Monday, January 17, 2011

It comes in the night


It has been a year and 7 months since my Dad passed away; and generally I feel like I am ok and have healed from the loss. Its a long and complicated story about my relationship with him, but we hadn't really been in touch often for years before he died. Before this happened I would imagine what it would be like when he died, how I probably wouldn't really be affected. I figured I would feel bad that he never got his life back together, but I never imagined the gaping hole his permanent absence would leave in my life. For a while I cried every day, felt wracked with guilt and remorse that we hadn't managed to reform some semblance of a relationship. That I had never been able to make peace with him.
Nowadays I feel pretty fine. I tend to get choked up when we watch movies or TV shows involving parental death. Once upon a time I used to feel sad in those instances, but now that I know the raw emotion that comes along with it I just cry. And realize that yes I am crying along with a character mourning a fictional death, but the feeling just feels so real.
I think that it is these sorts of situations that trigger my subconsciousness, causing me to have similar dreams each time. Watching Marshall's dad die on How I Met Your Mother last night reduced me to tears. And then.... Queue the dream:
It is always some variation of the same, my Dad and family and I are at our old cottage (we had to sell it in 1996) and we are talking about selling it but somehow we figure out the money just in time and we don't have to (yay) and my Dad is there and we have an amazing visit, and usually in my dreams I know he is dead, but that we have this one special time together. And then I wake up and sleep tears have soaked my pillow. I had that dream last night-G woke me up cause I was crying in my sleep and tried to snuggle the sad feelings away. But I lay awake and instead thought of what could have been.

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

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