Daily Grace

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1. Dinner in the Dark tonight at O'noir...celebrating Nat's 23rd birthday.
2. Planning a bachelorette party for Not So Wise
3. Being somewhat on top of homework for the time being
4. Looking into homeownership with G...ahhh and yay all at the same time
5. The adorable huge hoop earrings I am wearing today

Daily Grace

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1. 2 more sleeps til Harry Potter with Not so wise and her sister

2. Song exchanges with the lovely Nicole last night

3. Dinner at Insomnia

4. Finishing classes early today

5. Getting film back today!!!

Still a bit lost

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G has been away all week in Thunder Bay for work.  It's been nice having the apartment to myself, lots of time for writing and reflection I originally thought...none of which I really did. Went to school, had an old friend over for dinner and a sleepover, and then yesterday after class I drove up to Lake Simcoe and spent the night at Harrison's cottage. 

 We went out on the boat for a cruise, went swimming and just spent a super duper cottagey 24 hours.  Last night I think is when the real reflection came about.  I started thinking about being a kid and my old cottage.  So many memories of my Dad came flooding back, and all of them good. Me being young and out on the boat with him, thinking he was the most amazing, smart and strong man in the whole wide world.  The reality of that was obviously far from the truth, but I just felt lost in memories.  I miss the young me, so secure in the notion that those who were supposed to love her did and always would.  That my family would always be in fact a family, and that my father who could do anything, would never let me fall.

       As an almost 29 year old woman I obviously realize that my 6 year old self was flawed in thinking that.  My father was 29 when I was born, my age now. And it is becoming glaringly obvious that he was a fallible being, much like myself.  It just hurts to think too deeply about my childhood memories of him, and wonder where it all went wrong.  I can't help but wonder if I am only setting myself up for more hurt as at this time of grieving I am focusing on all the good...it's almost as if I have forgotten all the shit that made us have no relationship at the time of his passing. But I can't hate someone who is dead, someone who it is ingrained in me to love. And at the same time, I cried myself to sleep last night at the cottage missing someone I haven't even seen in 6 years.

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And yet all is not lost. I don't want to sound like a sad sloppy mess. At the same time, I have things I am smiling about and looking forward to. This weekend we are going to Niagara on the Lake with 3 other couples to drink wine, take a pile of photos and celebrate my 29th birthday. After a brief sadness comes great happiness...maybe....At least that is how I am going to look at it. Bring on the birthday. The last year in my 20s is going to be fabulous no matter what just to make up for the insanity that was my mid to late twenties!

Daily Grace

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1. Sourdough bread toasted for breakfast

2. Impending Ikea trip

3. Great Gmail chat last night with a girl who always makes me smile

4. My beautiful orchid that is still fighting to live after coming home with me

5. The Beta fish I picked out last night who will come home with me soon and have a better chance at life than the above orchid.

mur

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That's a noise I make when I feel...like I feel right now. Also usually accompanied by a "meh" or two.  After the depressing week that I lived last week, I put my butt in gear and worked my BUTT off to finish school. I managed to get all my work done and pass all my classes. I feel somewhat down that all the hard work I put in at the start of the term didn't really matter as I just squeaked by on my final projects, however my teachers were pretty understanding.

Later today I am going to the house where my father lived to pack up all his things and move them home for my brothers and I do go through.  I feel really strange doing this, partly because I haven't known him well in the past few years and wonder his "stuff" consists of, and partly the sense of deja vu that is strangling me at the moment.  In the past three years I have lost my beloved step dad, my grandfather and now my father.  All the losses have effected me, poked holes in my heart, used up boxes upon boxes of Kleenex. Yet at the same time they are all so different, different relationships, different circumstances, different everything.  I just feel a little lost right now, wondering what could have been, wondering if I had just been stronger if would still feel like I am gliding through life currently.  I think since I have been so focused on school since the funeral today is the first day that I have nothing preoccupying my thoughts. It's just me alone in the apartment surrounded by the remnants of my final project.  The solitude is allowing me to absorb what I feel.  And right now that is just a deep sadness surrounded by anger.  Having anger with no one to direct it at just feels extremely frustrating and all consuming.   So I am trying to focus on a few good things, like my freaking incredible group of friends.  There are two who I refer to as "the Erins" who just have always been there for me. No questions asked and it's never a mention of need, or asking for help, any time my life has been in crisis I turn around and they are just there, standing behind me ready to catch me if I fall.  My friend Melissa who I lost touch with for many years in the past is also someone who seems to just know exactly when I need a word of encouragement, a smile, or a silly story sent by email. She somehow manages to turn negatives into positives and having that in my life is essential and amazing. So maybe today I will try to focus on the amazing friends I have in my life instead of anger that I can't deal with just yet.