mur

:::

That's a noise I make when I feel...like I feel right now. Also usually accompanied by a "meh" or two.  After the depressing week that I lived last week, I put my butt in gear and worked my BUTT off to finish school. I managed to get all my work done and pass all my classes. I feel somewhat down that all the hard work I put in at the start of the term didn't really matter as I just squeaked by on my final projects, however my teachers were pretty understanding.

Later today I am going to the house where my father lived to pack up all his things and move them home for my brothers and I do go through.  I feel really strange doing this, partly because I haven't known him well in the past few years and wonder his "stuff" consists of, and partly the sense of deja vu that is strangling me at the moment.  In the past three years I have lost my beloved step dad, my grandfather and now my father.  All the losses have effected me, poked holes in my heart, used up boxes upon boxes of Kleenex. Yet at the same time they are all so different, different relationships, different circumstances, different everything.  I just feel a little lost right now, wondering what could have been, wondering if I had just been stronger if would still feel like I am gliding through life currently.  I think since I have been so focused on school since the funeral today is the first day that I have nothing preoccupying my thoughts. It's just me alone in the apartment surrounded by the remnants of my final project.  The solitude is allowing me to absorb what I feel.  And right now that is just a deep sadness surrounded by anger.  Having anger with no one to direct it at just feels extremely frustrating and all consuming.   So I am trying to focus on a few good things, like my freaking incredible group of friends.  There are two who I refer to as "the Erins" who just have always been there for me. No questions asked and it's never a mention of need, or asking for help, any time my life has been in crisis I turn around and they are just there, standing behind me ready to catch me if I fall.  My friend Melissa who I lost touch with for many years in the past is also someone who seems to just know exactly when I need a word of encouragement, a smile, or a silly story sent by email. She somehow manages to turn negatives into positives and having that in my life is essential and amazing. So maybe today I will try to focus on the amazing friends I have in my life instead of anger that I can't deal with just yet.