Wednesday, August 6, 2008

A weeks worth all at once:

As it hasn't been that busy at work lately (while I am covering reception) I have been writing blogs and then emailing them to myself. But my internet access at home is unreliable and also once again I forgot my password etc so yeah...anyway here are several Blogs, a few are from last week and one is from yesterday, I am doing them in order so most recent is last. yippee.

Bikini Death Camp and other pleasantries

I have been unhappy with my level of fitness for quite some time now. In fact…I would say the past 11 years. At 17 I pierced my belly button in what was to be motivation for me to work out and get really fit. I am now 28 and my mid-section has just slowly started getting more pronounced. I am not fat, I am not even what would be considered as overweight, but for my personal ideal, I have been unhappy for quite some time. In the late spring I noticed flyers going up all over my neighbourhood about “Bikini Bootcamps” that were starting up all over the city. They seemed to fill up before I could even locate the sign up locations. I was telling G about this and he decided that he would run a bootcamp for me (it would seem that my main issue is complete lack of motivation) So for the past two days we have gone to the park near our apartment, and run stairs, used benches as step machines, jogged along the marked path and done many forms of squat lunges and the likes. I honestly feel like I am going to throw up mid way though, but as G seems very encouraging and supportive I push through and am now having a small sense of pride that I have made it through. Unfortunately there are no immediate results, so other than the fact that I am walking like a cowgirl today; I can’t tell I have been working out. I know this is silly, but I do this all the time, start working out do it a few times and then my laziness takes over and I bail. I would really love to feel good about myself and to know that I am somewhat fit. I feel like at 28 it isn’t too late to start getting into shape and being active. I know I want to live a more active lifestyle, but it is just those few steps in getting going that I tend to lack. It feels amazing to have a partner who wants to be active too and who can be motivate me to get off my ass!
I am feeling out of sorts today and I can’t put my finger on it. I am being really good lately at looking on a brighter side of things or perhaps trying to be positive…however sometimes those old feelings still overwhelm me. As with many times in the past few years, I am once again at some sort of crossroad. While it is so exciting that I don’t know what is coming up in my life, at the same time I occasionally get into a panic about it. My temp job potentially ends at the end of August. My supervisor here has said that he really can’t guarantee that I will be able to get hired on full time, he is pretty sure that my contract will be renewed. While this is good as it means no unemployment, it is also somewhat bad as I don’t get paid days off and my temp agency makes a few dollars on the hour from me. My friend is leaving her job in the city and heading back up to her hometown. Her boss asked her if she knew anyone that might be interested in her job. I think I am going to apply. It is more money than I would make here and it would be an actual position. I also wanted to start looking for jobs that might help me career wise (in the vein of being a counselor) but I think I am somewhat scared to try to take a step. Or I just feel overwhelmed with where to even start looking with something like this. I feel like so much time and energy is devoted to teenage angst…but what about late 20 angst?!
I always thought that I would go to school, find an awesome job and just delight in my work. (extremely optimistic huh?) I didn’t think I would be someone floundering around trying to find something to suit me…never sure what it would be that I could do. After a very long talk with an old friend, I realized that I love the idea of counseling...and now I just need to start taking those steps towards my goal. It just seems scarier at this point for some reason. I guess cause I have already done the starting over thing within the last year. But honestly? If I am not making tons of money and am still in school for a few more years I will survive wont I? I think I still worry too much and want to be secure (financially) but realistically, as long as I have a job and goals I will be moving in the right direction.
Day Three...
...of my attempts to blog from work. I keep emailing entries to myself but the night seems to get away from me and then I forget. Now instead of blogger collecting my thoughts it would appear that hotmail is the keeper of secrets. Today is one of those days where I can’t concentrate at work. The allure of a lovely summer day and the promise of the coming long weekend are infiltrating my thoughts. There is a farmers market on the street below my building and I wish I was out there taking pictures and buying produce; instead I am manning the phones and watching the computer clock slowly creep towards 4pm. No big plans for tonight, after work I am heading to Urban Outfitters to buy a really cool old school camera for G’s brother--check it out Perhaps looking at spending some birthday money on hipping up my wardrobe and then home to watch more episodes of Californication. I have been up at 7 every day this week to open up at work (must be in by 8) I don’t know why, but it appears that there is a correlation between how late I go to bed and how early I get up…it never appears to work in my favour. Last night I recall seeing 12:34am as I was getting into bed. I always have the greatest intentions of early to bed when it is early to rise, but the night seems to creep away from me…it can go from dinner time to bed time in the blink of an eye. We recently got cable which I think might be leading to my downfall in losing the night. Who knew the Showtime/HBO yielded so many gems? I have been doing a lot better about working out and going out in the evenings but I really need to figure out how to maintain the right balance of domesticity, fun social life, and hobbies. Last weekend we spent a lot of time doing laundry, grocery shopping and cleaning our apartment. My mum used to always tell me “Maintenance…that is how you keep things all clean etc so you don’t have to spend as much time cleaning and organizing” (I have always been notorious for having a messy room) I have begun to realize that having a dishwasher one day will really aid in that…or maybe I can just stop being lazy and do dishes right after dinner. One meal worth of dishes just destroys the motif of a tiny kitchen.

I used my birthday money to buy a Holga as well (hence the idea to buy one for G’s bro). I got my first set of prints back yesterday afternoon on my way home from work. They are square, and not totally what I was expecting, but I am super excited to take more pics and learn to use it better. I need to get a scanner so I can get them online. It is an amazing feeling, one I had long forgotten…the anticipation of getting photos back. I must say that I LOVE the instant gratification of digital pics, and the ability to make sure that you captured the moment…but the pure joy of picking up photos and going through the envelope high hopes of neat photos, is amazing. It reminded me of the era of the mixed tape. I used to sit listening to the Top 7 at 7 with my finger poised over the record button, hoping that the song I liked would be played so I could tape it… if I wasn’t fast enough to stop the recording in time I would have the voice of the DJ on the end. Tarzan Dan likely should receive royalties from me.
Me again

Last night I was in a funk. No decisive reason really. I think it was cause I was trying to find a jean skirt with no luck (which sounds like a lame reason to fall into a bad mood but I am sometimes just lame) All the ones I found were absolutely TINY. I am not a prude by any means, but holy crap I can’t imagine wearing a skirt that barely covers my ass. They were like large belts. And now I sound like a mum. But it was somewhat frustrating and the fact that there were so many people at the mall as well, just a bad all around combo. But when I got home I just lost all inspiration to do anything. I lay on the couch and just watched TV all night. When I have those moments of feeling down, I can almost sense a gravitational pull to the nearest object on which I could sit or lay. I kept trying to get up to do dishes or take some night photos or something, but I just couldn’t get it together. I know that had I pushed myself more I could have, but I just got somewhat complacent with being horizontal. I get so frustrated with the waste of time. Today I am feeling better and wishing that I had actually got around to doing something last night, actually publishing to my G.D blog, or doing more tidying or organizing or cleaning…or working on my photography or my writing. I hate that I cant bring myself to focus sometimes.

I wrote G a poem about spooning yesterday…I feel so creative while at work, like I want to start doing short stories again, or something but then I get home, where I have the time and space to do these things and I just seemed to lose it. I think I am a bit overwhelmed with all the possibility for myself and my life at the moment. There are some family situations that have arisen (health wise) for my mum and my grandfather that seem to compound things. It is weird what a good nights sleep can do though, all does tend to see darkest before the dawn. I just don’t want to waste any more of my life with nothingness. So much of my time spent in Philly was heartbreaking loneliness even within my marriage (especially within my marriage) I was incredibly depressed and did nothing. I am 28, I have a lot of life left to live and I want to get out there and start doing stuff. Laughing, living loving. Listening to records and drinking wine. Reading books that I love, reading books I hate, being able to put away those books I hate and search for more books I love. Being with my family, learning how to take the photos I dream of. I think that there are SO many things that I want to be and that I want to do…what is it that I am scared of? I used to write lists, lists of everything maybe I need to start doing that again to keep me focused.
Long weekend

I met G’s dad yesterday. We went to the cottage he was staying at on our way back down to the city. I have heard about him since we have been dating, but as he lives up in North Bay I just haven’t met him yet. I am happy that it went well, cause as the total neurotic I am, I was worried he wouldn’t like me. Ended up ok. This might sound strange and I am not totally sure how to word this, but he reminded me of all the things I miss about my estranged father. He had that familiar look about him, the tanned, lined face. I can’t totally put my finger on it, but it was somewhat comforting. He obviously isn’t like my father in that it wasn’t awkward hanging out with him, and he isn’t an alcoholic, but there was just something there…I enjoyed watching him speak, perhaps it was some mannerisms that they share.

It was a long weekend, but as per usual didn’t seem all that long. My Grandpa is in the hospital, so there was some visiting that went on. My Dad died in that hospital so the smells in there just bring back a really bad time for our family. The skin cancer that G’pa is dealing with has come out as a large lump on the side of his neck, he is to start radiation tomorrow in Toronto, so my Mum will be driving him down to the city and getting him situated. He is 86 so it isn’t like I am expecting this to make him start doing cartwheels again, but just seeing him so pale and helpless was difficult. He has been a strong figure in my life that thinking about that being taken away is hard. I do know that no matter what happens I have been so lucky to have him in my life for so long and for having the opportunity to spend all this time with him this past year.

The rest of the weekend was spent with G, we went for a late night sauna and then a swim in the bay under the stars. Very cold and yet very romantic. We went for a hike, and did some strength training/weekend bikini death camp, and took lots of pics. It was nice to be up north and have an extended weekend. My mum and I managed to spend some time in her basement going through our piles of scrapbooking stuff and getting rid of cheesy papers and stickers we would never actually use. It feel so good to get things organized.

Along with the organizing vein my friend Melissa, who is learning how to be a life coach, was practicing on my via email on Fri and today. We established that I worry about not having much peace in my life at the moment because of my lack of organization. So I have started making lists of things I need to be doing to get my life more organized. Then we look at each one and break it down further so that it doesn’t seem like an insurmountable task. The areas I need to figure out are job, apartment and life. For job, the tasks I need to do for now, are to update my resume so I can make sure I have employment in the fall, start looking out for volunteer opportunities, start examining areas I may want to work in. Apartment…I need to make lists of the things I think I need to get my apartment more organized: a shoe rack, a butcher block…making sure to do the dishes before bed and not let everything pile up. Life wise I need to make lists of things I want to accomplish in my days, to figure out what I am going to wear to work the night before to avoid last minute scrambles, to plan meals ahead of time, to schedule in my exercise times, make lunches the night before and keep my surroundings somewhat clean. This all seems so obvious I am sure, but I really need to give these things a go and not succumb to my laziness and maybe I can make some real changes.

No comments: