Dreary

:::

The weather has been so dreary all week. I wake every morning to rain....or just dampness outside. It's the type of morning that I just want to roll over, spoon G and go back to sleep until spring. Why can't humans hibernate for the winter? Well there is that and the fact that G is away a lot at the moment. His job has a contract in Sudbury at the moment so during the week there is no chance for stolen moments of spoonage in the morning.

I took the day off school yesterday as I was feeling really nauseous and had a sore throat. I fear the H1N1. Talked to my doctor and was told to just drink lots of fluids and rest. Thankfully I feel better today (Started feeling better yesterday late afternoon) What I hate about that is that I just feel so restless. I have what could be defined as a pile of homework to do and yet I just can't really get going. It's 11:00 and I am still in grubby clothes. I did 2 loads of towels this morning and that's it. Not crucial to do today, but it's like I can't seem to manage to get done what I need to, but I will just procrastinate by doing unnecessary tasks.

AND its raining again...I wanted to walk to the supermarket. boo

Daily Grace

:::

1. New photos on Flickr

2. Finished my chair model that isn't due til Wednesday

3. 3 more sleeps til G is home

4. 4 more sleeps til Halloween

5. 2 babysitting jobs this week :)

I Have the Power

:::

For years my Mum has extolled the virtues of positive self talk. I have tried it on and off but tended to feel a bit hokey saying "come on you can do it" out loud. I didn't want to be one of those people who must talk to themselves to get through the day...However, I have made more of an effort lately and find that even if I feel like a bit of a tool at first, it puts me in a better mood than listening to the more quiet voice in my head that continually whispers I am not good enough. So I'm running with the hokey thing and it is surprising to see the changes in myself. My amazing friend Nicole who I adore recently blogged about this article http://au.pfinance.yahoo.com/b/for-love-or-money/11/the-starving-artist and I smiled. I think it deserves a look...what is the harm? If I am one of those people who talks to myself from now on, so be it. But at least I am feeling good while I'm doing it!

:::

"I am a highly paid professional designer. I am in high demand due to my originality. Whenever I work, I receive new creative ideas on how to become even more handsomly paid"

That unsafe feeling in my tummy...

:::

Was away all weekend with my Mum at awesome Scrapbook camp (pics at some point soonish to follow) I got back to the apartment on Sunday to spend a lovely day in the apartment with G. Upon our arrival, my neighbour informed us that 3 apartments in our building (and one on our floor) were robbed last week. I immediately felt sick. This is the first place I have lived, beyond being in my parents house where I have felt safe. Yes I have blogged about being a bit nervous here at night, but I all around felt pretty good about being here. We live in a pretty snazzy part of Toronto and a large part of the appeal of living here is that we are in a good safe area. I HATED to hear that. With G away a lot during the week I really am now a bit panicked about being here alone. True its not like a string of assaults in the building, but it makes me a bit nervous to think about coming home late from class and finding that someone has been amongst my things. Before I left for class this morning I hid my jewelry. And I am thinking of taking my nice stuff up to my Mums place for a while. I find it quite unsettling to not feel I can have my apartment the way I want it for fear of someone taking it. So not impressed right now.

Daily Grace

:::

1. Sun is shining in Toronto

2. Scrapbooking retreat (my several months later bday present from my Mum) is this weekend

3. Am up doing homework...sort of a grace as will save me stress later

4. Cafe Crema Coffee

5. G being away again this week which causes him to call and leave me lovey dovey voicemails.

Good day(s)

:::

Yesterday I had my first 'history of modern furniture' lecture. It was a really good class from a very interesting teacher. Part way through class I started feeling really anxious...In case you haven't noticed I am a chronic self doubter. I tend to question my abilities on pretty much a daily basis. And so as I was listening to my teacher I started to panic with all the work that we have to do (for example in this class, we have to build a to scale fully functional chair out of cardboard. eep) My teacher then went on a tangent that I felt was directed at me (obviously it wasn't but it just felt so fated at that moment) He said that he once had a professor tell him that when things come easy to you you aren't actually learning. That fear you feel in your stomach when you are doing something you are unsure about, something that scares you...that is in fact when you start to learn. I found that SO unbelievably encouraging as I question myself and panic all the time with this program. I do notice some of my fellow students seem to get As with no effort and that they can tackle anything that is thrown at them without a sense of worry. So, now I am choosing to say thanks. Thanks for the fear cause maybe that just does in fact mean that I am learning...heaven knows I have a ton to learn!

This weekend is Thanksgiving. I really need to think about all the amazing things I have in my life to be thankful for. And there is a lot. I am excited to get the long weekend started extra early tonight! I am babysitting for a few hours and my Mum is coming down to pick me up late night. So, I am starting the weekend off being thankful for my Mum. For her loving to spend time with me so much that she is driving down to Toronto to pick me up at 10pm, for getting to wake up in her house tomorrow, a place I feel that is my home, to have coffee made perfectly as only she can and to get to spend the day getting ready for our special family dinner. Thank you thank you thank you

1992

:::

Yesterday my Aunt Pat emailed me this picture. She came across it while cleaning things up she said. It's my Dad and I at Thanksgiving 1992. (I was 12) Why am in pajamas you ask? Each family Thanksgiving all the ladies would wear matching pajamas. (this started before I was born, so I am not too sure why/how this became a tradition) The picture made me smile...and then get all tight chested. I have such a hard time with all the conflicting emotions. It's been 14 weeks now since he died. And while it is definitely becoming less of a raw wound, I still fight feelings of regret. what ifs. loss of what might have been. I am working hard to be in a space where I can look at these pictures and focus on being thankful for the time we had and come to terms with what was.

The Lazies

:::

I'm not too sure what I have been afflicted with as of late, but I refer to it as 'the lazies' I guess it comes from my ridiculous class schedule at the moment..mondays class from 5-8 Tuesday from 10-7 Wednesday from 12-8 and Thursday from 10-3. I know it's not like I am working five 8 hour days, but it feels weird for me to just have the whole morning to myself (*mostly just talking about today at the moment). And instead of being an awesome motivated person and getting done the things I need to, I instead sleep in silly late and then get up to blog...not to do the dishes I didn't do last night, not to start some homework. Nope. I just started scanning photos and things like that. Very important work. It's frustrating cause I just can't seem to get it together. I had lofty aspirations of laundry and so on this week, but for some reason I just feel really slow moving. It's pathetic.

And am also feeling somewhat resentful, NOT a happy morning time feeling. With G working out of town all week, all the errands and jobs around the apartment seem to fall to me. And I love the man like crazy, but its things that need to be done THIS EXACT MINUTE AHHHHHH when he calls and I think....dear sweet man, why wouldnt you have mentioned this on the weekend....so we could have either done it together or I could have allotted time in my day to do that. I have to go downtown and fight his speeding ticket, I have to go register for a permit for a deck he is building. All these things are fine to help with cause I love him, but it's all stuff that has been left to the crazy last minute so I have to rush. And now I sure seem like a total brat as I am talking about being lazy in one breath and then complaining about G in the other. Sigh. ***Other issue might be that I sleep like crap when he is away due to another issue I refer to as 'the crazies' and am just tired and a grouch...that sounds more like it!

Feeing Five Years Old

:::

G is up working in Sudbury during the week and usually I take it as a chance to revel in the things I don't do as often when he is here, read, journal, watch girlie TV....but last night was different. I tried to go to bed, but found myself scared of the dark...I had to get up and put the light on, and read til I passed out from utter exhaustion. In the morning, I laugh at myself, realizing that the tapping on the balcony windows was in fact rain, as I had tried to convince myself at 3am, that no one was hiding in my closet (which didn't stop me from checking twice) It's somewhat ridiculous that I am 29 years old and I can still have the late night paralysis boogie man fear that I had as a young girl. It gets me no where other than just looking like a zombie the next morning...and I have a long day of class today. It's so foolish, but I can't fight it! I think I need to stop watching CSI etc, until I have my roomie back again!

Daily Grace

:::

1. Photos of doors I love

2. Starting the new term with a passionate art history teacher

3. Thanksgiving coming up....and the many many reasons I have to be thankful this year

4. Fresh Green Tea in the mornings

5. Running errands that have been piling up...(ie. Finally taking my record player in to get fixed!)

aaaand I'm back

:::

Sitting on hold with the Toronto Traffic Ticket central place. Oh no not for me...I am perfection in my driving and don't speed (or more so have yet to get caught) G got a ticket a few weeks ago, meant to fight it so our insurance doesn't go up...left it under a pile of crap on his dresser to discover yesterday.

"I thought you said you were going to take care of it for me" G

"Um...I would have but you neglected to give me the ticket nor mention it again so I forgot" Me

"Shit" G

"yup Shit" Me

It's been over a month, and the ticket says you have 15 days to fight it. And I so do not want our insurance to go up. We are barely functioning on a budget as it is...sigh

.....

And Hakim just answered and told me its not too late. amazing.