The Difference 24 hours makes

:::

At the end of last week I found out that my ex is trying to extort money from me in exchange for him signing our divorce papers. It was a bad day. As I have said before I am not in a rush to get married or what have you, but I really want him out of my life forever. No more mention, no more thought just gone. Thurs, Fri and Sat just made me angry, frustrated, poisonous. I HATE feeling that way. I composed a letter addressed to all of D's friends...about who he really is, about what he has tried to do to me. But instead of sending it to them, I sent it to my friend nicole. She is a compass of sanity and threw it back to me, making me feel so much better. It was great to get that letter out of me, to have it stop mulling around in my head. Today I woke up feeling refreshed. Someone new. G and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned...and we STILL have more to do, but it felt good to start getting our place is order. (Start is a funny word as we have lived here for ages, but we just got a new hutch for storage so we kinda had stuff all over the place) My brother Elliott stopped by for a visit which was nice, and all of a sudden I just felt loved. I felt complete, happy and loved. and I know that even if D gets a moral victory (ie ill deserved money from me) in this divorce, no matter what I have won. I have an amazing family I am really close with, a phenomenal deep relationship with a fabulous partner, supportive and hilarious friends, babies that are coming into my life (my goddaughter Alexis, am working towards a career I am passionate about:happiness abounds.

I need to just realize the love and happiness that surrounds me, and be thankful....move forward and realize that just cause all this isn't happening in the time frame that I think is best, doesn't mean that the universe isn't providing for me in the way it is supposed to.

Boozy at Bedtime etc.

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I had a few drinks with G after work/school...G and his visiting friend Ski...or Josh as some may call him.  I wasn't paying attention, and now, look out, here it comes...I am in my jammies, blogging in bed while they guys have gone out, boys night style.  I have to say I am thankful I didn't need to attend, to put snazzy clothes on and fight against the trendy, Thursday night Toronto crowd,  however, now I have a bit of a beer buzz happening, and alone I lay, in my apartment, nay...my love nest! So I turn to what I love second best...my Mac. And those on the internet I feel strangely close to.....

Many an ellipses passes through my fingers...(and here I go again) but do any of them deserve to be here?

    I thought I would write a bit about last weekend, the long random civic holiday here in Canada.  G and I had a progressive Northern tour.  Friday night we spent with Erin and Steve in Barrie. Saturday afternoon we made it up to Gravenhurst to visit my family and Sunday afternoon we headed further north to see his grandma and uncle.  Friday was great, catching up with friends who are known so well that they just feel like an extension of oneself.  Saturday was great to see my uncles, aunts and cousins.  Reflecting on the last few times I have seen them, my grandpa's funeral, my dad's funeral and my aunt's mom's funeral, a simple random family get together felt so nice and so safe.  It was just strange to be around people and in a setting i SO relate to my Dad.  The cottage is so him. So Dad.  My cousin Jeff took G and I for a boat ride past our old cottage, and it took all I had in me not to cry.  I am not sure why it is I feel I need to try to be so strong sometimes, but it's almost that I don't want to let others down. Make them have to deal with me, the hot mess. So I try to bite my lip and soldier on.  I don't think even G realized how tough this all was for me.  Soon we will be bringing his ashes up here, to be in the river with my grandma and grandpa...and even thinking about it almost brought me to my knees.  It hasn't even been two months yet but I feel like everyone expects me to be so cool about this.  It almost hurts that no one asks me about him, about how I am doing. And yet at the same time I don't want it to be a topic of conversation. Never have I felt so conflicted with my emotions.  What I needed to take from the weekend was some form of feeling close to my Dad, being up in Muskoka, the place he loved the most, the place with the best memories I have of him, of us as a family. I still sometimes feel so raw thinking about the losses in my life as of late, yet I am trying so hard to focus on the good, and move forward with everything.

     It was so nice to be in North Bay, to have a good visit with G's grandma, to sit in the gazebo with her and drink Tim Horton's coffee with timbits, to hear her stories, to laugh and feel light hearted for the first time in ages.  My Nanny is so in love with G, so it feels good knowing that his grandma knows me as well.  We ended up spending 6 hours in the truck together on the way home. A 3 hour ride + the insane weekend traffic.  It was good to be together, we sang along with our Ipods, caught up on the past few weeks as we have been all over the place and got to see a lot of the mid Ontario landscape that perhaps we take so for granted. It's felt good to have a short week, to try to tackle some of the insanity at school, and to feel the momentum of moving forward...crossing things off my list and slowly but surely getting to be where I want to be.

Freedom?

:::

 Over the past week it would seem that D is finally letting go.  After several frantic emails and calls (both of which I ignored) He finally sent a really long email saying that he no longer blames me for everything that is wrong in his life.  He apologized for treating me so poorly and for being so cruel.  He then claimed that he doesn't want to hold out on signing the divorce papers any longer.  That he isn't going to try to come after me for anything financial (which is great cause I have no money, however I would have had to pay a lawyer a bunch of money to defend against that) As he has done this a few times before I emailed to let him know that the ball was in his court. Last time he said this I spent $200 for my lawyer to send him papers that he just ignored.

Dare I hope? Do I actually believe him this time and start formulating plans and picturing my life completely free of him? It's weird cause he is asking for forgiveness yet I just don't think I am there yet. He has done too many awful things to me for me to just let it go, however I know that holding on to the hurt and anger really just effects me.

Also--tacky or no: sharing some champagne with a few close friends to celebrate that chapter of my life being over?

Pretty Good little Sunday

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Mum and I got up early and just sat on the couch discussing life love and the pursuit of happiness. Before I knew it it was 11am, and I had promised my grandma I would come to her house and start going through my grandpa's things. She said she just can't bare to see her husbands life reduced to "stuff" but she just needs things packed away. It is just too raw for her. 61 years together and suddenly you become single again. She has been part of Joan and John essentially all her life, it is so sad to see her struggle with who she is as herself. Mum and I made piles to take to the community outreach, piles to throw out and piles of things we want to keep. I ended up with a brown suede fedora, a book of quotes and his old burberry umbrella. The umbrella is so old that it appears it might disintigrate at the first sign of rain, but it just screams "Grandpa" to me and I love it. We spent a few hours immersed in his things, which was both sad and funny. He kept some of the strangest things over the years. I found notes I had tucked in his pocket when I was 10 years old. Seeing what was important enough for someone to keep for 18+ years really says so much about a person. I have always known he loved me, but I just felt such a sense of being loved today, it really meant a lot.

A week of living well

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I decided that this week off I will live well. Get my life and my positive thoughts back on track if you will. I started off this morning by nearly killing myself on the elliptical machine at the gym. Watching the timer count down for 30mins was brutal, but I feel incredible now. I came home and hung out in my Mums phenomenal shower for a while...we have nowhere near this water pressure in Toronto. I am heading into town shortly to catch up with some friends and run some errands. Healthy dinner tonight, I already planned the recipes. Should I keep my act together in Toronto like this healthy eating will be much easier. The trick is planning ahead, something I never seem to do. Tonight it is BBQ salmon with stir fried Kale. I will post recipes if it works out how I want it to. As I said yesterday, spring is here and with it is my hope to bust a move, get my life in gear and keep moving towards being happier and healthier.

Hope Springs Eternal

:::

It is a gorgeous day in Toronto. A no coat needed, tempted to break out my birkenstocks kind of day. G and I are driving up north later on this afternoon and I just can't wait to have the windows down in the truck while we cruise.

I feel as though these days that promise that summer is on it's way really do cause such joy in me. I am feeling more lifted than I have in ages and it is such a needed emotion. I think that I really do get affected by the dumpy Ontario winters and the stress that this past season brought along with it. I am trying to focus on the future life wise as well as season wise and get through it bit by bit.

I am not sure why, but lately I have felt so much more in love with G. I get giddy when we are together and I actually miss him when we are apart. Almost pathetic as sometimes we are only apart for 8 hours while we are in classes. I think that sometimes I feel as if this relationship can't be real. Surely I do not deserve to be this happy. Why is that? I guess cause I used to date total assholes and I just don't realize if I made better choices when I was younger, I would have been happy then too. It's just that as we move further and further into our relationship, meshing our lives and our personal effects into one, I panic at how easily it could all disappear. I think once realizing that I can actually be this happy in myself and in a relationship, I see just how much I have to lose. Part of me wants to hold back, just a little so that if things don't work out I would have some shred of self left, but I just don't know how. And it is literally ridiculous writing this as I know he is just as batshit crazy for me as I am for him, but years of self doubt are hard to break free from.

Growing up

:::
I feel I could reflect on such a topic for hours, pages even, but I think I could speak in general terms right now to get some things off my chest...

My grandfather can no longer take care of himself. And my grandmother can no longer help him. At 88 and 92 respectively I don't think it really is all that surprising to anyone, however it still seems so sudden to me. Last spring my grandfather was still farting around fixing things in his garage, being outdoors for hours gardening and cruising down the street in his old man go cart thing to grab the paper. Since the fall, he has deteriorated into a scared old man who can no longer remember how to get dressed and frequently recounts conversations he has had with friends who died in the war. At nearly 29 I do realize how lucky I am to have had him in my life so long, but now I want to be selfish and say it's still not long enough. I have spent hours with him asking questions about his childhood, the war, his life etc, but I am realizing that I have lost my window. I can no longer ask him those questions that I may have forgotten over the years. I cringe thinking of the times I rolled my eyes behind his back as he started retelling stories I had heard again and again over the years. I would pay anything to have him sit in the garden with me and explain to me about his first bicycle, and when he first laid eyes on my Nanny. (It was just after the war and she was wearing gorgeous red strappy heels...he was in deep smit from the start) and here I take after him as I begin to ramble....

This weekend my aunt and uncle from out west are coming to Ontario to say goodbye, the doctor thinking it will be soon, either his cancer or his dementia will kill him. He is just a sad shell of the man I have looked up to as my male role model for all my life. As he can't look after himself, my mum and her siblings have had to make the difficult decision to put him in a home. My mum is feeling so destroyed after having listened to her father beg her mother not to send him away. Just thinking about this makes my eyes burn. I wish there was something I could do so that such a lovely life isn't ended in such a sad, scared lonely way.

Friday I'm in love...

:::

Lately I feel like Friday's just aren't what they used to be. With all the school work I have my weeks just seem to blend into even longer weeks. Last night G and I went to our friend Meagan's house for dinner. It was the most delicious Mexican themed feast I have had pretty much ever. It was just so nice to sit for a while and pretend that I had nothing to do but be a friend, catch up on the life and times and eat! When we got home all motivation to get work done left me and now I am trying to get back on track today. I have a really hard time balancing between a social life and doing alright at school. When I am spending hours and hours each day doing school with knowing G is just hanging out, I get a bit resentful. And that bothers me. I made this choice to go back to school and I have no right to get frustrated that he has more time to relax than I do. However when I am just relaxing I start feeling guilty about the amount of work I should be doing. I need pointers on balancing my home and my school life.

to homework or not?

:::

I have to do a presentation in my Materials class next week. It's on glass. Sort of a dry topic...well I am sure in actuality there are lots of fun and facinating facts about glass I could uncover and impart upon my classmates, but I just don't waaaaannnaaaaa. (I could be the queen whiner today)

Toronto is freezing. I havent been outside yet today but I can feel the icy air sneaking in through the door to my patio and it's reminding me to go put socks on. I have the week off school, it's a project week, time to get as much of the insane amount of midterm work done as possible. Problem being there is no motivation. I am enjoying sitting with my laptop, I just want to play on photoshop, or continue to read blogs. Other peoples lives are facinating. It's much more interesting than learning how one would make sand blasted glass. Later this morning one of my friends is coming to pick me up so we can go out and get samples of said glass. I am wondering if it would be unprofessional of me to show up at designer warehouses in track pants...

The time does fly (a.k.a catching up)

:::
Wow. So it has been almost two months. It is funny, when I don't post I think about it all the time. Things happen in my life, even funny random little things that I want to be sharing, but then I forget and time marches on and then it's been two months....(in my defense we currently have very sporadic access to le internet)

Lots of Big News:

1) I moved to the city. Yay Toronto. I was temporarily staying with G$ (the boyfriend) however (more big news) last week he asked me to move in with him! As in cease looking for another apartment and stay here...he even suggested I move all my shoes in. This must be love.

2) To go along with #1, I got a job! Not a dream job, but it is better than the stress and perpetual brokeness of unemployment. The people I work with are nice, the company itself is really great to their employees and the work is interesting. I have been there on a contract basis since May 16th, but today my boss told me that it was very likely that they were going to offer me a full time placement in August, also awesome as this affords me some luxuries...such as hopefully more $$$ and benefits. hurrah.

3) I have joined a goal based group lead by my friend Tall Glass of water (if I can remember how to insert link I will do so asap) We are meeting on a bi-weekly basis to discuss our goals and to make plans of action how to attack them. This I LOVE as our first meeting was yesterday and today I feel super kick ass as I have already conquered several of my tasks for our next meeting. yay me.

4) I have developed some career focus. This fall I am going to be taking some college courses for a certificate in psychology. I have decided I want to be a couples counselor or a sex therapist. Thoughts?

5) My birthday is in 8 days. I will be 28. Occasionally that terrifies me as I still feel about 19, but on the whole I am happy about it.

6) The biggest news of all is the one I have been avoiding through the 5 other notes. Last month my mum was diagnosed with Lymphoma (cancer of the lymph nodes) The doctors gave it a primary staging as Stage 1, but she is going for a bone marrow test and an MRI etc just to be sure. When I think about this too much it feels like my stomach moves into my throat and that I may lose consciousness. I am trying so hard to remain positive and strong, but realizing how much the security of her presence grounds me is outstanding. After losing my Dad the thought of being an orphan at 28 overwhelms me. I know that it is kind of nuts to start panicking about things that are so abstract I can barely comprehend them....but that is how I roll.

I miss blogging. In fact this was added on my goal sheet. To blog more. I think I was worried that G$ will come across it...with my old blog, when my ex started reading it it really took some of the joy away from me. I felt I had to censor myself and that is not something that I want to do here. This is an outlet, it is for me and me alone, so I choose not to let him know I do it, and I will just be better about doing it when I have some alone time.---not being able to blog at work has been a new form of torture for me.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to the woman who has given me so much. The confidence to know I can be whom ever I want to be, my love of cooking, reading, drinking wine. The ability to laugh at myself and to be kind to others. You raised me to be respectful of myself and to always remember the importance of family. To cherish my friends and those special moments. I would not be the person I am if it wasn't for you.

Love you always,

Echo

Dumpy Day Diva (with pics)

:::

I was starting off wanting to write about being really depressed today. About not being able to find a job and about realizing that my credit card payment was supposed to be yesterday and not tomorrow...and while I was all about hitting the minimum now I will have to deal with...about feeling like I am stuck treading water and not able to move forward with my life...about just feeling totally lost about what I want to do and what should happen with my life.

BUT...instead I am choosing to write about my trip, to not be the dumpy day diva that I thought I was going to be. I started looking at pics from my trip to post up here and I realized that all really isnt lost. I just had an adventure. With a boy that I really like. So I guess things could be a lot worse right?

We flew out to Vancouver separately due to booking issues and met up Friday afternoon. We stayed with his parents and headed out on Saturday. Saturday night we stayed in Whistler, Sunday we stayed in Lake Louise, Monday Banff, Tuesday Calgary, Wednesday Regina, Thursday Winnipeg, Friday Terrance Bay (just past Thunder Bay) and then Saturday we did a 13 hour tour and made it home. We ate a lot of junk food, sang lots of tunes, I was corrected on many many hip hop lyrics, we made out in every province, and chatted. To be super girlie, I feel like we really got to know each other a bit better...we didn't even really pull out the indepth "getting to know you" conversations, but we spent 8 full days together, 50+ hours being confined in a vehicle. So for two people who have mostly spent time on weekends together, I think that this was good for us.

--Here we are pretending to hate each other
at the Ontario sign. Little did I know it was still about 18 hours home from that sign! Ontario is a GIANT province...we were still about 6 hours from Thunder Bay at this point. We had joked about hating each other by the the time we got to the middle of the country and since that didn't happen we thought it would be good to seem like we hated each other once we got back home.

I've missed the blogging world

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Hello world...I have returned from beneath the rock where I was hibernating/licking my wounds. It has been a long. dark, Canadian winter and I am finally feeling more like doing things I enjoy once again. Also...due to the fact that I have had about 11 email addresses and password combinations in the past few years, I couldn't remember how to log back in. I spent a frustrated hour last week trying to get into Blogger and yet it wouldn't let me in! The email address I used when I was married no longer exists so I was afraid the password was being sent to it. Ok, so pointless drivel but nonetheless...I AM BACK!

So, the super quick update and I will provide more hilarity and life-affirming details as time goes by:

• Still separated. Ex decided to go for one more awesome power play and has claimed to be "too busy to deal with our divorce" (it actually just involves signing papers, but he is a giant idiot so what do I expect) He claims that we can talk about it again in 2009...when he is less busy. Honestly? I am not about to get married again so I don't really need to be divorced, it just bugs me that he goes in for the power trip once again. Am also a bit nervous he is waiting to see if I get a job so he can go after me for support. urgh
• Am unemployed. ha. I worked at a ski club for the winter and it recently ended (for obvious reasons) I am looking to move to Toronto so I have been job hunting for a little while but nothing has come up. Thankfully I live at home at the moment so I dont have eviction notices being nailed to my door, but this is the first time in ages that I haven't worked. It's somewhat humbling to be honest...
• Have taken up scrapbooking again. For a while there it was overwhelming me (silly to be overwhelmed by a craft? oh yes) But now it is something I look forward to which is great! I have been taking photos again and really feeling a lot more like myself
• Been dating someone. Not sure how serious it is, I am pretty crazy about him, but trying to just be chill about it. He is friends with my brother, motivated, handsome, hilarious, dead sexy, and the best big spoon ever. It's grand
• Am flying out west to Vancouver on Thursday and then driving an SUV home with said 'someone' Relationship maker or breaker? I think so! Also, pretty excited cause I have never seen that part of Canada really and i am quite excited to check it out. Will have heaps of pics to post when I get back.

Ok, so there is the quick update. I am going to spend some time trying to pimp out my blog a bit cause I hate how boring it looks at the moment. Then family dinner. Mum and I made Lamb tonight, will post the recipe if it works out.

Day Off

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I have been working a lot over Christmas but now I finally feel back to reality. It is so easy to get into that holiday season time warp where days pass in strange manners and none of your usual routines hold up. We had my brothers girlfriend visiting us from the UK for three weeks and while she is an awesome girl, it was just one more person in our already over crowded household. Yesterday Mum and I drove down to Toronto and took her to the airport. It was so hard to see how crushed my brother was to have to say goodbye again. They were living together in Australia and have since been apart for a year now, they have visited twice, but I think each time is harder to let go.

The drive to Toronto wasn't that bad and on the way home we stopped at a Chapters and freaked out and bought about $100 worth of books. I try so hard to save money but there is something about a giant bookstore that makes me lose my mind. My Mum is the same way so I guess we are a bad shopping combo. Living in a small town makes things like Chapters quite the big deal!

We have had insane weather (warm and tons of rain) lately so all the snow is gone. It feels like March and not so much like January. This morning was garbage/recycling pick up and much to our dismay, the wind blew everything all over our street. We had to run outside about 4 times to try to weight things down or else to pick up what the bin had dumped all over our front lawn. Mum and I sat with our coffees in the front room and narrated the adventures of our neighbours as they did the same thing. The mad pajama dash to grab ones garbage can lid is quite the sight at 8am. I'm just sitting at my kitchen table at the moment watching the hedge in our backyard bend like crazy...and I love that this is my day off and it's 11am and I have accomplished nothing. I think I will be doing some fun errands today like taking empties back to the beer store, picking up dry cleaning and hitting the grocery store. The usual mundane stuff that seems to get pushed aside with all the craziness lately.

I have to get my New Year Resolutions together and posted so we can laugh about them together!

Shoveling in a winter wonderland

This is me at 8am today:

Thrilling pic isn't it folks? I changed it to black and white just to illustrate just how much white there is out there. We have had a little frost but up to this point we haven't had significant snowfall. When I got up this morning my Mum, brother and I had coffee and listed to the radio...we heard mention of many school closings and got all nostalgic for the days when we would pray for snow so that buses would be cancelled and our school would be closed. Now that we are all grown up (so to speak) and working, there is never that same sense of wonder and pure awesomeness that we could just play all day. Offices tend to close far less frequently than the school board. But I have to say that I have had a pretty successful day so far. I helped to shovel two driveways and two walkways, drove up to the gym and sweated my face off for an hour, started tidying up, blogged...although I haven't showered yet and I smell like I have sweated for over an hour. ick. Anyway, today one of those days where I wish I had someone to snuggle up under a warm blanket with. BUT I don't and you know what? That is ok.

Perhaps a case of the Mondays

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I am feeling very down and unmotivated today. I hate days like this. It is one of those days where you look in the mirror and say "I am fat, ugly and no one loves me" It is all in my head and total nonsense, but I just feel 'blah' today. I have been working really hard lately exercising, eating healthy, smaller portions etc, and the numbers on the scale refuse to budge at all. Being someone who's former idea of activity was exercising my brain by seeing how many books I could read...I had thought that going to the gym 4 times a week would cause something to happen. I think I am makin a bigger deal of it than it really is, but that is what happens on days like today. Everything gets blown way out of proportion! On a more positive note, I am listening to "Julie and Julia" as a book on CD in my car. I love it. It has also inspired me to start cooking a lot more--would anyone be interested to have me post recipies I am trying and my comments on them?

I had a really great weekend. Friday night I drove down to Orangeville and met my cousin for dinner at the Montanas. We haven't seen each other in ages so it was nice to eat and catch up...share a half litre of the Pino Grigo, tasty. On my way home I swung past another friend's house and managed to get talked into spending the night and catching up. We met in college and haven't had the opportunity to spend much time together as I moved to the States right after graduation. It really has been nice lately to get to reconnect with the people that have meant so much to me over the years. I do miss living in the US sometimes, but the good by far outweighs the bad at the moment. Saturday my friend Jen and I drove to Barrie and spent the day shopping. We met up with Cailey (a friend from home who recently moved there) and we made dinner, had some drinks, watched bad MTV shows and headed out for a night on the town. There is something so soul soothing about having a fun "girlie" night with likeminded chicks. As much as I like being single, I like it so much more when I am surrounded with single chicks...they kind of get it.

As crazy as it sounds, when I got back to the house on Sunday I learned that there had been a murder in Collingwood. I don't really know all the details, but we know the man who killed his ex son in law. Mum and I used to work for his wife...at one point they were somewhat close family friends. We haven't seen them much in the past few years but it is so surreal to think that we have spent so much time with a man charged with first degree murder. As I said I don't really know the details so I don't have too much of an opinion on the matter, but it just seems so weird.

Online Shopping Ain't What is Was

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There were many reasons I loved living in the States. One of which I didn't realize until this week. I have recently tried to shop on two of my fomer fave craft sites Chatterbox and Queen & Co charge $50 for "International" shipping. Of course I didn't realize this until I got all excited by cute new Scrapbooking items and filled my cart with goodies. I really don't see how they can charge the same to ship something to Canada as to Australia. I am so unimpressed. Stupid International orders. I guess technically it's a good thing as it saved me from spending money I don't have on Scrapbooking goodies, but dang they were some cute goodies.

:::

I am not too sure how much nerdlier one can get but I am currently blogging and uploading books on CD to my Ipod. I went to the local library today with the intent of getting books on CD. They have an absolute ton of books on tape, but that doesn't really help me at the moment. I am on a self improvement kick as of late and I guess reading at home isn't enough for me! I am taking some mini road trips as of late visiting friends and family before the snow falls and makes travel difficult...this way I can absorb more literature while I am in the car. It is strange because I am such a huge music lover, (always singing along while I drive) but today I felt like a change. I had a job interview this morning for an admin assistant at a local ski hill. While it is Sat and Sun work which I like to turn down, I have decided I can no longer be so picky while I am looking at $39 in the bank. They will get back to me on Monday but it sounded like they were excited about having me work for them. hurray. I think it will be good for me to do something new, to meet new people and maybe have the chance to network. I am having a hard time lately figuring out what I want and I think if I am at least doing something there is a better chance of me figuring it out.

:::

While I have already missed out on posting every day I liked seeing Lara's Encyclopedia of Me idea she stole from Stefanie..so for today here goes.

A--is for adult onset ADD

This isn't actually anything more than a self diagnosis really. I have such a hard time sticking to one thing. I need to have many tasks going on at the same time and frequently I lose interest in something I was just incredibly passionate about just moments before....

Starting Over

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I used to be quite the blogger, I would spend time every day telling the blog community things about myself and actually making a really cool friend in the process. Lately I felt like I couldn't write the truth. Not for fear of being judged, but I needed to keep some things private. My ex used to read my fomer blog and I felt that I couldn't write about what was happening and what was really going on as I didn't want him to read it online. Blogging is something that I want to do for myself and feeling that I had to censor what I was going to write made me develop severe writers block. Not cool. Well I am feeling inspired again and so without further ado I am back.

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Last year I heard about NaBloPoMo mid November and I was pissed cause I thought it would be a fun creative challenge to have to post every day. I thought...next year I shall do it! I shall be a super poster every day of November. Well today is the 8th so it looks like one more year I will miss out on getting the cool little icon in my blog. No matter, it is good to be back.

:::

Have had a really nice day. I took my Nan out for a coffee and grocery shopping, and then just came home and got some "homey" things done. Made some phone calls, wrote some letters, paid some bills. The things I mean to do that sort of get swept away each day only to pile up and make me nuts at the end of the week. I have recently become a gym rat. I pretty much do hate working out so this is quite a surprise to me. My friend Jen recently moved back to town and we decided that we should work out together. I really said yes as a lark but now we are going 4-5 times a week. I have wanted to work on my fitness (from couch potato to semi active at least)for quite a while and now it is so amazing to actually feel myself sweating and getting stronger. My routine at the moment is 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and then doing some core strenghtening exercises on the weight machines...I am feeling an improvement. I still want to crawl in to my jammies and bed as soon as I get home, but I think I am a bit thinner and stronger...lets hope it ups my metabolism asap! Suddenly though it is 5:17 and I have a gym date for 6pm! I am quite proud of myself though cause I managed to prep for dinner this afternoon so that when I get back I just have to throw the veggies on the stove and make some pasta. There are many ways I am changing my life at the moment, this seems to be one of the easiest!

100 Things about me/Things you may or may not care about

:::A work in progress:::

1. I have two tattoos and a bellybutton ring--me thinks I am done on the body modification front.

2. I have some form of reading ADD and tend to have 5 books on the go at once.

3. I would do anything for my friends and family.

4. At 18 I moved to New Zealand for 6 months.

5. I haven't spoken to my biological father in approximately 6 years

6. I am currently going through a divorce.

7. I love to sing in the shower and my car

8. I dream of being brave enough to do karaoke alone.

9. I can admit that right now I have no idea what I want to do when I "grow up"

10. I frequently buy wine based on the label alone.

11. When drunk I tend to think that smoking cigarettes is the best idea after.

12. The next morning I regret said best idea ever.

13. I am obsessed with checking the mail although I don't get many real mail anymore

14. In some ways I still believe in Santa Claus.

15. I think i have a cavity.

16. Finally at 27 I started wearing makeup and doing my hair.

17. Other than brushing it I now have three ways I do my hair. yay me.

18. When I was 5 I accidently knocked my best friends tooth out with a fisher price tape deck.

19. Then I cried harder than she did cause my Mum gave her the last chocolate freezie.

20. I lost my first tooth trying to open a packet of oatmeal cookies with my teeth.

21. I still sometimes worry about being "cool enough"

22. I want a dog really really badly.

23. Cheese is my favourite thing to eat.

24. I love kissing so much it should be a daily mandate in my life.

25. Home is where I am living right now, small town Ontario, I don't want to move away again.

26. Nikon D40 is my new love, I just need to learn how to work it better

27. 2007 is the year in which I finally learned how to cook

28. A psychic recently told me I will marry a man who has a strong connection to the west coast of Canada and I will have two children, let's see how true this ends up being.

29. I have never broken a bone

30. I have named every vehicle I have owned--right now I am driving 'Ruby'.

31. I seem to really procrastinate when it comes to blogging, journalling and other things I love like crazy.

32. I have recently fallen more deeply in love than I ever knew possible.

33. It is with my youngest brothers best friend.

34. Almost 2 years later am still going through a divorce...apparently it takes a lot out of a man to sign papers.

35. On a whim I went back to school for interior design and I love it.

36. Counting the two weddings I will be in this summer /fall (09) I have been a bridesmaid 8 times. and I love it!

37. At 28, the thought of being a parent still freaks me out.

38. Sometimes I worry I should be further ahead in life

39. I love listening to Records.

40. I am exceptionally good at keeping in touch with people.

41. I just bought a truck. who knew I would be a truck kind of girl?

42. I love scrapbooking but I seem to rarely find time to do it.

43. I own about 20 pairs of shoes but mostly wear just my two staples.

44. I am scared of the dark.