A letter to you would read...

Dear Dad,

You passed away over a week ago now and I have to say I have gone from being sad to angry. I know we haven't been close in years but I was trying, and I would have wanted to know that you were dying. I am SO mad that you knew this was coming for so long and yet you made no effort to let your daughter, your sons, your brothers...ANYONE know that you were dying. Now there is no chance left for us. How did you not see that? There are so many things that I have wanted to say to you, things I always assumed I would have the time to say. The way you have treated me in the past I knew I had to wait to be stronger before I could have a relationship with you. I finally felt that that time was on the horizon. At the funeral many of your current friends told me how much you loved me and how sad you were that we weren't close. I felt so bad, but now I just wonder if you were so sad why didnt you make the effort? I am taking solace now in the thought that even though you didnt love me the way I needed you to, you still loved me the only way you could. I am still so hurt and angry and just generally broken feeling right now. In all my dealings with you since I was a kid, I have always come through somewhat dirty and tangled, but always stronger. This will be no different. No matter what I wish I could have told you that I loved you. At least one last time.

Love, Julia

Dreams can be motivating

:::

Last night I had a really weird dream. I was hanging out with my ex-father in law and ex brother in law.  When Steven (ex pops in law) was left by his wife, he never really recovered. He got depressed and his house turned into a disgusting mess.  There was an accumulation of newspapers, garbage, mail, recycling that was approximately 8 years old. I think that at some point he just gave up life but kept living.  It was really sad.  However in my dream last night I was randomly visiting them and his house was spotless.  I noticed a ring on his finger and then a woman came in.  He had remarried and was happy. He had moved on and it was so great to see. Even though we aren't in touch anymore, it still made me smile to see how he had turned things around.  Then I awoke and realized with 98% certainty that that was not the case. He has pretty much dedicated his life to taking care of my ex (who has issues and pretty much needs a crazy amount of attention). It was strange, but when I woke up I felt like I had to get moving, to clean up my apartment, not to waste the day away in bed.  I just want to keep moving forward so that no matter what my life wont be me, surrounded in the dirty remnants of my past, unable to take another step.

Daily Grace

:::

1.Hot pink Gerber Daisys in a new ikea vase

2. the GIANT bag of handmedowns I got yesterday

3.It's 9am and I have already done laundry, cleaned the kitchen, made coffee and taken the garbage out

4. Having the fan on

5. My new magic bullet c/o Erin finding the sale and G picking it up for us!

Today...

:::

...I awoke to find that it is amazing what a little sleep can do for your perspective.  The sun is shining in through the cheap plastic blinds in my living room, and everything is going to be ok.  I have to be less passive aggressive and talk to G about what is bothering me.  As a dear friend pointed out, he is young and really he is not going to necessarily notice that vacuuming needs to be done. So I shall say "My dear sexy G, please could you vacuum" instead of stewing over how he doesn't magically understand my needs.

Meh

:::

Am having trouble staying positive today. I let down a friend, and she is justifiably upset with me.  Wrote PS I love you after telling me she was frustrated that I was bailing on her tonight....even after she confirmed on Tuesday...I have to bail cause G got upset with me this morning that I had made plans instead of planning on coming to dinner with his mom and bro who are in town for the night.  Feel like I can't do anything right.  The financial aid guy is also mad at me...trying to help me but all this crap with my name being on G's truck is wreaking havoc on my OSAP. I will hardly get any money this year.  Not at all panic inducing. Thought I could quickly take my name off the vehicle however that involves repaying the entire retail tax amount of the truck. Which we already did when G bought it. SO stupid.  Hate the government.  Got invited to a girls night with highschool friends on Saturday night, confirmed, and then found out its another friend (the one I was to hang out with tonight)s going away party. I just feel down today and I hate it. G has been grumpy for the past few weeks as he hates his job...isn't feeling motivated to clean the apartment and I being the queen of passive aggressiveness am just getting more and more upset about it but refusing to deal head on with the situation. ALSO gained back 5lbs..can't seem to make time for working out. Venting isn't helping. sigh