Avoidance

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I am really broke right now. As in broke as a joke. I have pretty much given up shopping (except for essentials for school) we don't go out very much and let me tell you it's really really hard. I keep using my go to defense mechanism which is just getting me further in trouble. If I act like I don't have bills due, I don't check my bank balance and I just avoid the whole thing, somehow it will magically right itself. This is not the case. I think it's been causing me to be a little depressed lately...School is SO busy (example, I was doing homework from 1pm to 1am on Tuesday...this isn't procrastinating, it's just normal amounts of work!) I know I could find some time in there to work, but I just haven't been looking hard enough. I guess that's another avoidance issue...I can claim that I just can't find anything, but does that count if I am not really looking? I am getting a resume together TONIGHT...I want to apply to do promotions or something. Why is it that I just can't be awesomely motivated and organized? I want to join the gym as well but I am worried to run out of time. I think I just need to stop being lazy and to realize I need to commit wholeheartedly to my life just being really really busy right now. It feels so strange to feel so rich in love and yet so broke in cashola.

I had such bad insomnia last night I didn't know what to do. This comes to me from time to time when I am panicked about something. I lay there listening to my heart trying to pound out of my chest and thought "enough is enough" So this morning I woke up, went online and paid my bills. Tonight when i get home from class it's cleaning the apartment, NOT turning the TV on until I am organized, getting my resume in order and getting a head start on the monster pile of homework I have for next week. This weekend is G's birthday so I know I won't be doing much on Saturday night. I am hoping for the strength of character to be able to start doing what I need to do. No more avoidance.