It seems that I am thinking of things in years lately...or there have just been some anniversaries as of late. June 16th will be my best friends 30th birthday, and one year since my Dad died. What a shitty way to always remember the date. I almost feel like he is haunting me lately. I dream of him almost every night. I have dreams of him and our old cottage, I guess they will forever be intertwined in my mind. The dreams are always good, in each one we are just spending time together and I almost feel like I am getting the chance to say goodbye. That we were able to some how wrap up all the crap between us. But then I wake up and remember that we sold our cottage and that he went and died without so much as a whisper about his illness. I guess sometimes I am just still so freaking mad at him, but then other times I am just so sad. I know that death is final but I just really wish that we had had a chance to talk. Why didn't he let us know he was dying? Did he think that I wouldnt forgive him for all the crap that he put us through? And how could he just leave us all behind trying so hard to pick up all the pieces that he left us here with. Never having closure really is just leaves me grasping at straws trying to imagine what he was thinking. And no matter how much he hurt me when I was younger, it kills me just a bit to think that he was scared and alone and dying--with no family around him. I would have come back to him, and I know my brothers would have been there with him too. If not to comfort him, at least to say goodbye.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
3 years ago
:::
3 years ago I moved back to Canada. I was so very unsure of my self and the next steps in my life. I was turning 27, and had felt that I was a lost soul. My mum welcomed me home, enveloping me in her unwavering love and support and her trust in me that I would figure it all out. I decided to get out of my abusive marriage and to start all over again. I remember being so scared and sad and worried that I would never get it together. I can honestly say I never thought I would feel the way I do today. So I am so thankful to my amazing mum for once again picking up the pieces of my self esteem and helping me figure out how to place them back in order
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.
3 years ago I moved back to Canada. I was so very unsure of my self and the next steps in my life. I was turning 27, and had felt that I was a lost soul. My mum welcomed me home, enveloping me in her unwavering love and support and her trust in me that I would figure it all out. I decided to get out of my abusive marriage and to start all over again. I remember being so scared and sad and worried that I would never get it together. I can honestly say I never thought I would feel the way I do today. So I am so thankful to my amazing mum for once again picking up the pieces of my self esteem and helping me figure out how to place them back in order
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thought I would be late...
:::
Yet even when I am not trying, I arrive early for stuff! I think I dread being late so much that I tend to be too early. I guess it's also because I never drive anymore so my traffic timing radar is off!
I must say having the car these two weeks has been amazing! When mum offered me the car I thought I was more so doing her a favour as she wouldn't have to pay for parking. Yet I have been driving everyday! I miss a car!!! I've been listening to CBC radio every morning so I feel all intellectual and up on my world news. Car goes back Saturday, and I go back to subway reading in the mornings.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.
Yet even when I am not trying, I arrive early for stuff! I think I dread being late so much that I tend to be too early. I guess it's also because I never drive anymore so my traffic timing radar is off!
I must say having the car these two weeks has been amazing! When mum offered me the car I thought I was more so doing her a favour as she wouldn't have to pay for parking. Yet I have been driving everyday! I miss a car!!! I've been listening to CBC radio every morning so I feel all intellectual and up on my world news. Car goes back Saturday, and I go back to subway reading in the mornings.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Sun is shining weather is sweet yeah.
:::
Seems unseasonably hot in Toronto right now. Extreme Heat Watch in the city, May is too early for such nonsense. G and I just bought a mini a/c unit for our new apartment, fans simply do not cut it. We haven't been able to sleep and yesterday I was hanging out in my underware doing homework as it was too hot before 8am! I am thankful for the simple luxuries that are rampant in my life right now. A dishwasher, a car for 2 weeks(only 3 days left, sniff), air conditioning, and a roof over my head. I have been struggling as of late to dig myself out of a funk. I feel sometimes like I just want to wallow in self pity, but then I feel inspired by those around me who seem to shine on no matter what. I strive to be complete like them, thrilled with what my life is and dancing on the horizon of what it is to become.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.
Seems unseasonably hot in Toronto right now. Extreme Heat Watch in the city, May is too early for such nonsense. G and I just bought a mini a/c unit for our new apartment, fans simply do not cut it. We haven't been able to sleep and yesterday I was hanging out in my underware doing homework as it was too hot before 8am! I am thankful for the simple luxuries that are rampant in my life right now. A dishwasher, a car for 2 weeks(only 3 days left, sniff), air conditioning, and a roof over my head. I have been struggling as of late to dig myself out of a funk. I feel sometimes like I just want to wallow in self pity, but then I feel inspired by those around me who seem to shine on no matter what. I strive to be complete like them, thrilled with what my life is and dancing on the horizon of what it is to become.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Movin' on up
:::
G and I just finished (at 1030pm last night) our move. *insert heavenly choir of angels here*
It really boggles the mind the amount of stuff that one day seems hard to get rid of, but in the madness that is moving can easily be parted with! We have thrown out or donated literally BAGS of stuff. It makes me wonder why the heck we had it in the first place. My mum was down on the weekend and helped us get a lot of things sorted. Our kitchen is organized and put away thankfully. But as we brought more and more stuff upstairs. The rest of the place looks like a disaster site. We still have a lot to go through, clothes, various papers, random other crap. Our new rule is we only keep it if we love it or if we need it(like tax stuff we keep haha) But I think we both thrive on organization, we just need to stop being lazy and actually keep on top of things. I really love this new place and I want it to be organized and tidy and ours!
In semi related news, my mum left her car at my place for 2 weeks while she is away helping my aunt move(lucky mum, helping with 2 moves back to back) And...I kinda don't want to give it back! I had the truck for a few weeks last summer while G was in thunder bay for work, but generally I don't drive any more. I have been delighting in the feeling of independence of just driving to work, heading to the grocery store or whathave you. I am extremely lucky most of the time in that my friend Har who I go to school with/spend every waking minute with, drives me around. He will frequently need groceries as well after class or what have you. I am well aware that the TTC is a wonderful way to get around, but the comfort and security of a car is incomparable!
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.
G and I just finished (at 1030pm last night) our move. *insert heavenly choir of angels here*
It really boggles the mind the amount of stuff that one day seems hard to get rid of, but in the madness that is moving can easily be parted with! We have thrown out or donated literally BAGS of stuff. It makes me wonder why the heck we had it in the first place. My mum was down on the weekend and helped us get a lot of things sorted. Our kitchen is organized and put away thankfully. But as we brought more and more stuff upstairs. The rest of the place looks like a disaster site. We still have a lot to go through, clothes, various papers, random other crap. Our new rule is we only keep it if we love it or if we need it(like tax stuff we keep haha) But I think we both thrive on organization, we just need to stop being lazy and actually keep on top of things. I really love this new place and I want it to be organized and tidy and ours!
In semi related news, my mum left her car at my place for 2 weeks while she is away helping my aunt move(lucky mum, helping with 2 moves back to back) And...I kinda don't want to give it back! I had the truck for a few weeks last summer while G was in thunder bay for work, but generally I don't drive any more. I have been delighting in the feeling of independence of just driving to work, heading to the grocery store or whathave you. I am extremely lucky most of the time in that my friend Har who I go to school with/spend every waking minute with, drives me around. He will frequently need groceries as well after class or what have you. I am well aware that the TTC is a wonderful way to get around, but the comfort and security of a car is incomparable!
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.
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