Friday, March 27, 2009

Hope Springs Eternal


It is a gorgeous day in Toronto. A no coat needed, tempted to break out my birkenstocks kind of day. G and I are driving up north later on this afternoon and I just can't wait to have the windows down in the truck while we cruise.

I feel as though these days that promise that summer is on it's way really do cause such joy in me. I am feeling more lifted than I have in ages and it is such a needed emotion. I think that I really do get affected by the dumpy Ontario winters and the stress that this past season brought along with it. I am trying to focus on the future life wise as well as season wise and get through it bit by bit.

I am not sure why, but lately I have felt so much more in love with G. I get giddy when we are together and I actually miss him when we are apart. Almost pathetic as sometimes we are only apart for 8 hours while we are in classes. I think that sometimes I feel as if this relationship can't be real. Surely I do not deserve to be this happy. Why is that? I guess cause I used to date total assholes and I just don't realize if I made better choices when I was younger, I would have been happy then too. It's just that as we move further and further into our relationship, meshing our lives and our personal effects into one, I panic at how easily it could all disappear. I think once realizing that I can actually be this happy in myself and in a relationship, I see just how much I have to lose. Part of me wants to hold back, just a little so that if things don't work out I would have some shred of self left, but I just don't know how. And it is literally ridiculous writing this as I know he is just as batshit crazy for me as I am for him, but years of self doubt are hard to break free from.

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