Wednesday, June 2, 2010

1 year (almost)


It seems that I am thinking of things in years lately...or there have just been some anniversaries as of late. June 16th will be my best friends 30th birthday, and one year since my Dad died. What a shitty way to always remember the date. I almost feel like he is haunting me lately. I dream of him almost every night. I have dreams of him and our old cottage, I guess they will forever be intertwined in my mind. The dreams are always good, in each one we are just spending time together and I almost feel like I am getting the chance to say goodbye. That we were able to some how wrap up all the crap between us. But then I wake up and remember that we sold our cottage and that he went and died without so much as a whisper about his illness. I guess sometimes I am just still so freaking mad at him, but then other times I am just so sad. I know that death is final but I just really wish that we had had a chance to talk. Why didn't he let us know he was dying? Did he think that I wouldnt forgive him for all the crap that he put us through? And how could he just leave us all behind trying so hard to pick up all the pieces that he left us here with. Never having closure really is just leaves me grasping at straws trying to imagine what he was thinking. And no matter how much he hurt me when I was younger, it kills me just a bit to think that he was scared and alone and dying--with no family around him. I would have come back to him, and I know my brothers would have been there with him too. If not to comfort him, at least to say goodbye.

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