.
4. Make a plan to start exercising--this might actually be the most difficult part of January. I am a somewhat lethargic person by nature but am really wanting to get back into shape...a non blobby shape
5. Start planning my wedding (*head explodes with glee)
6. Get on the Til Debt Do Us Part budget sheet and get G and I on a SAVING PLAN (and a debt repayment one as my student loan starts getting repaid in June barf)
7. Make plans and see the friends I have been neglecting for the last 2 + years
8. Take a class and learn how to make my camera work on the manual setting--I have been using the automatic setting for about 5 years now and its really time to figure this out
****I know that I have about 150 other things I have been saying "Oh I will do in January" so beware the list may grow*****

Short term memory loss

:::

On mornings where I'm tired or perhaps day dreaming in the shower I literally cannot remember if I have already rinsed my hair..... And some times if I put conditioner in it yet or not. So I wonder if I have a memory issue..... Because really how can one forget that in literally 2 minutes!
Also-the countdown for final presentation is T minus 5 days.....I'm giving up on wearing real pants until then its leggings and lulus all the way
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Aww mornings

:::

Lately G and I have developed a bit of a routine on the mornings he has to get up before me. He gets out of bed to shower and I roll over to his recently vacated spot. (I'm not too sure how we picked spots when we first started sharing a bed, but I think I must have compromised as I love his side of the bed!) Then as he is leaving I call out a reminder of all the things he needs to remember to take with him. There have been several occasions where he comes flying back in for keys to the garage, his phone wallet etc, so I am trying to save one step in the process. And I feel guilty but I love that I can snooze a bit longer while he has already started his day. I feel like I should be getting up and making us breakfast or coffee but it doesn't happen just yet. Come January we will be leaving the house at the same time in the mornings and I will miss my stolen moments on his side of the bed knowing he has to go brave the cold before me.


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Daily Grace

::::

1. Franks Red Hot Sauce on pizza
2. Waking up feeling refreshed this morning
3. Finishing an assignment 2 weeks early so I can concentrate on my thesis
4. Having subway tokens so I don't have to further rob my piggy bank.
5. Christmas cards arriving in the mail -eek I better get on mine!
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Definitely winter

:::
It comes every year but somehow that first day of utter crazy freezing that is Ontario winter seems to take me by surprise. I did bring gloves this morning, but it is time to break out the big jacket with a hood as well as hats and more scarves! On my way back to the office from lunch I had to tie a scarf around my head granny style. BRRR.
Today has been one of those days at work where it seems to last forever. Its only 2ish but I feel like its bedtime. This weekend I am moving in with my friend Alaleh and we are doing homework from tonight until sunday night, possibly Monday morning. Soooo I don't even have the sweet relaxing feeling of weekend to look forward to. Although, for sure getting another big dent in my work will make me feel good!
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To do list

:::
There are many MANY things I have been putting off since I have been in school. Things I keep saying "when I'm done school I shall...." and I think I better start thinking about what they are and making a list, so I can get the satisfaction of crossing them off my list once they are completed. Some of them are pretty average boring things like, call a naturopath and get to the bottom of my food allergies. Yet others I think I will be racing to do as they are more fun-sign up for a class so I can learn how to use my digital SLR better (aka not on the automatic setting!) I have managed to find all kinds of time over the past two years to do homework, so I'm sure I can fit in all the odds and ends of things I want and have to do.
It is finally super freezing in Toronto, and I feel unprepared. My big winter jacket is north at my mums so I have layered up like crazy for the commute this morning. Which is great while outdoors but am currently fighting off sweating on the subway. The at work coffee is greatly anticipated today
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Today is all about

:::

I played hooky from work today, I have been feeling not-so-healthy this week.  I spent the day on the couch doing homework and taking it easy.  I also took a lot of breaks to do things like watch Food Network and read some of my fave foodie blogs--which I shall be adding to my sidebar shortly.  I think I am going to add cooking and baking to my happiness project for January.  I LOVE making food that G or other friends and family love.  I enjoy feeling prepared meal wise for the week, and it would be nice to step outside my comfort zone in the coming months and add more to my repertoire.

School is on a countdown--T-minus three weeks until school is done.  I have an insane amount of project assembly until that time, but I think it will just make me enjoy Christmas that much more. I know that I will really miss this stage in my life once it is over, but as of late I have just felt creatively exhausted.  It seems insane, but being in school and having to be "on" creativity wise can sometimes be too much.  All my classmates and I are frazzled and trying to tie up all the loose ends with our thesis projects while we figure out moving on.  I know I am lucky because my job shuts down for 2 weeks over the holidays and then starts up again on January 4th (maybe 3rd? I will have to check oops!)  My contract only goes until May, but I am very thankful that I don't have to panic about a job.  I hope to spend some time in January snazzing up my resume and reprinting my portfolio with my latest projects in them.  Its both freeing and terrifying to think that I don't know what I will be doing 6 months from now.  School was the only thing on the horizon for the past 2+ years, and that dictated what I was doing and where G and I were living.

We would both be really happy to move out of the city, but it all boils down to us being where the jobs are.  

But no matter where we are living I(we ;) ) get to start planning the wedding after Christmas (OMG *head explodes with happiness)

Daily Grace and a prayer

:::
1. Christmas plans
2. Ice cream and espresso
3. Lululemon pants
4. New eyeliner
5. Snooze button!

So, G's mom has been involved in a court case that has finally gone to court this week. It has been 2 plus years of her trying to get this dealt with and unfortunately it had to come to this point. I don't want to get into details, but I just need to throw out some good vibes into the blogosphere that this goes in her favour and wraps up this week. The whole family needs to be able to move on and it will really make our lives less difficult if this can end with a fair resolution
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Daily Grace

:::
1. Home made pasta
2. Engagement talks
3. Secretly planning my wedding, don't tell g I told him I would wait til January!
4. Harry Potter 7
5. Surprise birthday parties for friends!
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Daily Grace

::::
1. Its friday and the morning at work flew by
2. I met a friend for a homework date last night and now I better understand estimating and budgeting for interior design!
3. Vanilla Rooibus tea
4. Surprise birthday party for a great friend Saturday night
5. Starbucks date with my good friend Melissa and her daughter Lexi tomorrow morning!

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Daily Grace

:::

1. The bus was waiting when I got off the subway this morning.
2. No longer waiting to start happiness project! My friend Liz and I are already making changes
3. I didn't have dessert last night so didn't feel stuffed and gross after dinner
4. Got some homework done on my lunch hour
5. Homework date tonight after work!



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Daily grace

:::

1. No line at Tim Hortons
2. An amazing night sleep
3. Its 7:44am and I have already laughed twice
4. Homemade dinner someone else made last night.
5. Harry Potter in a few sleeps





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Daily grace

:::

1. Frosty breath in the morning 2. G remembering a card for our anniversary (with only a mild reminder!)
3. Boardwalk empire
4. Early to bed
5. Slow cooker meals
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Daily Grace

:::

1. Having one more "snooze button" reprieve
2. Tim hortons bagel on the way to work
3. New boots for $40
4. Finding friends who want to happiness project with me
5. Knowing that Not So Wise's husband will be moving back home shortly!
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Daily Grace

:::

1. Scarf weather
2. Gorgeous weather for Remembrance Day.
3. The work day passing quickly
4. Leftovers for lunch
5. G working nearby so he could drop off my contacts this morning-couldnt figure out why I couldn't see this morning!
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My Happiness Project

:::

I just started reading The Happiness Project (which has a blog www.happiness-project.com). And I should probably mention that it is my new obsession. This happens to me somewhat frequently, I find something I love, obsess about it til I sound like a crazy person, and then I fall in love with something else...However, I just simply love LOVE this book, and just the concept as a whole. I supposed I didnt have to read the book to get the idea, )but I didn't buy it I borrowed it from a friend so it also counts towards my saving money plans so it is twofold awesome). And it is actually quite an obvious concept--the author spent a year making changes towards making herself and her life a happier one. She tackled a few items a month and recorded how the may or may not work towards making her life better. Granted I am only on February in her year so far, but it just really got me interested. I want to be happy!(happier) Perhaps I should also go for a happiness project, because, I do love a project, and what with school being over in just over a month (omfg) I may need a project to occupy what I think will seem to be countless hours of spare/free/not interior design studying related time!

I haven't nailed down all the details as of yet, one of which being I need to get a friend or two to do this with me as I tend to be better at things when I am being accountable to someone! And the other would be what specific things I will be working on to achieve said "happierness"
Grand scheme things I think I must focus on are: Finances, Relationships, Motivation/Attitude, and Health. Big project kick off shall be in January and by then I will have a list of what specifically each part shall entail, but for now as I have been a bit stressed out as of late I shall focus a bit on Attitude: Daily Grace every day should help!?

1. Walking through fallen leaves
2. My gorgeous new day planner
3. Having had a car for the past two weeks
4. Crossing things off to do lists (two today!!!)
5. Sense of Accomplishment at work and school!

Moving forward

:::
I have always been the type of person who regularly fears change. There have been many times in my life where I have prayed that things would just stay the same so I could savour the moment that much longer. After I left the States and moved back to Canada, I lived with my mum and that first summer my brothers were both living at home too. It was a strange moment to be back together, just the four of us. It seemed like it had always been the four of us, then Garry and my mum fell in love and we became 5 again. After he passed away it was so strange to go back to 4. Despite the craziness of the summer of 2007, I was so happy. My mum had moved into a smaller house so for a while my bedroom was a bed in the laundry room, but we were all there and I was happy. We hadn't lived in the same house since 1999. I remember mum and I having coffee one morning on the deck talking about how everything would change again soon, the boys and I would move out and move on...and I didn't want to. I wanted to stay in that moment of total security. Once again living as a family and feeling like I didn't have to make any big decisions.
Little did I know that a few months later I would meet back up with G and we would fall in love. Moving to the city together May 2008...
Everything has changed since then and I am ok with it. I love it actually. I am crazy in love, loving my career and looking forward with new goals in mind. And yet...a part of me wants to freeze this time too. We are in love, we don't have anything to worry about but each other, and I am in school. I think that me being in school has been a safety net the past 2 years cause I haven't had to decide anything. Career, where we want to live when I graduate....and now that the end of school is so close, I want to freeze this moment just a little longer so I can stay here where its safe before moving to territories unknown.


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Starvin!

G had to go back to work tonight to let someone into a jobsite...I thought he would only be gone for an hour but its been 2 now. I made dins and wanted to be familyish and wait to eat, but I just couldn't wait any longer! Our schedules are too insane as of late, I look forward to us being on same schedule so we can cook dinner and just have more normal nights!
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Whoops!

::::

I was planning on posting every day in November, but yesterday flew by and so...by day 3 I have already missed a day!
The Toronto Star has been running a series of articles about couples and money- I think that's what spurred my post on Monday! As of right now, G and I have a joint account that we just pay rent from, as well as joint savings. Everything else is separate. It doesn't come down to "you pay for this I will pay for that" at all, but I think once I am working full time in January I can hopefully figure out some sort of budget for us. We both have near insurmountable student loan debt that we hope to somehow combine and pay off in time, but we also want to get into housing market as well as have a wedding. Now realistically I am not even thinking of having anything over the top, but EVERYTHING costs money so even if we DIY like crazy it will still cost us some cash. I feel like I should be responsible and just get married at city hall and go for pizza afterwards, but I just can't bring myself to do that! I want the white dress and late night dance party with my friends and family.
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Cash money millionaire

:::
I have never been all that good with money. Once upon a time I would view each paycheque as containing the precise amount of dollars that I could spend. I tried to save but I really just didn't have the discipline/desire for it. More than once my mum has come to my rescue bailing me out of debt to my eternal thanks and utter embarrassment.
Nowadays I am a better, but I always thought I would end up with someone who was good with a budget and could help me manage my money. No such luck. G is many things, but a money manager he is not. While he doesn't go for my not so effective avoidance technique (if I just avoid checking my bank balance all will be ok), he too sucks at saving and doesn't make the best money choices either.
As we move forward together as a couple I wonder the best way to work that? Perhaps this is the push I need to become better at handling finances because I simply must? However I don't want to be seen as the one who rules our bank account with an iron fist-maybe it is both of us who must work on this?
And I also wonder how other couples handle their finances? We want to have money that is just ours for presents and items we want to buy for ourselves, but we feel and want to have most of our money as joint money for groceries, gas, meals out etc. How do other people do this I would love to know?
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Wanting to be a member of the sleep in club!

:::
Over the past two years I have been in school, I have not had a lot of early morning classes. In fact until last term classes tended to start around 9 or 10, sometimes as late in the day as 5! Before I got my job I would spend my time sleeping in, doing homework and doing stuff around the house. Now that I work 3 days a week I find that I have less time to do other stuff. When I have class after work I tend to get home just exhausted and can't seem to get my act together to get stuff done. I think I can sort it out for when I'm just working, but I find it hard to get myself out of bed every morning! This makes me somewhat nervous for when I have kids, how the heck can I get myself and them ready to face the day?
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Daily Grace

:::
1. Honeycrisp apples
2. Sharpie pencils
3. Good design
4. Halloween costumes
5. Clean apartment
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Daily Grace

:::

1. Home made dinner-someone else is making it
2. Sushi Couture in the Annex
3. Homework party
4. My amazing Tiffany style key necklace from my friend Harrison.
5. Making it out of the haunted houses at wonderland alive



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Daily Grace

:::

1. Rain boots
2. Its not quite winter
3. Brunch date and photos with Jen
4. Feeling a sense of accomplishment with school work
5. Wedding chatter last night over wine



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Where did my get up and go get off to?

:::

It is strange that now as there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel of my schooling, my motivation and creative inspiration has somewhat dried up. Perhaps it is just that being in school 2 years straight has exhausted me? Or that with the chill of Canadian fall I feel like hibernating rather than working? I have approximately 8 weeks left of school and roughly 8 months of work to do in that time. I tend to feel motivated while I'm at work or in class but as soon as I get home all desire to work is squashed. I want to sit on the couch and watch Dexter and go to bed.
Its been a struggle for me to stay on top of things these past few weeks, and I really don't want to let things slide too far or else I will be fighting to get back in the swing of things soon. How do you keep yourself motivated?
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Daily Grace

:::

1. Cool enough weather to wear my new Joe Fresh motorcycle jacket.
2. Live for dinner tonight
3. New coupon websites
4. No class tonight
5. DIY projects found for Christmas!
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Daily Grace

:::

1. Its boots and vest weather
2. Having friends over for drinks and tapas dinner tonight
3. FINALLY having a catch up with Not So Wise
4. Road tripping in the morning for some fall colour viewing
5. Getting to do some real design work today at work!
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If you like it and you want it put a ring on it*

*Title is what G first thought the lyrics to "Single Ladies" were

and on that note.....

I have news! G asked me to marry him last week while we were in Bermuda. G: romantic stuff, down on one knee, ring box(OMG!!!) Me: Frantic "YES" followed by intense tidal wave of tears.

Shortly after followed by us having photoshoot of the ring just about everywhere: drinking beer, in the pool, on the beach, on the scooter. Needless to say it was the most amazing vacation ever. We thought that no one other than our immediate families knew, and that we would have SO many people to tell upon our return. However it turned out that my brother jumped the gun a wee bit posting a congrats on his facebook. As we have MANY many mutual friends, the cat was out of the bag....or the engagement was out of Bermuda or what-have-you. It's funny cause I still sort of feel in shock when I think about it. I wanted this to happen for so long, but I now joke that I just blacked out when he got on his knee. It was more than I could have ever asked for, and being engaged is just really a lovely special time that we are sharing. We are looking at fall 2012 for the wedding, give us some time for me to finish school, and us to both be working and saving a little. Things are just SO different this time--I mostly forget that there was ever another time, this just feels so right.

(Not so) Daily Grace

:::

1. Delicious Thanksgiving dinner(s) with family and friends
2. Light at the end of the tunnel with school
3. The morning commute with G
4. Taco salad leftovers for lunch
5. Skinny jeans
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I wish someone would come to the door with food

:::

It's another one of those weekends full of homework. I tried to get up early to get a head start, but I had to snooze a few times. Last night was late and also homework filled. Am up, perched in the corner of the giant couch....I am craving something horrible for me, like Mcdonald's breakfast. but time is passing and I really need to get a lot of this work done and so instead I sit with homemade coffee and whatever breakfast I can scrounge from the remnants of early week's grocery shop. I think I just want to get out of the apartment so badly so that I don't have to sit and concentrate on this project. Note the early morning blogging.

Once upon a time...

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...late 2005- I had an old Blog. I stopped using it when I moved back to Canada as my ex knew the address and started leaving rude comments on it. Apparently I also had WAY more free time as I used to Blog more often. Yesterday I was taking a break at school (read totally procrastinating on an assignment I'm hating) and I went back to check it out. I haven't looked at it since 2007, so it was kind of interesting to read back through and see a different view of myself in my mid 20s. It was interesting to read entries and realize how I wasn't being honest with the internet...some readers I actually knew and some total strangers...I was so desperately unhappy and struggling, my marriage was not a happy one and I was so lonely, and yet I couldn't really talk about it. I was lying to myself and to my Blog. I alluded to my obvious depression stemming from the loss of my step dad but I couldn't speak freely about my marriage. Perhaps that's why I didn't really tell friends about this Blog. G thinks I may have a Blog but hasn't asked further about it. And one thing I admire about other bloggers is there no filter, the way they just put it all out there. It seems so freeing. Yet at the Same time I worry. I wouldn't want to be responsible for hurting someones feelings-but I think I want to be more honest with myself and with others about stuff in my life. It seems more monumental than blabbing on about inane drivel which is all I contribute to Blogger most times.



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The formerly quiet mornings

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Am up early this morning, was supposed to have class at 9.30, but my teacher emailed early and now its not til 2. So I am up which feels good and about to make some coffee and get some homework done. I usually enjoy early mornings in my apartment. G heads out early to work, so I have the place to myself. Coffee, laptop and breakfast television, perfect combination. Now the city has started doing construction on my street. So at 7am the work crews show up, and from all the way up on my floor all I can hear is hammering, and machinery. I feel bad for anyone living closer to ground level!
I still am glad I am up early and getting stuff done, its just not as quiet and relaxing as it once was! And from what I hear this is going on til 2012! YEESH
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Finals again

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I know I have finals every 13 weeks but somehow they seem to creep up on me and take me by surprise. This past weekend I should have hunkered down and crossed things off my list, but instead I crossed things off my other lists:did laundry, bought new sheets, organized the pile of tupperware that threatens to fall when I open the cupboard. Pretty much anything to avoid having to do school work. This means that this week and coming weekend shall be crazy as I frantically try to get everything accomplished. I was also one of a few students chosen to participate in a student design charette happenning next Thursday, so I have to hand in two assignments a day early so I can compete. Exciting opportunity, but yikes for the time management. As hard as I try to stay on top of things somehow this always happens by week 11, the work left to do does not seem to coincide with the amount of time left in which to do it.
G and I are going away on a surprise trip at the end of October. And the thought of us drinking snazzy drinks on a beach somewhere is getting me through
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Missing you

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I haven't written in ages, a LOT has happened! I turned 30, I got an Intern position, and the summer has flown by! Not sure why I've been MIA, I think sometimes after a prolonged silence one wonders what to start with. So I start with this: summer is almost gone and we are literally busy every weekend until thanksgiving! I don't comprehend how that is possible? Its been like that all summer between work and school and busy weekends, it seems like one day blends into the next and now its so close to September. T minus 1 day! I remember being a kid and summers seemed to stretch out endlessly...
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Daily Grace

1. Enjoying the last few days of my 20s
2. Air Conditioning
3. The awesome sunglasses G got me for my birthday and couldn't wait til the 12th to give me
4. Getting homework done while on lunch at work
5. Pita Pit
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Daily grace

1. Having one presentation left before my week off!
2. A good nights sleep.
3. New episodes of Lie To Me 4. Roof top patio
5. The smell of rain
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Daily grace

1. Reading on the Subway
2. Having coffee in the house and allowing time to make it in the morning.
3. Summer dresses
4. Tru Blood
5. Crossing things off my list
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Tis the season

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For being end of term again! T-minus 5 days til final presentations start. Who has two thumbs and feels remotely ready? *points to self. Not this guy. This term has been a struggle, with moving and all that, but I just don't feel ready for everything to be due. We always get through it but as of late I tend to keep choosing sleep over staying up and working.

In probably a creepy and TMI note, right now I am laying in bed thinking morbid thoughts. A year ago today (the 16th) my Dad didn't wake up in the morning. And I guess its messed up to be thinking this but part of me wonders if he was just sleeping and he slipped away or if he was up and suffering for a while. Girlsgonechild.net posted a song today called Let Go by Everest, and it really made me think. I want to just let this go, but sometimes I don't know how. I have so very many amazing things in my life to focus on but then I get these blips like anniversaries or just thoughts that bring me back to where I see that I haven't let go.
I can't believe its been a year already, I feel that my life was irrevocably changed and I kind of just want it back.
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The big D

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I got an email from my lawyer yesterday...and my divorce, 3 years in the making has finally come through. I was at school and was chatting about it with my friends when another classmate said "I've never heard anyone celebrating a divorce before". That can't possibly be true right? I am sure people have escaped far worse marriages than mine and had cause for celebration!
It really got me thinking though, and that's always good! I think its a bit callous sounding to delight in the complete removal of a person from ones life, but he wasn't a good person, and its best that he is gone. I feel strange today, somehow almost lighter. This has been a weight dragging me down for sometime now, and knowing that this break is final, that he no longer has any power over me feels fantastic.
I do however feel that thanks to this experience my view of relationships and marriage as a whole have changed. Not in a bad way, but just different. Before I think I was so focused on the wedding aspect I think I didn't really contemplate what came after. Forever. That's a looong time. With my ex, I was in a position where things happened extremely fast, and we definitely didn't have time to get to know each other enough first. (obviously as we made the wrong decision) But things with G are different. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, having him tease me about my clumsyness and me rolling my eyes at his inability to be on time. I know enough of him and love all of it, and I look forward to uncovering the parts of him that I don't yet know. I think we will remain in this stage together for a while now, living together and making sure we are really right for each other before we move forward. But I am definitely ready and excited for the next stage in our lives.



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1 year (almost)

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It seems that I am thinking of things in years lately...or there have just been some anniversaries as of late. June 16th will be my best friends 30th birthday, and one year since my Dad died. What a shitty way to always remember the date. I almost feel like he is haunting me lately. I dream of him almost every night. I have dreams of him and our old cottage, I guess they will forever be intertwined in my mind. The dreams are always good, in each one we are just spending time together and I almost feel like I am getting the chance to say goodbye. That we were able to some how wrap up all the crap between us. But then I wake up and remember that we sold our cottage and that he went and died without so much as a whisper about his illness. I guess sometimes I am just still so freaking mad at him, but then other times I am just so sad. I know that death is final but I just really wish that we had had a chance to talk. Why didn't he let us know he was dying? Did he think that I wouldnt forgive him for all the crap that he put us through? And how could he just leave us all behind trying so hard to pick up all the pieces that he left us here with. Never having closure really is just leaves me grasping at straws trying to imagine what he was thinking. And no matter how much he hurt me when I was younger, it kills me just a bit to think that he was scared and alone and dying--with no family around him. I would have come back to him, and I know my brothers would have been there with him too. If not to comfort him, at least to say goodbye.

3 years ago

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3 years ago I moved back to Canada. I was so very unsure of my self and the next steps in my life. I was turning 27, and had felt that I was a lost soul. My mum welcomed me home, enveloping me in her unwavering love and support and her trust in me that I would figure it all out. I decided to get out of my abusive marriage and to start all over again. I remember being so scared and sad and worried that I would never get it together. I can honestly say I never thought I would feel the way I do today. So I am so thankful to my amazing mum for once again picking up the pieces of my self esteem and helping me figure out how to place them back in order
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Thought I would be late...

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Yet even when I am not trying, I arrive early for stuff! I think I dread being late so much that I tend to be too early. I guess it's also because I never drive anymore so my traffic timing radar is off!
I must say having the car these two weeks has been amazing! When mum offered me the car I thought I was more so doing her a favour as she wouldn't have to pay for parking. Yet I have been driving everyday! I miss a car!!! I've been listening to CBC radio every morning so I feel all intellectual and up on my world news. Car goes back Saturday, and I go back to subway reading in the mornings.
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Sun is shining weather is sweet yeah.

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Seems unseasonably hot in Toronto right now. Extreme Heat Watch in the city, May is too early for such nonsense. G and I just bought a mini a/c unit for our new apartment, fans simply do not cut it. We haven't been able to sleep and yesterday I was hanging out in my underware doing homework as it was too hot before 8am! I am thankful for the simple luxuries that are rampant in my life right now. A dishwasher, a car for 2 weeks(only 3 days left, sniff), air conditioning, and a roof over my head. I have been struggling as of late to dig myself out of a funk. I feel sometimes like I just want to wallow in self pity, but then I feel inspired by those around me who seem to shine on no matter what. I strive to be complete like them, thrilled with what my life is and dancing on the horizon of what it is to become.
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Movin' on up

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G and I just finished (at 1030pm last night) our move. *insert heavenly choir of angels here*
It really boggles the mind the amount of stuff that one day seems hard to get rid of, but in the madness that is moving can easily be parted with! We have thrown out or donated literally BAGS of stuff. It makes me wonder why the heck we had it in the first place. My mum was down on the weekend and helped us get a lot of things sorted. Our kitchen is organized and put away thankfully. But as we brought more and more stuff upstairs. The rest of the place looks like a disaster site. We still have a lot to go through, clothes, various papers, random other crap. Our new rule is we only keep it if we love it or if we need it(like tax stuff we keep haha) But I think we both thrive on organization, we just need to stop being lazy and actually keep on top of things. I really love this new place and I want it to be organized and tidy and ours!
In semi related news, my mum left her car at my place for 2 weeks while she is away helping my aunt move(lucky mum, helping with 2 moves back to back) And...I kinda don't want to give it back! I had the truck for a few weeks last summer while G was in thunder bay for work, but generally I don't drive any more. I have been delighting in the feeling of independence of just driving to work, heading to the grocery store or whathave you. I am extremely lucky most of the time in that my friend Har who I go to school with/spend every waking minute with, drives me around. He will frequently need groceries as well after class or what have you. I am well aware that the TTC is a wonderful way to get around, but the comfort and security of a car is incomparable!
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Our lady of perpetual exhaustion

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Working, school, and internship. I also took a design job outside of that and am babysitting for extra cash. I'm beat! I think it will give me some motivation to get work done when I can, and maybe relish my down time a lot more. However am trying to enjoy downtime by reading in bed, but it seems one of my neighbours is having some kind of musical interlude in their apartment. Can hear guitar and vocals, just can't tell from which apartment. Not to sound like a grandma, but its after 11 people, shut it!
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And on and on

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Work has been going pretty well. I forgot how exhausting retail can be, a students life tends to not have me on my feet for 8 hours at a time! But I'm feeling good that I am bringing in even a little bit of money at the moment. I had to buy a pair of shoes as they want us to wear shoes from the store, but I have managed to keep it to one pair! I do have my eyes on a few others but I keep reminding myself that I really do have all I need. I tend to wear my silver birks almost everywhere anyway haha. Things keep going back and forth between looking up and then freaking us out. We got a pretty good tax return, but it all has to go to bills etc so its not really fun. However, we should be thankful some extra cash came our way for such a thing! G and I discuss sometimes how it feels like we are standing in a very deep hole. As we slowly start digging out of it something caves in and we are back where we started. We both have large student loans and its easy to get bogged down with just how long it will take to pay back. Yesterday he made mention of how he feels overwhelmed just trying to pay his own way right now he can't imagine what it will be like trying to afford to have a baby. (*sidenote yay he thinks about babies now!) but it is true, when you're in the middle of it it's hard to see how one day it will be different. School is over in December and then I can start working and making more than minimum wage and we can hopefully start seeing the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel
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Reflecting at Timmies

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Am sitting at a Tim Hortons in Brampton waiting for G to come pick me up. Looking out the window I can see a group of about 5 teenagers. Smoking and preening, saying something and looking to the others for approval before they start to laugh again. I remember those days really well, wanting to fit in, and loitering with my friends. Did we really have nothing better to do than drink coffee after coffee and smoke? I feel that it was barely last year I was in highschool but with 30 on the horizon this summer, it was 11 years ago that I was a teenager. It feels strange that I still easily recognize that part of me. That I could go outside and bum a smoke from those kids feeling like I can still identify when really I am so far removed. Another lifetime away really
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Perfection

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My best friend had a baby on Wednesday morning and I am in love. Not just like "aww cute baby" love, but the aching that I am away from her love. I was really blessed in that I was able to meet her when she was just an hour old. Never in my life have I seen something so perfect. She was only 6 and a half lbs so she was honestly smaller than the purse I had with me that day. I found it funny that I could love something so much that I just met. I felt really emotional Wednesday night I think just from being close to something to special. It really got me thinking more about my future and how much I look forward to being a mum. Seeing my best friend in pain really was hard, but seeing her perfect little girl really makes you understand how worth it everything in life is. It made me understand how everything in my life is slowly moving me towards that point. I know that G and I aren't ready yet, but it makes me really look forward to the day when it is us bringing home a little someone from the hospital.

Self control

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Today I start work at a shoe store. And its a gorgeous store, with many brands of shoes that I adore, and I get an amazing discount. Soooo this poses a problem as I LOVE shoes, love them!!! G was joking that I should leave my wallet at home lest I come back at the end of today having spent more than I earned. I have been trying to make 2010 the year of living frugally. Its a time to get out of debt and only be spending money on things that are needed not wanted. A distinction I have spent a lot of time and money understanding. So, here I go, into the lions den if you will, let's see how I fair shall we?
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Daily Grace

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1. Babysitting my favourite 2 year old
2. Cadbury Mini Eggs
3. Perogies
4. 5 for $25 at La Senza
5. Lunch out with my nanny
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Daily grace

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1. Rain boots
2. Home made biscotti
3. Extra time with G in the mornings
4. Visits with my mum
5. Apartment hunting
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Daily Grace

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1. Rekindling a love affair with a blog

2. Mott's Caesars

3. George St. Pierre in his little shorts

4. Lethal Weapon marathon on A & E

5. Putting the finishing touches on my final studio project for the term

Daily Grace

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1. Sleeping in

2. Sun on my face

3. How to make it in America

4. Birthday Dinners

5. Plastic Cameras

Long week...and now it's Thursday

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I should be really excited because after my two classes today I have my term break (all of one week) before my next term starts. But because of the situation last week I was granted an extension on my studio project that was to have been presented on Tuesday. SO....tomorrow instead of relishing in the awesomeness that is no school work, I shall be frantically rendering my floor plans so I can finish off my work. It's just been a strange week--I think I may be a bit depressed (is that like the commercial about being a little bit pregnant?) I just feel somewhat apathetic towards my schooling at the moment. I actually have an art history final tonight and instead of studying last night G and I went out for mojitos. (a WAY better call if you ask me) While I am feeling somewhat "meh", at the same time I really am realizing just how precious life is, and how fleeting. I want to choose to enjoy it as much as possible so I never ever take what I have for granted.

A pointless end

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Last week a girl from my hometown killed herself. No one saw it coming, and our community has been jointly reeling in shock since thursday morning. She and I weren't friends, and part of weird guilt I have right now is that I actually didn't really like her. We weren't friends, but as is common in a small town, we ran in the same social circle.
She had always been dramatic and somewhat troubled, but I don't think anyone realized just how fragile she was.
There was a memorial service for her on Sunday, and the space was so packed it was hard to move. I couldn't help but wonder how someone who can feel so alone could fill an entire restaurant with people crying and questioning. I have felt so deeply sad, full of empathy for those she left behind, brother, boyfriend, best friends. They are all irrevocably damaged, such a large piece missing. I can't shake this feeling, I remain in shock and just wanting to tell all those I love just how much they mean to me.
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On Love and Long Weekends

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Somewhat fortuitously Valentines day fell a day before Family Day this year and so we could celebrate being in love, and our family all in two days. Nothing too much going on on either day. We watched some Olympics (and in true patriotic style I freaked out when Canada won our first gold on home turf) partook in some of my own Olympic sports (hot tubbing...I would easily get a gold) did some homework, and attempted to go skating. It was just nice to be together. We headed back to the city Monday morning with lofty plans of cleaning our apartment. But once we arrived it became clear that it was more a day for snuggling on the couch and watching movies.

Having a long weekend in February was really a marvelous idea and I would love to thank whomever set this into motion.

And in an unrelated turn of events, I heard from my lawyer yesterday and I may be getting the best valentines present ever. A divorce! Apparently le ex has contacted his lawyer who and said he would sign the papers and remove the conditions wherein he is trying to sue me. SO...amazing news. I am trying not to get too wound up about it because this has happened a few times where I think it is coming and he changes his mind. But I am moving forward with my life regardless and hoping that this all winds up.

And it's friday....exhale

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It's been a study week this week. We have two each term, one to get our mid term projects prepared and one later to work on our finals. I spent a somewhat glorious day at home yesterday reveling in my ADD. I set my alarm each hour and would spend an hour on the computer doing work, and then spend 30 minutes doing housework. SO....I am in a good place right now in that I am on top of my homework and my apartment is looking fairly snazzy.

Tonight shall just be a chill night at home. G and I ordered a pizza...nothing snazzy, just Pizza Pizza, and going to have a beer and watch a movie perhaps? (Crazy right? Our social calendar is just nuts) Tomorrow we are heading to a cottage for Sat-Sunday, a little winter hiking, some board games and good friends. Tis a great way to celebrate my hunny's 26th!

Daily Grace

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*I miss doing these...I want to get back to it. Everyone needs a few things in their day to be thankful for, no?

1) snow flakes, the delicate ones that travel slowly towards the ground..not the crazy snow stormy ones

2) A weekend of Scrapbooking last weekend. Pure uninterrupted scrapping

3) Letting the universe know how badly I needed money, and then have a babysitting job pop up

4) G's 26th birthday celebration this coming weekend

5) The Sookie Stackhouse series which Not So Wise and I are currently devouring at an alarming rate (and the good news that there is one more than we thought already out....and another due out in May...huzzah)

The Difference 24 hours makes

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At the end of last week I found out that my ex is trying to extort money from me in exchange for him signing our divorce papers. It was a bad day. As I have said before I am not in a rush to get married or what have you, but I really want him out of my life forever. No more mention, no more thought just gone. Thurs, Fri and Sat just made me angry, frustrated, poisonous. I HATE feeling that way. I composed a letter addressed to all of D's friends...about who he really is, about what he has tried to do to me. But instead of sending it to them, I sent it to my friend nicole. She is a compass of sanity and threw it back to me, making me feel so much better. It was great to get that letter out of me, to have it stop mulling around in my head. Today I woke up feeling refreshed. Someone new. G and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned...and we STILL have more to do, but it felt good to start getting our place is order. (Start is a funny word as we have lived here for ages, but we just got a new hutch for storage so we kinda had stuff all over the place) My brother Elliott stopped by for a visit which was nice, and all of a sudden I just felt loved. I felt complete, happy and loved. and I know that even if D gets a moral victory (ie ill deserved money from me) in this divorce, no matter what I have won. I have an amazing family I am really close with, a phenomenal deep relationship with a fabulous partner, supportive and hilarious friends, babies that are coming into my life (my goddaughter Alexis, am working towards a career I am passionate about:happiness abounds.

I need to just realize the love and happiness that surrounds me, and be thankful....move forward and realize that just cause all this isn't happening in the time frame that I think is best, doesn't mean that the universe isn't providing for me in the way it is supposed to.

Daily Grace

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1. A new start with a new year and the approach of a new decade in my life
2. Morning Coffee with my Mum
3. Having one more sleep before its back to reality
4. A White Christmas and New year
5. Heading back to our love nest this afternoon to get organized and ready for back to school/work