Hey Echo

New dress

2011-06-12T09:54:00.001-04:00

The Lasts

2011-04-28T08:22:00.001-04:00

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Everything I have done this morning it was with the understanding that it was the last time. Ok thats pretty dramatic, but more so meaning it's the last time I will do it the way I have been for the past few years. I won't be living in my apartment anymore, taking the TTC and seeing all those familiar strangers who share my daily routine. I am so very excited for this next stage in our lives but I'm still wary of letting go of what has become familiar

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T minus 2 sleeps

2011-04-27T07:18:00.001-04:00

Test Run

2011-04-08T17:14:00.001-04:00

:::

Today I'm taking the route I will be taking once I move. A test drive of sorts. I managed to get a window seat and am just relaxing listening to my iPod. I was really hoping not to have to commute, but I did some research and jobs aren't a plenty in my field where we are moving. So I shall commute for the next while. It seems ok but the train is pricey...am going to keep looking for a car pool situation cause that would be cheaper

Fave pastime

2011-03-31T18:11:00.000-04:00

Am at the airport waiting to pick up my mum and nanny. There are so many groups of people around me that I'm enjoying watching. Perhaps that seems creepy, but I so love hearing what other people are up to. Where they are going. Who they are waiting for. Everyone is here to either say hello or goodbye. I'm not sure why but I take comfort in the shared experience.
It's been a nice week for me- my mum left her car with me so I have enjoyed sleeping in and driving to work. (funny the things that become luxuries)
I've been feeling really tired lately and I attribute it to this lack of spring- we had snow in Toronto again this morning. I keep telling myself that once we move I will have more energy, be more organized and more healthy. Is it possible that this can be a total fresh start?

A cultural weekend

2011-02-28T07:39:00.001-05:00

Had Melissa here on Saturday and we took a field trip.

If you lived here you would be home

2011-02-23T07:07:00.001-05:00

Morning view

2011-02-18T09:06:00.001-05:00

Farming if you will

2011-02-17T20:49:00.000-05:00

:::

As I mentioned the other week I am the recent and proud owner of an iPhone. I have been good about not downloading an insane amount of aps, in fact I have only paid for 3 so far. The other day whilst killing time I downloaded "Zombie Farm" (perhaps against my better judgement. As someone who has been beyond annoyed seeing all the farmville updates on facebook, I can assure you this download was very out of character. However, I have become really addicted to it. I can't actually say why. Beevs30 asked me today "what does one farm in Zombie Farm"? to which I responded " zombies and produce" (obviously?!) It seems like such a pointless game but I am strangely deriving pleasure from watching my zombies conquer surrounding territories....who have I become?

Early V day dins

2011-02-14T16:15:00.001-05:00

Love makes hunters of us all

2011-02-10T10:01:00.001-05:00

:::
NotsoWise and myself occasionally do a long distance book club. It mostly consists of us picking a series of books and reading them. We occasionally text and email to see if the other has got to a certain part yet, or what we think about different characters or story lines. So far we have stayed in the fantasy genre- successfully finishing the Sookie Stackhouse books and the Mercy Thompson series. We recently started reading Gregory Maguire's Oz books. I had Wicked already and I read it about 10 years ago so I definitely had to re read before moving on. As I've been going through it I have remembered nothing, however I have had a neat experience in that I used to underline passages quotes sections that spoke to me. Some of them still stood out to me this time around, such as this blog title- I have no idea what it really means but I love how open to interpretation it is!

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New technology

2011-02-04T12:01:00.001-05:00

I got an upgrade to an iPhone last weekend-and I must say I'm in love. I really didn't think it would be that different than my blackberry but for the photo aps alone it's just such a sweet phone! I have been trying to figure out how to do a post alongside the photos but it doesn't seem to work. And by that I mean I havent figured it out yet

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Snow Day

2011-02-02T10:55:00.000-05:00

Weekend remnants

2011-01-31T15:55:00.001-05:00

>
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Luck's a changing

2011-01-26T10:31:00.001-05:00

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I entered an online contest the other week and won tickets to a concert of my choosing. Yay. Not a mega concert, something small and Canadian but I'm pretty pumped. I don't usually win things, or I should say I didn't usually win things, but perhaps my luck is on an upswing! Lotto ticket this week just in case

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8 things....

2011-01-24T07:56:00.000-05:00

Taking inspiration from cococricketsmama I thought I would post an 8 things and tag Beevs30 to do one as well!
1. I put mangos in my guacamole
2. I just recently started wearing contacts and its changed my LIFE
3. This past year I just found out I'm allergic to crab (very distressing as I adore seafood of all kinds)
4. My socks still rarely match and that's due to my lack of care when doing laundry/lack of attention when putting away laundry
5. I am somewhat addicted to my blackberry. I have no real reason to be so 2011 is the year I'm trying to not check it some obsessively
6. I read a lot of mommy blogs.... And hope to one day have one of my own
7. Not having a book on the go makes me crazy (like right now, I missed the express bus and taking a 30 min bus ride with no book= I may be blogging for next 25mins)
8. I talk to my mum at least once a day

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Week in recap

2011-01-21T17:05:00.001-05:00

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Eating has been going really well-today I didn't bring my lunch though(so that's minus one point)and I haven't actually worked out in a while.... Like 2 weeks a while-minus 15 points. But I'm going to my friends gym tomorrow and am going to cardio my ass off! And we are going to a wedding tomorrow night so that will have some dancing calorie burning as well. Nothing exciting to report!

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Resolution check in

2011-01-18T15:09:00.001-05:00

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Ok haven't been working out as much as I was the other week, but we are doing a work out video tonight! And a friend and I are starting hot yoga next week which seems to have crazy weight loss/health points. So that could be good. I've brown bagged every day for lunch as of late and have been bringing breakfast too! I haven't been to Tim Hortons/Starbucks in ages-making coffee in the morning at home or else drinking it at work. We have also made dinner at home nearly every night which is great. So.... Food and money saving is intertwined working well there. I haven't shopped yet and I've been trying to figure out ways to make some extra cash. Haven't come up with anything phenomenal yet though!

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It comes in the night

2011-01-17T09:46:00.001-05:00

:::

It has been a year and 7 months since my Dad passed away; and generally I feel like I am ok and have healed from the loss. Its a long and complicated story about my relationship with him, but we hadn't really been in touch often for years before he died. Before this happened I would imagine what it would be like when he died, how I probably wouldn't really be affected. I figured I would feel bad that he never got his life back together, but I never imagined the gaping hole his permanent absence would leave in my life. For a while I cried every day, felt wracked with guilt and remorse that we hadn't managed to reform some semblance of a relationship. That I had never been able to make peace with him.
Nowadays I feel pretty fine. I tend to get choked up when we watch movies or TV shows involving parental death. Once upon a time I used to feel sad in those instances, but now that I know the raw emotion that comes along with it I just cry. And realize that yes I am crying along with a character mourning a fictional death, but the feeling just feels so real.
I think that it is these sorts of situations that trigger my subconsciousness, causing me to have similar dreams each time. Watching Marshall's dad die on How I Met Your Mother last night reduced me to tears. And then.... Queue the dream:
It is always some variation of the same, my Dad and family and I are at our old cottage (we had to sell it in 1996) and we are talking about selling it but somehow we figure out the money just in time and we don't have to (yay) and my Dad is there and we have an amazing visit, and usually in my dreams I know he is dead, but that we have this one special time together. And then I wake up and sleep tears have soaked my pillow. I had that dream last night-G woke me up cause I was crying in my sleep and tried to snuggle the sad feelings away. But I lay awake and instead thought of what could have been.

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Soooooo

2011-01-14T20:19:00.001-05:00

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Got a phone call tonight and G and I were approved for a mortgage! I can't stop smiling and I guess this makes things a little more real-and now we can move forward and make some plans.

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No news is good news?

2011-01-12T11:02:00.000-05:00

:::
Meeting yesterday was very informative and the lady we met with was really nice. We don't know if we qualify for a mortgage yet, she said it will take her a few days to get through our application. She did sound positive and said that if we aren't eligible now, she will do what she can to help us get on track. I always tend to get anxious when talking to people about money, or more so about my lack of money. I have student debt like most of my friends, but I also got really screwed for money in my previous relationship (which was completely my own blind dumb fault) Then I went back to school for MORE debt. Woo. And up until lately I sucked at saving and being organized enough to have dinners and lunches prepared ahead of time. I really do feel motivated now to stay on track-but I need more help from G. Yesterday he didn't eat his packed lunch and went for sushi instead. Yes it was only $6 lunch special, but that stuff is what starts adding up! Is it common for men to not really get it? Like why should I be worrying about food and making us breakfast and lunch if you're just going to go eat whatever. If we want to do joint finances then we really do need to be thinking about our money when we do this! Yeesh. Then I got all ticked off and had a shower and I guess it showed as he made us tuna wraps for lunch-yay.

I emailed the people I used to babysit for in the hopes that they can start using me again. That sort of work ebbs and flows though, but the pay is good and their kid is fun to hang out with so it makes for a good nights work! G and I are trying to keep up with some side jobs for extra money as well. I think that 2011 we need to just focus on cutting out random outgoing cash and work on channelling some coming in!

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More about resolutions I guess...

2011-01-11T14:14:00.001-05:00

:::
I tend to relish the start of January-a new year of fresh promise laid out before me like untouched snow on a field. And I tend to rock out hard with my resolutions, determined to make myself a more motivated, fit organized person. But then comes end of January and I'm tired and lazy and suddenly all those good intentions fly out the window. So I was debating not blogging about it, but hell I like a pat on the back so why not?
Useless spending : G and I have managed to brown bag every day but one over the past 2 weeks. I've been getting up early and making us coffee and a bagel to stop the early morning Timmies run(we added up a month of what we were spending there, cried and then decided NO MORE!!) we've been working together to plan meals and stop ordering pizza and what have you. I've been slowly working though whatever food was randomly crammed in our freezer so we can start over knowing what's in there and what we should make each night. (this will seem huge if we can keep doing it)
Fitness: this I say every freaking year! I want to be fit and feel better about my nolongerateenagebody. I have literally gained 25lbs in the past 3 years. Luckily most of it has gone to my chest (hahaha) but a lot has gone to my mid section and I don't want to start off yet another decade in my life wishing I was thin(er) or "FIT" as my mum keeps emphatically staying whenever I say thin. I am no longer in school so I have more free time and I want to use said time to go to the gym, go for walks, crosscountry ski, snowshoe...anything that gets me moving. I have been drinking a ton of water every day and trying to eat less. I am starting to not feel hungry all the time which is a start! And I've been trying to keep making smart food choices to keep me feeling good about myself. I also feel that this will help with another issue I have-the mystery food allergy. It seems to be a fat or something as I feel sick when I eat highly processed foods....so yet another motivator to keep this up.
Getting my life in order: This one definitely involves me being less lazy....so perhaps all the energy I am going to get from working out might help!! I want to open bills as they come in, not to avoid checking credit card balances and the like. To stay on top of things, to keep my apartment tidy and to maintain a calendar so G and I know what's going on week to week. I am hoping this is something we can do together, but I feel like he needs a push in the right direction-or sometimes more like a shove.

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Can't sleep

2011-01-09T23:07:00.001-05:00

:::
We went to bed early and G is snoring away and I gave up-figured I would blog cause now its 11 and I don't know who is up to keep me company via text or bbm!
Had a good weekend, as usal not as productive as I would have liked, but we went to a wedding, saw a few different friends and finally got around to moving our room around.... Only been talking about it since August. This week should be busy. My boss is back from holiday so that will help with getting things going at work....and on Tuesday G and I are meeting with a lender about a mortgage. So Tuesday will either be an exciting day or one of those dumpy days when you realize that perhaps your dreams are another year or two away. (actually am trying to feel positive about the whole thing. Somehow someway I know life is going to work out for us, but typically it seems not to work how how I 'plan' it) Still feels weird that I'm not in school....I feel like I am getting behind as I haven't been doing homework, and then I realize there is no homework to do. I want to focus on cleaning and organizing the next few nights, there is a TON of stuff I can throw out or give away now that I'm not making models or needing mega rolls of trace paper anymore!

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Holiday recap and the new year!

2011-01-06T14:35:00.001-05:00

:::
Time off was amazing. Spent tons of time with G and family-felt refreshed and renewed. Somehow school now seems like it was years ago! Everything was pretty low key, but honestly that's the way I like it. We had 4 Christmas, 2 near home, 1 in Barrie and 1 in North Bay. Things really do get crazy when it comes to blended families. This was the first year that things with G and I started to feel like traditions. Our first Christmas together we had only been casually dating for a month so nothing love fest there, but the past 3 years now have started to bring some tradition and familiarity with them. After all the christmases we managed to be pretty low key catching up with a few friends and I got to spend some time with my mum.

New years eve was delightfully low key as well and the few days since have been making me feel inspired and positive that perhaps this will be the year I'm hoping to make it. 2011 is still a bright shiny penny, please don't get tarnished by my cynicism and frustrations too soon!!!!

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2011 so far

2011-01-02T23:13:00.001-05:00

:::
We ushered out 2010 with minimal pomp and circumstance. Hung out with another couple, ate raclette and played Xbox Kinect (I think that's what its called) Watched the last 5 mins before the ball dropped and drank crazy sweet uber cheap champagne-like the kind I probably bought to ring in the millennium, I was just as broke then and still felt a sparkling bevie was crucial at midnight.
So far, all 2 days of it have been good. I have one more day off tomorrow and then its back to real life. No longer student life, but grown up working 5 days a week life. Both exciting and scary!
Huge changes will probably be coming up.... Stay tuned!

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Useless powers

2010-12-27T19:41:00.001-05:00

Watching a movie where Nick Cage can see 2 minutes into the future. I feel cynical but isn't that a mostly useless super power? I mean I guess it could be helpful but seems a bit silly to me

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Daily Grace

2010-12-22T14:21:00.000-05:00

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1. Muppets Christmas carol
2. Cedar Saunas
3. Being Done Christmas shopping
4. Secret Santa
5.today being last day of work til January 4th!!!!! -although also kind of stressful as am not getting paid while my work is closed.
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Uncultured lout

2010-12-21T10:17:00.001-05:00

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Last night G and I went out with my friends from school. A dinner/movie celebration of being done school. We went to the 630 showing of Black Swan-not my choice. Throughout the whole movie G and I kept making fake barf faces at each other during the gross parts(yes we are mature like that) and pretty much just waited for it to end. I hated it. I would have rather saved the $12.50 each and sat home watching something, no anything else. It wasn't scary, but it was gross in parts and just too much wtfness for one movie. When it ended we began to discuss and it seems only G and I hated it. The other three thought it was the best movie they had seen in ages blah blah blah. I felt like maybe I was missing something, that perhaps I passed out for some monumental moment in the movie. I predicted the end due to my movie/TV psychic abilities, but it wasn't just that. Definitely something was missing for me. SO glad it was missing for G too as we chatted about it the whole way home. I read some reviews this morning and it would seem that everyone loved it. And I'm left feeling that perhaps I am not as arty as I think I am. Would much rather have seen Tangled and then met the group at dinner! Next up for G and I is the fighter and love and other drugs-bet you can't guess who is picking which movie!

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Crap

2010-12-18T01:35:00.001-05:00

:::
I had a few beers tonight and ended up in a candid conversation about my mother in law (to be) with my brother in law (to be). Not totally sure how that started but I am pretty confident it will not end in an "hilarity will ensue" type of situation. He clearly didn't understand what I meant nor does he really get it because he lives about 25 hours away so he isn't privy to the situation. However when does a girl learn to keep her flipping mouth shut? Cause clearly 30 isn't the age. Nor is 3+ years of experience in this family.....nuclear fall out in T minus........keep you posted
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Daily Grace

2010-12-17T10:22:00.001-05:00

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1. Christmas cookies
2. Being 1 assignment away from finishing school
3. Free breakfast at work
4. Cheap champagne to randomly drink on a thursday night.
5. Seeing a good friend tonight who is home from Ireland for Christmas
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Oooh the lethargy

2010-12-17T08:02:00.001-05:00

It has struck with a vengance. I still have to assemble all my research from my final project but instead I spent last night drinking cheap champagne from when we got engaged. What? We ran out of beer!..... I feel that my love of booze comes across quite well in that sentence no?
We had our friend Derek over and the boys made me watch 2012. I hate HATE apocalyptic themed movies. Mostly because in movies like that I get all antsy concerned that Toronto is going to slide into Lake Ontario. I do not want to go to a watery grave-ever preferably, but at least not until I've done a few more things with my life.
So the G and Derek spent the whole movie teasing me about being a mega nerd and a super baby. I also detest scary movies so perhaps they are partially right. I've never been able to watch scary movies. I know several friends who LOVE the feeling of being scared. Me? Not so much. I spent the whole time I was at a haunted house this past Halloween buried in my friends chest freaking out a la Marge Simpson "get me out, get me out get me OUT!"
Is it so wrong that I would have rather spend the night watching something funny? Or cheesy? Granted 2012 was kind of Armageddon-ish, not so terrifying, but I get too emphatic and think about all those poor people who died.
Nerd.
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Aaaand Done

2010-12-14T18:34:00.000-05:00

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The day I have been anxiously dreading for ages has come and gone! I somehow managed to get my project finished and presented and now that looming cloud of a project is over!
It feels so good to know its over and to know that it was well received. G came today to watch the presentations which made me a bit nervous but at the same time it was so nice to have my own personal cheering section.
2 more small projects and my thesis binder are what I have left and then I am free as a bird!
This weekend G and I are taking my mum to see The Good Lovelies as her Christmas present and I really feel that that will start the holiday count down for me.
Finishing school sure puts me in the Christmas mood!

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Its the final countdown

2010-12-14T07:24:00.001-05:00

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At 1130 I will be presenting my final thesis project. Last night I practiced what I was going to say to G, which almost made me more nervous hahaha. I'm up writing out what I want to say and hoping that I can get out all the important facts before I pass out from fright. I have never been a fan of presenting or general chatting in public. Not sure why, but when I signed up for design school I didn't realize that it would revolve around presenting. Duh.
I know that in a few short hours it will be over and I will look back at myself this morning and think I wasted too much energy on worrying. However that is how I operate.
Am off to practice again. Wish me luck

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Scammed

2010-12-11T13:08:00.001-05:00

:::

Bought a mixer pack of delicious teas at Winners. Thought it would be a nice treat for the 16 hour days at school this week-they all taste suspiciously of Chai. Boo
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To do in January....

2010-12-10T11:52:00.000-05:00

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Am inspired thanks to my good friend Bee vs 30 to start making some more lists:
Forever things have been put off "until January when I am done school"... so perhaps I should make a list of what must be done..

1. Clean the apartment--my side of the bed is carpeted in clothes, both dirty and clean. It will almost be like getting new clothes as I am embarrassed to admit some of them have been there for a few weeks.
2. Make an appointment with a naturopath to finally figure out what it is I am allergic to so I don't feel sick every time I eat
3. Organize my school stuff--I can actually throw out and recycle a pile of stuff now--no longer shall our headboard be piles of foamcore stacked behind the bed.
4. Make a plan to start exercising--this might actually be the most difficult part of January. I am a somewhat lethargic person by nature but am really wanting to get back into shape...a non blobby shape
5. Start planning my wedding (*head explodes with glee)
6. Get on the Til Debt Do Us Part budget sheet and get G and I on a SAVING PLAN (and a debt repayment one as my student loan starts getting repaid in June barf)
7. Make plans and see the friends I have been neglecting for the last 2 + years
8. Take a class and learn how to make my camera work on the manual setting--I have been using the automatic setting for about 5 years now and its really time to figure this out
****I know that I have about 150 other things I have been saying "Oh I will do in January" so beware the list may grow*****

Short term memory loss

2010-12-09T09:02:00.001-05:00

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On mornings where I'm tired or perhaps day dreaming in the shower I literally cannot remember if I have already rinsed my hair..... And some times if I put conditioner in it yet or not. So I wonder if I have a memory issue..... Because really how can one forget that in literally 2 minutes!
Also-the countdown for final presentation is T minus 5 days.....I'm giving up on wearing real pants until then its leggings and lulus all the way
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Aww mornings

2010-12-07T17:37:00.000-05:00

:::

Lately G and I have developed a bit of a routine on the mornings he has to get up before me. He gets out of bed to shower and I roll over to his recently vacated spot. (I'm not too sure how we picked spots when we first started sharing a bed, but I think I must have compromised as I love his side of the bed!) Then as he is leaving I call out a reminder of all the things he needs to remember to take with him. There have been several occasions where he comes flying back in for keys to the garage, his phone wallet etc, so I am trying to save one step in the process. And I feel guilty but I love that I can snooze a bit longer while he has already started his day. I feel like I should be getting up and making us breakfast or coffee but it doesn't happen just yet. Come January we will be leaving the house at the same time in the mornings and I will miss my stolen moments on his side of the bed knowing he has to go brave the cold before me.

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Daily Grace

2010-11-29T07:54:00.001-05:00

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1. Franks Red Hot Sauce on pizza
2. Waking up feeling refreshed this morning
3. Finishing an assignment 2 weeks early so I can concentrate on my thesis
4. Having subway tokens so I don't have to further rob my piggy bank.
5. Christmas cards arriving in the mail -eek I better get on mine!
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Definitely winter

2010-11-26T14:26:00.001-05:00

:::
It comes every year but somehow that first day of utter crazy freezing that is Ontario winter seems to take me by surprise. I did bring gloves this morning, but it is time to break out the big jacket with a hood as well as hats and more scarves! On my way back to the office from lunch I had to tie a scarf around my head granny style. BRRR.
Today has been one of those days at work where it seems to last forever. Its only 2ish but I feel like its bedtime. This weekend I am moving in with my friend Alaleh and we are doing homework from tonight until sunday night, possibly Monday morning. Soooo I don't even have the sweet relaxing feeling of weekend to look forward to. Although, for sure getting another big dent in my work will make me feel good!
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To do list

2010-11-25T07:45:00.001-05:00

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There are many MANY things I have been putting off since I have been in school. Things I keep saying "when I'm done school I shall...." and I think I better start thinking about what they are and making a list, so I can get the satisfaction of crossing them off my list once they are completed. Some of them are pretty average boring things like, call a naturopath and get to the bottom of my food allergies. Yet others I think I will be racing to do as they are more fun-sign up for a class so I can learn how to use my digital SLR better (aka not on the automatic setting!) I have managed to find all kinds of time over the past two years to do homework, so I'm sure I can fit in all the odds and ends of things I want and have to do.
It is finally super freezing in Toronto, and I feel unprepared. My big winter jacket is north at my mums so I have layered up like crazy for the commute this morning. Which is great while outdoors but am currently fighting off sweating on the subway. The at work coffee is greatly anticipated today
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Today is all about

2010-11-24T20:49:00.000-05:00

2010-10-15T10:29:00.000-04:00

:::

1. Its boots and vest weather
2. Having friends over for drinks and tapas dinner tonight
3. FINALLY having a catch up with Not So Wise
4. Road tripping in the morning for some fall colour viewing
5. Getting to do some real design work today at work!
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If you like it and you want it put a ring on it*

2010-10-13T22:36:00.003-04:00

*Title is what G first thought the lyrics to "Single Ladies" were

and on that note.....

I have news! G asked me to marry him last week while we were in Bermuda. G: romantic stuff, down on one knee, ring box(OMG!!!) Me: Frantic "YES" followed by intense tidal wave of tears.

Shortly after followed by us having photoshoot of the ring just about everywhere: drinking beer, in the pool, on the beach, on the scooter. Needless to say it was the most amazing vacation ever. We thought that no one other than our immediate families knew, and that we would have SO many people to tell upon our return. However it turned out that my brother jumped the gun a wee bit posting a congrats on his facebook. As we have MANY many mutual friends, the cat was out of the bag....or the engagement was out of Bermuda or what-have-you. It's funny cause I still sort of feel in shock when I think about it. I wanted this to happen for so long, but I now joke that I just blacked out when he got on his knee. It was more than I could have ever asked for, and being engaged is just really a lovely special time that we are sharing. We are looking at fall 2012 for the wedding, give us some time for me to finish school, and us to both be working and saving a little. Things are just SO different this time--I mostly forget that there was ever another time, this just feels so right.

(Not so) Daily Grace

2010-10-13T09:32:00.001-04:00

:::

1. Delicious Thanksgiving dinner(s) with family and friends
2. Light at the end of the tunnel with school
3. The morning commute with G
4. Taco salad leftovers for lunch
5. Skinny jeans
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I wish someone would come to the door with food

2010-09-18T09:35:00.003-04:00

:::

It's another one of those weekends full of homework. I tried to get up early to get a head start, but I had to snooze a few times. Last night was late and also homework filled. Am up, perched in the corner of the giant couch....I am craving something horrible for me, like Mcdonald's breakfast. but time is passing and I really need to get a lot of this work done and so instead I sit with homemade coffee and whatever breakfast I can scrounge from the remnants of early week's grocery shop. I think I just want to get out of the apartment so badly so that I don't have to sit and concentrate on this project. Note the early morning blogging.

Once upon a time...

2010-09-16T14:10:00.000-04:00

:::
...late 2005- I had an old Blog. I stopped using it when I moved back to Canada as my ex knew the address and started leaving rude comments on it. Apparently I also had WAY more free time as I used to Blog more often. Yesterday I was taking a break at school (read totally procrastinating on an assignment I'm hating) and I went back to check it out. I haven't looked at it since 2007, so it was kind of interesting to read back through and see a different view of myself in my mid 20s. It was interesting to read entries and realize how I wasn't being honest with the internet...some readers I actually knew and some total strangers...I was so desperately unhappy and struggling, my marriage was not a happy one and I was so lonely, and yet I couldn't really talk about it. I was lying to myself and to my Blog. I alluded to my obvious depression stemming from the loss of my step dad but I couldn't speak freely about my marriage. Perhaps that's why I didn't really tell friends about this Blog. G thinks I may have a Blog but hasn't asked further about it. And one thing I admire about other bloggers is there no filter, the way they just put it all out there. It seems so freeing. Yet at the Same time I worry. I wouldn't want to be responsible for hurting someones feelings-but I think I want to be more honest with myself and with others about stuff in my life. It seems more monumental than blabbing on about inane drivel which is all I contribute to Blogger most times.

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The formerly quiet mornings

2010-09-14T07:28:00.001-04:00

:::

Am up early this morning, was supposed to have class at 9.30, but my teacher emailed early and now its not til 2. So I am up which feels good and about to make some coffee and get some homework done. I usually enjoy early mornings in my apartment. G heads out early to work, so I have the place to myself. Coffee, laptop and breakfast television, perfect combination. Now the city has started doing construction on my street. So at 7am the work crews show up, and from all the way up on my floor all I can hear is hammering, and machinery. I feel bad for anyone living closer to ground level!
I still am glad I am up early and getting stuff done, its just not as quiet and relaxing as it once was! And from what I hear this is going on til 2012! YEESH
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Finals again

2010-09-13T11:51:00.001-04:00

:::
I know I have finals every 13 weeks but somehow they seem to creep up on me and take me by surprise. This past weekend I should have hunkered down and crossed things off my list, but instead I crossed things off my other lists:did laundry, bought new sheets, organized the pile of tupperware that threatens to fall when I open the cupboard. Pretty much anything to avoid having to do school work. This means that this week and coming weekend shall be crazy as I frantically try to get everything accomplished. I was also one of a few students chosen to participate in a student design charette happenning next Thursday, so I have to hand in two assignments a day early so I can compete. Exciting opportunity, but yikes for the time management. As hard as I try to stay on top of things somehow this always happens by week 11, the work left to do does not seem to coincide with the amount of time left in which to do it.
G and I are going away on a surprise trip at the end of October. And the thought of us drinking snazzy drinks on a beach somewhere is getting me through
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Missing you

2010-08-31T08:05:00.001-04:00

:::
I haven't written in ages, a LOT has happened! I turned 30, I got an Intern position, and the summer has flown by! Not sure why I've been MIA, I think sometimes after a prolonged silence one wonders what to start with. So I start with this: summer is almost gone and we are literally busy every weekend until thanksgiving! I don't comprehend how that is possible? Its been like that all summer between work and school and busy weekends, it seems like one day blends into the next and now its so close to September. T minus 1 day! I remember being a kid and summers seemed to stretch out endlessly...
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Daily Grace

2010-07-08T16:57:00.001-04:00

1. Enjoying the last few days of my 20s
2. Air Conditioning
3. The awesome sunglasses G got me for my birthday and couldn't wait til the 12th to give me
4. Getting homework done while on lunch at work
5. Pita Pit
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Daily grace

2010-06-22T09:39:00.001-04:00

1. Having one presentation left before my week off!
2. A good nights sleep.
3. New episodes of Lie To Me 4. Roof top patio
5. The smell of rain
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Daily grace

2010-06-21T07:12:00.001-04:00

1. Reading on the Subway
2. Having coffee in the house and allowing time to make it in the morning.
3. Summer dresses
4. Tru Blood
5. Crossing things off my list
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Tis the season

2010-06-16T00:20:00.001-04:00

:::

For being end of term again! T-minus 5 days til final presentations start. Who has two thumbs and feels remotely ready? *points to self. Not this guy. This term has been a struggle, with moving and all that, but I just don't feel ready for everything to be due. We always get through it but as of late I tend to keep choosing sleep over staying up and working.

In probably a creepy and TMI note, right now I am laying in bed thinking morbid thoughts. A year ago today (the 16th) my Dad didn't wake up in the morning. And I guess its messed up to be thinking this but part of me wonders if he was just sleeping and he slipped away or if he was up and suffering for a while. Girlsgonechild.net posted a song today called Let Go by Everest, and it really made me think. I want to just let this go, but sometimes I don't know how. I have so very many amazing things in my life to focus on but then I get these blips like anniversaries or just thoughts that bring me back to where I see that I haven't let go.
I can't believe its been a year already, I feel that my life was irrevocably changed and I kind of just want it back.
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The big D

2010-06-08T10:35:00.001-04:00

:::
I got an email from my lawyer yesterday...and my divorce, 3 years in the making has finally come through. I was at school and was chatting about it with my friends when another classmate said "I've never heard anyone celebrating a divorce before". That can't possibly be true right? I am sure people have escaped far worse marriages than mine and had cause for celebration!
It really got me thinking though, and that's always good! I think its a bit callous sounding to delight in the complete removal of a person from ones life, but he wasn't a good person, and its best that he is gone. I feel strange today, somehow almost lighter. This has been a weight dragging me down for sometime now, and knowing that this break is final, that he no longer has any power over me feels fantastic.
I do however feel that thanks to this experience my view of relationships and marriage as a whole have changed. Not in a bad way, but just different. Before I think I was so focused on the wedding aspect I think I didn't really contemplate what came after. Forever. That's a looong time. With my ex, I was in a position where things happened extremely fast, and we definitely didn't have time to get to know each other enough first. (obviously as we made the wrong decision) But things with G are different. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, having him tease me about my clumsyness and me rolling my eyes at his inability to be on time. I know enough of him and love all of it, and I look forward to uncovering the parts of him that I don't yet know. I think we will remain in this stage together for a while now, living together and making sure we are really right for each other before we move forward. But I am definitely ready and excited for the next stage in our lives.

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1 year (almost)

2010-06-02T15:27:00.002-04:00

:::

It seems that I am thinking of things in years lately...or there have just been some anniversaries as of late. June 16th will be my best friends 30th birthday, and one year since my Dad died. What a shitty way to always remember the date. I almost feel like he is haunting me lately. I dream of him almost every night. I have dreams of him and our old cottage, I guess they will forever be intertwined in my mind. The dreams are always good, in each one we are just spending time together and I almost feel like I am getting the chance to say goodbye. That we were able to some how wrap up all the crap between us. But then I wake up and remember that we sold our cottage and that he went and died without so much as a whisper about his illness. I guess sometimes I am just still so freaking mad at him, but then other times I am just so sad. I know that death is final but I just really wish that we had had a chance to talk. Why didn't he let us know he was dying? Did he think that I wouldnt forgive him for all the crap that he put us through? And how could he just leave us all behind trying so hard to pick up all the pieces that he left us here with. Never having closure really is just leaves me grasping at straws trying to imagine what he was thinking. And no matter how much he hurt me when I was younger, it kills me just a bit to think that he was scared and alone and dying--with no family around him. I would have come back to him, and I know my brothers would have been there with him too. If not to comfort him, at least to say goodbye.

3 years ago

2010-06-01T14:05:00.000-04:00

:::

3 years ago I moved back to Canada. I was so very unsure of my self and the next steps in my life. I was turning 27, and had felt that I was a lost soul. My mum welcomed me home, enveloping me in her unwavering love and support and her trust in me that I would figure it all out. I decided to get out of my abusive marriage and to start all over again. I remember being so scared and sad and worried that I would never get it together. I can honestly say I never thought I would feel the way I do today. So I am so thankful to my amazing mum for once again picking up the pieces of my self esteem and helping me figure out how to place them back in order
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Thought I would be late...

2010-05-27T07:57:00.001-04:00

:::
Yet even when I am not trying, I arrive early for stuff! I think I dread being late so much that I tend to be too early. I guess it's also because I never drive anymore so my traffic timing radar is off!
I must say having the car these two weeks has been amazing! When mum offered me the car I thought I was more so doing her a favour as she wouldn't have to pay for parking. Yet I have been driving everyday! I miss a car!!! I've been listening to CBC radio every morning so I feel all intellectual and up on my world news. Car goes back Saturday, and I go back to subway reading in the mornings.
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Sun is shining weather is sweet yeah.

2010-05-26T08:17:00.001-04:00

:::
Seems unseasonably hot in Toronto right now. Extreme Heat Watch in the city, May is too early for such nonsense. G and I just bought a mini a/c unit for our new apartment, fans simply do not cut it. We haven't been able to sleep and yesterday I was hanging out in my underware doing homework as it was too hot before 8am! I am thankful for the simple luxuries that are rampant in my life right now. A dishwasher, a car for 2 weeks(only 3 days left, sniff), air conditioning, and a roof over my head. I have been struggling as of late to dig myself out of a funk. I feel sometimes like I just want to wallow in self pity, but then I feel inspired by those around me who seem to shine on no matter what. I strive to be complete like them, thrilled with what my life is and dancing on the horizon of what it is to become.
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Movin' on up

2010-05-21T08:20:00.001-04:00

:::
G and I just finished (at 1030pm last night) our move. *insert heavenly choir of angels here*
It really boggles the mind the amount of stuff that one day seems hard to get rid of, but in the madness that is moving can easily be parted with! We have thrown out or donated literally BAGS of stuff. It makes me wonder why the heck we had it in the first place. My mum was down on the weekend and helped us get a lot of things sorted. Our kitchen is organized and put away thankfully. But as we brought more and more stuff upstairs. The rest of the place looks like a disaster site. We still have a lot to go through, clothes, various papers, random other crap. Our new rule is we only keep it if we love it or if we need it(like tax stuff we keep haha) But I think we both thrive on organization, we just need to stop being lazy and actually keep on top of things. I really love this new place and I want it to be organized and tidy and ours!
In semi related news, my mum left her car at my place for 2 weeks while she is away helping my aunt move(lucky mum, helping with 2 moves back to back) And...I kinda don't want to give it back! I had the truck for a few weeks last summer while G was in thunder bay for work, but generally I don't drive any more. I have been delighting in the feeling of independence of just driving to work, heading to the grocery store or whathave you. I am extremely lucky most of the time in that my friend Har who I go to school with/spend every waking minute with, drives me around. He will frequently need groceries as well after class or what have you. I am well aware that the TTC is a wonderful way to get around, but the comfort and security of a car is incomparable!
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Our lady of perpetual exhaustion

2010-04-30T23:06:00.001-04:00

:::
Working, school, and internship. I also took a design job outside of that and am babysitting for extra cash. I'm beat! I think it will give me some motivation to get work done when I can, and maybe relish my down time a lot more. However am trying to enjoy downtime by reading in bed, but it seems one of my neighbours is having some kind of musical interlude in their apartment. Can hear guitar and vocals, just can't tell from which apartment. Not to sound like a grandma, but its after 11 people, shut it!
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And on and on

2010-04-22T08:56:00.001-04:00

:::
Work has been going pretty well. I forgot how exhausting retail can be, a students life tends to not have me on my feet for 8 hours at a time! But I'm feeling good that I am bringing in even a little bit of money at the moment. I had to buy a pair of shoes as they want us to wear shoes from the store, but I have managed to keep it to one pair! I do have my eyes on a few others but I keep reminding myself that I really do have all I need. I tend to wear my silver birks almost everywhere anyway haha. Things keep going back and forth between looking up and then freaking us out. We got a pretty good tax return, but it all has to go to bills etc so its not really fun. However, we should be thankful some extra cash came our way for such a thing! G and I discuss sometimes how it feels like we are standing in a very deep hole. As we slowly start digging out of it something caves in and we are back where we started. We both have large student loans and its easy to get bogged down with just how long it will take to pay back. Yesterday he made mention of how he feels overwhelmed just trying to pay his own way right now he can't imagine what it will be like trying to afford to have a baby. (*sidenote yay he thinks about babies now!) but it is true, when you're in the middle of it it's hard to see how one day it will be different. School is over in December and then I can start working and making more than minimum wage and we can hopefully start seeing the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel
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Reflecting at Timmies

2010-04-16T13:42:00.001-04:00

:::
Am sitting at a Tim Hortons in Brampton waiting for G to come pick me up. Looking out the window I can see a group of about 5 teenagers. Smoking and preening, saying something and looking to the others for approval before they start to laugh again. I remember those days really well, wanting to fit in, and loitering with my friends. Did we really have nothing better to do than drink coffee after coffee and smoke? I feel that it was barely last year I was in highschool but with 30 on the horizon this summer, it was 11 years ago that I was a teenager. It feels strange that I still easily recognize that part of me. That I could go outside and bum a smoke from those kids feeling like I can still identify when really I am so far removed. Another lifetime away really
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Perfection

2010-04-16T07:54:00.002-04:00

:::

My best friend had a baby on Wednesday morning and I am in love. Not just like "aww cute baby" love, but the aching that I am away from her love. I was really blessed in that I was able to meet her when she was just an hour old. Never in my life have I seen something so perfect. She was only 6 and a half lbs so she was honestly smaller than the purse I had with me that day. I found it funny that I could love something so much that I just met. I felt really emotional Wednesday night I think just from being close to something to special. It really got me thinking more about my future and how much I look forward to being a mum. Seeing my best friend in pain really was hard, but seeing her perfect little girl really makes you understand how worth it everything in life is. It made me understand how everything in my life is slowly moving me towards that point. I know that G and I aren't ready yet, but it makes me really look forward to the day when it is us bringing home a little someone from the hospital.

Self control

2010-04-15T09:22:00.001-04:00

:::
Today I start work at a shoe store. And its a gorgeous store, with many brands of shoes that I adore, and I get an amazing discount. Soooo this poses a problem as I LOVE shoes, love them!!! G was joking that I should leave my wallet at home lest I come back at the end of today having spent more than I earned. I have been trying to make 2010 the year of living frugally. Its a time to get out of debt and only be spending money on things that are needed not wanted. A distinction I have spent a lot of time and money understanding. So, here I go, into the lions den if you will, let's see how I fair shall we?
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Daily Grace

I should be really excited because after my two classes today I have my term break (all of one week) before my next term starts. But because of the situation last week I was granted an extension on my studio project that was to have been presented on Tuesday. SO....tomorrow instead of relishing in the awesomeness that is no school work, I shall be frantically rendering my floor plans so I can finish off my work. It's just been a strange week--I think I may be a bit depressed (is that like the commercial about being a little bit pregnant?) I just feel somewhat apathetic towards my schooling at the moment. I actually have an art history final tonight and instead of studying last night G and I went out for mojitos. (a WAY better call if you ask me) While I am feeling somewhat "meh", at the same time I really am realizing just how precious life is, and how fleeting. I want to choose to enjoy it as much as possible so I never ever take what I have for granted.

A pointless end

2010-03-22T22:40:00.001-04:00

:::
Last week a girl from my hometown killed herself. No one saw it coming, and our community has been jointly reeling in shock since thursday morning. She and I weren't friends, and part of weird guilt I have right now is that I actually didn't really like her. We weren't friends, but as is common in a small town, we ran in the same social circle.
She had always been dramatic and somewhat troubled, but I don't think anyone realized just how fragile she was.
There was a memorial service for her on Sunday, and the space was so packed it was hard to move. I couldn't help but wonder how someone who can feel so alone could fill an entire restaurant with people crying and questioning. I have felt so deeply sad, full of empathy for those she left behind, brother, boyfriend, best friends. They are all irrevocably damaged, such a large piece missing. I can't shake this feeling, I remain in shock and just wanting to tell all those I love just how much they mean to me.
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On Love and Long Weekends

2010-02-16T11:12:00.003-05:00

:::

Somewhat fortuitously Valentines day fell a day before Family Day this year and so we could celebrate being in love, and our family all in two days. Nothing too much going on on either day. We watched some Olympics (and in true patriotic style I freaked out when Canada won our first gold on home turf) partook in some of my own Olympic sports (hot tubbing...I would easily get a gold) did some homework, and attempted to go skating. It was just nice to be together. We headed back to the city Monday morning with lofty plans of cleaning our apartment. But once we arrived it became clear that it was more a day for snuggling on the couch and watching movies.

Having a long weekend in February was really a marvelous idea and I would love to thank whomever set this into motion.

And in an unrelated turn of events, I heard from my lawyer yesterday and I may be getting the best valentines present ever. A divorce! Apparently le ex has contacted his lawyer who and said he would sign the papers and remove the conditions wherein he is trying to sue me. SO...amazing news. I am trying not to get too wound up about it because this has happened a few times where I think it is coming and he changes his mind. But I am moving forward with my life regardless and hoping that this all winds up.

And it's friday....exhale

2010-02-05T20:15:00.002-05:00

:::

It's been a study week this week. We have two each term, one to get our mid term projects prepared and one later to work on our finals. I spent a somewhat glorious day at home yesterday reveling in my ADD. I set my alarm each hour and would spend an hour on the computer doing work, and then spend 30 minutes doing housework. SO....I am in a good place right now in that I am on top of my homework and my apartment is looking fairly snazzy.

Tonight shall just be a chill night at home. G and I ordered a pizza...nothing snazzy, just Pizza Pizza, and going to have a beer and watch a movie perhaps? (Crazy right? Our social calendar is just nuts) Tomorrow we are heading to a cottage for Sat-Sunday, a little winter hiking, some board games and good friends. Tis a great way to celebrate my hunny's 26th!

Daily Grace

2010-02-04T22:50:00.002-05:00

:::

*I miss doing these...I want to get back to it. Everyone needs a few things in their day to be thankful for, no?

1) snow flakes, the delicate ones that travel slowly towards the ground..not the crazy snow stormy ones

2) A weekend of Scrapbooking last weekend. Pure uninterrupted scrapping

3) Letting the universe know how badly I needed money, and then have a babysitting job pop up

4) G's 26th birthday celebration this coming weekend

5) The Sookie Stackhouse series which Not So Wise and I are currently devouring at an alarming rate (and the good news that there is one more than we thought already out....and another due out in May...huzzah)

The Difference 24 hours makes

2010-01-24T17:59:00.002-05:00

:::

At the end of last week I found out that my ex is trying to extort money from me in exchange for him signing our divorce papers. It was a bad day. As I have said before I am not in a rush to get married or what have you, but I really want him out of my life forever. No more mention, no more thought just gone. Thurs, Fri and Sat just made me angry, frustrated, poisonous. I HATE feeling that way. I composed a letter addressed to all of D's friends...about who he really is, about what he has tried to do to me. But instead of sending it to them, I sent it to my friend nicole. She is a compass of sanity and threw it back to me, making me feel so much better. It was great to get that letter out of me, to have it stop mulling around in my head. Today I woke up feeling refreshed. Someone new. G and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned...and we STILL have more to do, but it felt good to start getting our place is order. (Start is a funny word as we have lived here for ages, but we just got a new hutch for storage so we kinda had stuff all over the place) My brother Elliott stopped by for a visit which was nice, and all of a sudden I just felt loved. I felt complete, happy and loved. and I know that even if D gets a moral victory (ie ill deserved money from me) in this divorce, no matter what I have won. I have an amazing family I am really close with, a phenomenal deep relationship with a fabulous partner, supportive and hilarious friends, babies that are coming into my life (my goddaughter Alexis, am working towards a career I am passionate about:happiness abounds.

I need to just realize the love and happiness that surrounds me, and be thankful....move forward and realize that just cause all this isn't happening in the time frame that I think is best, doesn't mean that the universe isn't providing for me in the way it is supposed to.

Daily Grace

Two years ago you texted me out of the blue. You asked me to meet you for a coffee sometime, and could we talk about life? You requested girl advice. Happily I obliged, as a friend of my brothers I had known you for years, it would be fun to catch up. You met me at the door of the coffee pub, I remember you had on your grey wooly sweater and your striped club Monaco scarf…we hugged, and I thought that you were wearing phenomenal cologne. We grabbed coffee and sat at a table in the back. I listened to you recount stories about a girl you had been seeing, and why it hadn’t worked out. The longer we chatted and caught up, the more I started thinking…”maybe it’s a good thing this didn’t work out with you and the other girl” We moved on in topic and just talked about what we had been doing for the past few years, never have I drank a coffee so slowly. We said goodbye and made plans to maybe have alcoholic drinks together sometime soon. You didn’t wait the obnoxious 3 days to text, the next day you invited me to meet up with you the following weekend. Saturday afternoon we made martinis and watched a movie, I don’t have any memory of what we watched, I spent several hours willing you to kiss me..I was in disbelief of how attracted to you I was, of how much I enjoyed chatting to you. Each time we returned from making a drink we got closer and closer together on the couch, fingers almost touching. *You tell me now that you had wanted to kiss me that whole afternoon too, it took you hours to work up the guts…and finally you did. You took me for dinner, and we both couldn’t stop grinning..I remember blushing and looking away. The whole winter we spent the weekends together when you came up from Toronto. We would go out for drinks, we would stay in and watch countless movies, and eat Spinach Dr. Oetkers pizza. We became best friends It evolved slowly into something so special, 6 months later under a starry sky you told me you loved me for the first time. We moved in together a year ago in June. Sometimes it makes me crazy that you never do the dishes, but I love that you let me wield the remote control from time to time, and that you will spoon with me on our tiny couch. That when I have had a hard day, I can come home and vent to you, and you can always make me smile. I love waking up each morning to you. In 2 years we have supported each other through 3 deaths, my mum's cancer diagnosis, the complicated dissolution of your mom’s 7 year relationship, being broke, me going back to school and you starting your first “real” job. Just knowing you are there really makes getting through the darkness possible.

We may not have it all together just yet, but together we have it all. Happy Anniversary G, you have my heart.

Love, J